


End Game: Salvation

by rebelbravado



Series: End Game [2]
Category: Set after TLJ - Fandom, Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Angst, Ben Solo Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Force Sensitivity, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Male Female Friendship, Mild Sexual Content, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Resistance Spy, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Skywalker Family Drama, Slow Burn, Star Wars - Freeform, Strong Female Characters, Tension all around, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, The Light Side of the Force, balance, ben solo redemption, the grey side of the force
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-06-30 18:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 83,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15757176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelbravado/pseuds/rebelbravado
Summary: Part II to End Game.The false sense of mutual betrayal has torn them apart. But their bond through the Force is not easily broken. Is their story really supposed to end or ss their lingering connection enough to find a way back to each other?





	1. Prologue

_She sensed him before she could see him, like so many times before._

 

_Erin opened her eyes, but she wasn’t sure if they were actually open or if she was still dreaming. This didn’t feel like a dream. This felt like something else as she moved from her bed and looked around the tent. Poe and Eloi were sleeping, and the space was so silent she couldn’t even hear them breathe. In fact, she heard nothing. Not the wind or the birds outside nor the ever-present sound of work done at the resistance base.  No, she could feel this was a different place, a different dimension even. Where the Force was buzzing with energy like her entire body consisted of electricity and time and space was no longer linear. This was a place where the Force tried to tell her something. She knew this because she had felt it before. And so, she let that feeling lead her, like a string attached to her heart, growing out of her chest and out in front of her, pulling her forward._

_Her entire body was trembling, and the air was filled with the sound of her own breath. Shaky and uneven, erratic almost and she couldn’t tell why. She felt anxious and trapped and was overcome by such deep regret. Everything inside of her was screaming, telling her she had made all the wrong choices and Erin couldn’t make sense of any of it as she kept walking. Faster. Faster. Faster. Away from the camp and into the forest beyond._

_You should’ve left when you had the chance._

_You’ve given everything you had for nothing._

_You’ll die a failure._

_You’ll die for nothing._

_You’ll die a failure._

_You’ll die a monster._

****

_You’ll die alone._

_Her own voice said viciously inside her mind, over and over again, dark whispers growing louder and louder until it felt like they were being roared at her. Her ears and head hurting while her surroundings were completely silent. She only realized she was running when she half tripped over the root of a tree, finding her balance just before she hit the ground._

_And that’s when she saw him._

_He was surrounded by darkness, trees reaching for him like twisted tentacles. His face was so white against the black of night. His eyes haunted as he seemed to look right through her and that face made her forget all that he had done. He looked terrified and Erin realized that everything she had felt, everything that had led her here had been him. It had all been him and he was in danger. Real, overpowering, irreversible, lethal danger. His eyes suddenly met hers. His spirit and power in the Force burning with such intensity she could feel it half the galaxy away. He was roaring, crying out for help at the top of his lungs._

__  
  


_And she had heard him._


	2. Changed

Erin watched as the teenagers in front of her lifted their blasters and pointed them at their targets in ultimate concentration. She examined their stance, closely watching their feet, walked past them to check the posture of their back and lastly, she watched their breath.  
“A little higher.” She adjusted the arm of the girl in front of her.  
In the corner of her eye she could see one blaster shake, just slightly but enough for her to notice.  
“Two hands, Riven.”  
“But…”  
“Not there yet.” Erin answered sternly.  
“Okay…” disappointment was all over the boy’s face as he lifted his hand to join his other at the grip of his blaster.  
She walked past them again. Orderly steady steps before she softly said the word “go” and the kids fired, almost all shots hitting at least some part of their target as Erin watched with her arms crossed.  
It had almost been two months since she escaped the First Order and she would be lying if she would say it had gotten easier. She was grateful for her tasks, keeping her mind off Ben and the dark side and her being a failure. While most of her wounds had healed into fresh pink scars, the ones on her heart had not and she wondered if they ever would. She suddenly felt very tired as she took a deep breath and tried to shake her thoughts.  
“Excuse me, Kaleo?”  
Erin glanced over her shoulder to see a junior controller in uniform speak her name. After the battle of Crait there wasn’t much left of the Resistance but after being gone for so long Erin still struggled to remember everyone’s name. She knew she had to work on that but being socially active wasn’t exactly high on her list of priorities.  
“Yes?” she replied, still half lost in thought.  
“General Organa requests your presence at her tent, miss.” The girl spoke solemnly and watched her anxiously.  
Erin knew her reputation at the Resistance had changed, she just wasn’t too sure if this was a good thing. People seemed to be scared of her, others saw her as a liability, as if being with the First Order for so long had somehow changed her mind about her loyalties. No one who knew of her relationship to Kylo Ren spoke of it, yet Erin wondered if they could all somehow sense what had happened. Word travelled fast around the small camp, and so did rumours.  
“Miss?” she spoke again, and Erin realized she had been caught up in her train of thought. Behind her the kids had stopped firing, no doubt wanting to hear what General Organa might want to speak to her about.  
“Yes. Of course. Thank you.” The words came out mechanically, automatically like they always did nowadays. She was functioning, walking, talking, working, but she wouldn’t allow herself to feel until she could safely retreat to her tent, which she shared with Poe and Eloi since there was a shortage on supplies. She hardly showed them how she felt, not after that night when she broke down in front of Eloi. She needed him to see her strong, he needed a survivor. And so, she met his eyes, picking him out of the crowd immediately as she turned to face them.  
“Half an hour of sparring and then it’s back to your chores.”  
Eloi nodded at her. He had asked her to train him, like she used to. Erin knew he wanted to learn what she had been taught at the First Order. He wanted to know everything she knew, but there were some things she couldn’t show him. Some things she wouldn’t show him.  
Her task was to train the newest members of the Resistance, young recruits or refugees, abandoned children and rescues. Erin remembered what it was like to be them and she found some sort of peace in seeing progress within them, but it wasn’t enough to make her forget _him_.  

 

 

General Leia Organa was alone in her tent, bent over charts she wasn’t actually looking at. Instead her head rested in her hand and Erin could tell immediately that her mind was elsewhere. The woman looked broken, if only for a second as she quickly sat up as she no doubt felt Erin’s presence.  
Erin stood still, quietly observing in the opening of the tent as the woman turned to face her. Her smile was soft but her eyes worried.  
When Erin came back she had spoken to several officials to share any information she had on the First Order. For days they asked her question after question about their strategies, intelligence and plans. Erin answered all of them the best she could. She only spoke about Ben to Leia, and she had not shared the information of his betrayal. Leia did not need to know that her son had sent her back to a place so horrible, death would’ve been mercy.  
“My dear,” Leia sounded powerful and ancient, like a goddess. “How are you?”  
The woman got up and Erin could tell she felt stiff as she walked up to her. She looked tired. Erin stood up straight, clasping her hands together behind her back.  
“I’m fine, general Organa.” Lies. “Thank you.”  
Leia walked up to her even closer, trying her best to look into her eyes but Erin avoided her gaze, instead looking at the charts moving like a projection of blue and green in front of her. She didn’t mean to pry but she would recognize that ship anywhere. They had eyes on the Supremacy, or at least enough information to know where it was at the moment. Erin’s heart skipped a beat as her throat went dry and she wasn’t sure how to feel about this new information.  
She was taken aback when a warm hand pulled at her cold one, squeezing her fingers gently.  
“Will you sit down…” it wasn’t a question. Leia Organa had a way of making demands without arrogance, instead she had a cheeky sense of mischief about her no matter what she said or did. The woman didn’t wait for her reply as she returned to her seat, expecting Erin to follow. And she did.  
Erin moved slow and cautious to sit in the seat next to Leia’s, remaining perfectly still as her she tried to look anywhere but at the charts that were now so close their light made her skin look blue.  
Leia looked at her again and Erin knew those eyes. Ancient and dark and able to look right down to her soul. She had seen them before, in the man she still loved.  
“You’ve been doing well with the children, I hear.” That slight smile again.  
“Thank you, ma’am.”  
“How’s Eloi? He seems to be doing so much better since you’ve returned.”  
“He’s doing fine. Good, actually. He’s a very promising fighter.” Erin spoke with some pride now. This was true. Eloi was a faster learner, seemingly picking up on anything that was shown to him within the first try, from flying to fighting.  
“Well, of course he is. He’s your brother.” Erin liked how Leia seemed to understand her bond with Eloi without explanation. Leia’s hand reached out again but this time Erin pulled back hers.  
“Listen, Erin…” Leia took in a sharp breath. “Before I tell you what I’m about to tell you I want you to know that I trust you. No matter what you may think, I think you’ve done remarkably at the First Order and I want you to know that I truly value you as a very important member to the Resistance.”  
Erin frowned slightly but didn’t reply.  
“Which is why I know you’ll understand my decision.” Leia said solemnly.  
“What decision?” Erin asked, worry building up inside of her as her heart started to race.  
“We’re preparing a rescue mission to save the leadership still remaining on the Supremacy.”  
Before Erin could reply Leia added:  
“And I’ve decided to keep you here at your post.”  
Erin blinked and shook her head in confusion, glancing at the charts and to Leia and back at the charts. She knew better than to speak before thinking but she could hardly help herself.  
“What?”  
“We can’t risk you going back there, it’s too dangerous.”  
Erin closed her eyes for a moment, trying to make sense of the situation as she groaned slightly.  
“What?”  
“Your information has been beyond valuable, and with Lando’s help we’re been able to track them. It seems like they haven’t been too worried about hiding though.”  
Erin glanced back at the charts, taking in the constellations surrounding the ship, they were near the Outer Rim, not far from Tabo-kul. What kind of business were they doing there? What kind of business was _he_ doing there? Erin shook her head and returned to the conversation.  
“Who’s leading the operation?”  
“Poe.”  
“Of course, he is.” Erin got up quickly.  
“Erin…”  
“I’m sorry, I have to get back to training.” She stormed off and as she moved through the fabric that was the entrance of the tent she could hear Leia call her name once more, ignoring it as she got back to her task.

 

 

Night fell unusually early on this planet but with three moons it was hardly that dark at night, the woods and tents covered in silvery moonlight. Several fires were spread around camp, to keep warm and gather for the night’s activities. Somehow people were able to forget they were at war, Erin watched them enviously from the entrance of her tent. They were laughing and sharing stories. She could see Finn the Resistance Hero laugh at a joke Poe was telling and she could feel anger and jealousy build within herself. Poe was leading the rescue mission. Poe was going back, and he hadn’t even told her. When he turned his head and saw her over the flames he smiled and gestured for her to come sit with him. Erin got up but instead of joining them she turned and retreated back into their tent. It wasn’t long before she heard him enter.  
“Hey…” he said, his tone tender and she hated him for it. “You okay?”  
Erin busied herself with folding clothes, Eloi’s and her own as she aggressively dropped them on her bed each time she folded them. She heard how he took steps toward her and just before he could reach and touch her she turned. His hand was still outstretched, he dropped it to his side as he noticed her eyes.  
“You’re mad.” He stated, more to himself than to her.  
“When were you going to tell me about the mission?” Erin crossed her arms. Poe had been kind and patient with her, but they still ended up in fights most of the time, and most of the time it was her fault. Now it was his.  
“Erin…” he said, suddenly scratching his neck before holding up both his hands as if he was surrendering. “I’m sorry, okay? Leia asked me to go and..”  
“And you didn’t think to share this information with your best friend?”  
“No.” he replied curtly.  
“No?” Erin said furiously.  
“No. I didn’t want to hurt you.”  
Erin scoffed and turned, folding the clothes again, even more angrily this time.  
“Hurt me…” she laughed coldheartedly and shook her head.  
“Come on, you’ve been sulking over him for months now. I didn’t want to bring it up because I knew it would upset you.”  
Something in Erin snapped at those words and as she turned she shoved him back with use of the Force, which startled the both of them. She hadn’t used her powers since she had returned.  
“Don’t you dare tell me what I’ve been doing.” She snarled.  
Poe didn’t quit, instead he walked up to her and grabbed both her shoulders to make her look at him.  
“Erin, I _know_ you’re hurting _. I know_. And it’s been killing me which is why I didn’t want to tell you yet.”  
Erin struggled half-heartedly against his grip, looking up into that expressive face and she knew he was speaking the truth.  
“I can come with you.”  
“Erin…” Poe sounded tired as his grip loosened for a moment.  
“I can help…if you let me talk to him...”  
“Erin.” More sternly now.  
“Take me with you.”   
“No!”   
“I don’t care what you –“  
“Erin!” Poe’s gripped was so strong it hurt now as he shook her shoulders. “Snap out of it! _He’s not coming back_! Look at what he did to you! He kriffing sold you off to that place and you still think he cares…when will you see that he _doesn’t care about you_?!”  
He let go of her and turned around, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger as he moved around the tent. Erin just watched him as her heart had turned stone cold at his words. She gritted her teeth as she dropped one of her shirts to the ground.  
“Well, you would know all about that…” she hissed as she grabbed her pillow and stormed out of the tent. She couldn’t stay there, not with him around. Her time with the First Order had not only changed her, but everyone and everything around her. Erin was starting to think it had only changed for the worst.


	3. Anything

It wasn’t cold outside. In fact, it was quite comfortable next to the fire that was now a smouldering pile of embers. Erin stared up at the stars, her hands resting on her belly that rose and fell with each breath. She didn’t want to think about the fight anymore, but Poe’s words had haunted her for hours.

She suddenly tensed at the sound of a branch breaking but she could immediately sense that the person joining her at the fire was a friendly one and so she kept staring up at the deep dark black of the night sky.

“What’cha doing out here, E?” Eloi’s voice was slightly louder than a whisper.

“Trying to sleep.”

“And how’s that going for you?” Eloi stepped over the tree trunk that was placed by the fire to sit on and sat down, crossing his legs and bending forward to watch her more closely. She turned her head to see his floating above her before sending her gaze back up to the stars.

They sat in silence for a long time, the only sound coming from birds in the night and the crackling of what was left of the fire.

“He never spoke badly about you, you know? Ever. He was always proud, telling me to quit whining because you were out there making a difference.” Eloi chuckled briefly.

“But something happened to him that day you made him shoot you and he won’t tell me, but I know he’s afraid. I’m not a kid anymore.”

Erin didn’t look at him, instead she was laying very still, suddenly sensing every bump and twig beneath her on the ground.

“You never were.” She replied quietly.

“What happened?” he asked.

Erin sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, when she opened them she replied: “We fought.”

Eloi moved from the tree trunk to lay down beside her on the ground, staring up at the sky with her like they had done so many times before. The gesture felt comfortable, like they were suddenly in a bubble that hid them from the world. Eloi seemed to feel it too as he spoke quietly;

“No. What happened back there? With _him_?” the way Eloi said it was careful, as if Kylo Ren’s name itself would conjure him to this very planet.

 “You know what happened.” Erin was stalling, she could sense something within the boy that told her he was asking something else, like he was trying to _understand_ her.

“I know that you worked for the creepy general and ended up working for the even creepier Kylo Ren.”  
Erin felt the corner of her mouth pull up in the slightest of smiles at his words.

“The general _is_ creepy.” She allowed.

Eloi nudged her shoulder and chuckled again, the sound made Erin feel normal for a moment.

“Do you think he’s evil?” she could hear him turn on his side and did the same. The boy did not sound scared, his face neutral and patient as his golden eyes peered into hers. She contemplated the question for a moment and shook her head.

“No.” she whispered gently. “I think he’s lost.”

Eloi did not judge or jump to conclusions, he simply watched her intently as if he would take any word from her mouth as the truth. Erin moved slightly to allow him to rest his head on the edge of her pillow.

“There’s something within us that Poe doesn’t understand because he hasn’t felt that kind of darkness.” She started. “He’s light and warmth and strength, like a sun kind of. We’re like moons, constantly chasing after the light but we also know the dark. We’ve seen it, we’ve been it. We’ve done terrible things to survive but that doesn’t mean we’re evil.”

Eloi looked down for a moment, but Erin knew he felt it too.

“Kylo…” she sighed and felt her hands shake. “Ben understood that. He understood because he’s the same. Before Moar happened…”

Another sigh and a deep frown as she struggled to continue.  
“He taught me about the Force but it was never dark like I thought it would be. He taught me to fight and defend, he taught me how to feel and see things I couldn’t before and through the Force I saw him, Eloi. I saw the part of him that’s just as scared and lost as we are.”

“Did he ever hurt you?” Eloi asked, his brow furrowed, making him look even older.

“No.”

“So, what’s he like then?”

“Why are you asking me all this?”

“I’m just trying to understand why you’re hurting so much.”

Erin met his gaze and could tell that the boy she once knew had become a man.

“He’s impulsive.” She started and thinking of him was like opening a door which made all the memories rush back in. “He’s a patient teacher but very tough. He’s intelligent and strategical, impenetrable and unpredictable. He’s righteous and arrogant and proud but part of him is careful and kind and wild and _powerful_.” The way she said the word made her realize she was not over him no matter what she kept telling herself. No matter what he had done because part of her did not believe he had done it at all. What they had ran deeper than her betrayal could go, she had known it the moment she had allowed him inside her mind and had seen his face after.

“Poe says he’s going to kill all of us.” Eloi stated curtly.

“I don’t think he will.” Erin shook her head solemnly, slowly coming to the realization that if Kylo Ren really was lost to the dark side he wouldn’t have been stupid enough to send her to Tabo-kul with just handful of Stormtroopers. He’d know she could’ve easily handled them.

“What is it?” Eloi asked, and Erin met his eyes, shaking her head quickly.   
“Nothing, you should get some sleep.” 

Erin shifted a little to plant a soft kiss on his forehead, lingering there for a moment and as she reached out to him through the Force, his emotions mixing with his she sensed that there was no judgement there, nothing but sympathy and a need to understand.

 

 

Erin woke to the sound of commotion around her.

“Erin, wake up…something happened.” Eloi shook her shoulder and Erin was quick to jump up.

“What’s going on?” she asked as she noticed it had just turned dawn. People rushed around, speaking in hushed and anxious voices.

“There’s been an attack.” Eloi said gravely as he glanced over his shoulder and let go of hers.

“What?” Erin frowned deeply and started to walk to their tent, when she opened the entrance Poe was nowhere to be found. She heard how Eloi rushed after her and called her name but all Erin could think about was that she had to get to Leia’s tent.

“Erin it’s not what you think!” Eloi yelled as she kept running, his long legs easily keeping up with her.

When she rushed into the tent it was busy, full of people watching a large projection in the middle of the space. She came to a halt, out of breath and she could feel sweat on her forehead and the back of her neck. Eloi came to a halt next to her and she could sense mixed emotions all through the room. Anxiety and shock but also some kind of wander and curiosity, a strange range she couldn’t quite figure out. Poe stood next to Leia, his arms crossed in front of him as he frowned and watched the burning remains of a place Erin knew all too well.

“That’s…” she whispered and felt Eloi’s hand move firmly around hers.

“The First Order has attacked and destroyed Tabo-Kul.”

Leia spoke, and her voice was strong and loud and sent a wave of shocked gasps and questions around the remains of the Resistance. Erin’s heart dropped and all she could do was blink as she stared at the projection, Eloi squeezed her hand reassuringly, but she could feel him tremble. What did this mean?

“We suspect the First Order is making a political statement, misleading the people into believing they are bringing order and safety to the galaxy, but we cannot be sure about their exact motives. We all know the kind of people that reside in Tabo-Kul, which means it will come as no surprise that we have received word of many deaths amongst the higher ranks of the New Republic’s former enemies. Our enemies. Although this may be an advantage for the Resistance we must remain vigilant. The First Order has once again showed their strength, next time this could be us.”

Erin tried to sense what she was thinking, what was going through the woman that was their leader but as she spoke her face remained calm and unreadable. Her gaze shifted from Leia to Poe, who did not meet hers in return.

“Leia’s right. This may seem like a win, a gift from the galaxy but we’re still at war. Don’t let them fool you into thinking they have moved on.” He sounded angry and Erin wondered who the anger was aimed at. She looked back at the projection in front of her and searched for any sign that he had been there, that Ben had done this instead of Hux or Bass or anyone else but it the storm inside her head was too much. She pulled her hand from Eloi’s and walked away from it all, pushing through the crowd. She was sent there by the First Order. If she had not escaped she would have been dead. Had Ben really destroyed Tabo-kul knowing she would be there?

 

***  
  
Ben stood silently, watching the smouldering remains of the arena’s below. Smoke was curling up and around the debris and he took a deep breath, absorbing the sensation of pain and violence even across the distance to his shuttle, punishing himself by letting it all in. He realized this was supposed to be a good deed, but it still felt wrong. Once again, he was responsible for death and destruction and although his intentions had been pure he would always feel like a monster. The First Order had questioned his demands and Ben had to spin his strategies into a lie. Hux -surprisingly- went with it, telling his army that the Supreme Leader wanted to improve the First Order’s reputation, and that this gesture of goodwill would gain the trust and respect of the people they so desperately needed. All of it was a lie, the entire First Order, Ben realized. It was an organisation based upon hate and fear and manipulation but maybe he could turn things around, maybe he could be a good ruler, and this would only be the start. Maybe he could use his strength in the dark side of the Force to do good and maybe this would mean he wouldn’t have lost everything he had for nothing.

 

He had promised her he’d destroy this place one day. Now he had. If she was anywhere out there, the news would hopefully deliver the message.

 

_He would still do anything for her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My oh my I'm so excited to write the next few chapters you have no idea! Thank you so much for continuing to read part II of this story.


	4. Gone

Erin kept running her fingertips over the place where an ugly scar decorated her shoulder. The exact spot where she took an actual old-school bullet for Kylo Ren. Also, the spot where he had used his bare hands to pry it from her flesh to save her life. It was a nervous tick, tracing over her more prominent scars, one she had developed only recently. 

The sound of water was calming, it reminded her of home as she stared down the creek and into the woods beyond. She remembered her home well but not often, as if her own mind was protecting her from recalling a time where everything had been better. She remembered her proud and kind father and how he used to teach her how to fight with sticks on the beach by their house and the warmth of her mother’s embrace when she would fall asleep and all of it suddenly made her longing for something she had almost forgotten. She had been so happy and loved once, she wondered what her parents would think of her now. Erin soon realized why she hardly thought of her parents anymore, because each time she thought of the good, she remembered the bad. The way her father’s heart wasn’t beating while she was clinging to his chest crying for him to come back and the look of panic on her mother’s face while her blood colored the white of her dress a crimson red. Erin closed her eyes and frowned deeply, trying to concentrate on anything but the memories, pressing her fingers into the tender scar on her shoulder.

There was no exchange of words as someone sad down beside her, but she knew who it was. She recognized his smell and there was something about the sound of him that she recognized, she just knew him that well.

Poe didn’t speak, his shoulder brushing against hers as he moved forward to lean on his knees. Erin opened her eyes but didn’t watch him, instead staring at the clear water at her feet.  
“Look…” he started as he fiddled with his hands, “I’m sorry.”  
Erin looked at him hesitantly before looking back at the water again.  
“For what?” she retorted.  
“For what I said the other night.”  
She could sense how he was looking at her now, willing her to meet his gaze. When she didn’t he continued.  
“It’s impossible not to care about you. The man would have to be a machine to be able to resist you.”  
Erin looked up now, her dark eyes meeting his as they suddenly filled with mischief.  
“Although I’m still not entirely sure he isn’t. I’ve heard him speak…”  
Erin rolled her eyes at Poe’s ridiculous comment and his even more ridiculous timing and shoved him with her shoulder. He simply laughed and moved his arm around her narrow shoulders, pulling her in close as he turned serious again. Fights were easily solved between them, with laughter and hugs.  
“I was worried and tired and I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sorry.”  
“I’m sorry, too. For what I made you do.”  
“I know.” He replied, his voice warm. “I know it’s what you had to do to survive.”  
“I’m still sorry. I never should have used the Force on you like that, it’s wrong.”  
Poe didn’t let go of her, instead he moved his hand up and down her arm tenderly, Erin leaned into his side, feeling at home there. She could feel him shrug.  
“I know you won’t do it again.”  
His trust in her was generous but it made Erin feel bad about herself. He had always thought she was someone better than she actually had been.  
“So, how long did you know you could do all that?” he asked, trying to lift the conversation.  
Now it was Erin’s turn to shrug.  
“Maybe part of me always knew. I think it’s what kept me alive for so long back at Tabo-kul…”  
A long uncomfortable silence as that name brought them back to the harsh reality. Erin was the one to break it. Poe wasn’t much for talking about the past, he liked to move full speed ahead.  
“You know, he promised me he’d destroy that place someday. I just never thought he meant with me in it.”  
Poe still didn’t speak. Instead he moved his arm from her shoulders and sat back, broodily staring at the creek.  
“What?” Erin asked, she could tell something about her words was bothering him more than he let on. She could feel it and see it in the way he crinkled his nose.  
“I just can’t picture him as a man…when I think about him all I see is a…”  
“Monster?” Erin finished for him.  
“Yeah.” Poe admitted.  
Erin sighed and bit her lip, trying to keep herself from speaking her mind but she was unable to do so. Always had been.  
“You know, not everything the First Order does is by Kylo Ren’s command. In fact, most of it hasn’t been.”  
“That doesn’t make him innocent, Erin.” Poe’s voice grew darker.  
“I know that.” She took a deep breath to center herself. “But it doesn’t make him a monster either.”  
When Poe didn’t reply she could sense he didn’t understand, like he didn’t understand a lot of things she did.  
“I know you don’t understand, Poe.”  
“I really don’t.”  
“I loved him.” Her voice broke just slightly. She still loved him, but she thought it best not to say it.  
“I know.” His voice grew even darker.  
Silence again and Erin could sense the tension in the air like it was something palpable. Was Poe angry she could love someone like Kylo Ren of was this something else? Something that felt like jealousy. The man sighed and shook his head, moving his hand over his face to wipe off the frustration as he looked out at the woods in front of them. He was closing off, Erin could tell. He wanted to stop feeling what he did, he wanted to move forward.  
“I’m not saying you didn’t love him, and I’m not saying whatever happened wasn’t real. I’m saying maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that he’s not coming back, Erin.”  
He turned his head to meet her gaze and the intensity of his look caught her off guard because she knew he might be right. How could a love like theirs even be possible in a war like this? Maybe it had never been meant to last.  
  


*** 

The attack on Tabo-kul had made an impact on the galaxy that Ben had not quite foreseen. It had left both enemies and allies of the First Order wonder what direction their new Supreme Leader would take the organization. And although Ben felt some kind of relief in hearing rumors about himself being so very different from Snoke, the attack had also left him torn. He seemed to always act impulsively, being left with the actual realization of what he had done when it was too late.  
  
He had promised her to destroy the place that had ruined her life for years, but she had never asked him to do so. She had always been stronger than him that way, leaving the past behind instead of trying to kill it.   

He sat on the edge of his bed, his hands resting on the mattress as he closed his eyes trying to remember what her hand had felt like in his. It had been months since he had last seen her and remembering her was harder than he thought it would be. Memories of her always the most vivid whenever he did not consciously conjure them. He felt so lonely all of the time.

Ben sat in silence, his shoulders slumped slightly, concentrating on the memory of her as he reached out through the Force, searching the realm that it existed in for some sign of her. He had done this for months with no result. Nothing. The effort it took to search for her was the only thing that made it possible for him to sleep. And so, he kept searching, his eyes closed and his temples throbbing with effort, knowing it would only end in disappointment.

Except this time, _it didn’t._

In the darkness of his private quarters he could hear a breath that wasn’t his.

Ben’s heart skipped a beat as his eyes shot open. He was still in his sleeping quarters but the energy of it felt different. He could feel a tingle at the base of his back and he knew he wasn’t alone, something was behind him.

He was slow to turn, as if his movement might make her disappear, and when he turned she was there. Asleep.

It looked exactly as if she was in his bed although he knew she was most likely a galaxy away and he was surprised at how effortlessly the connection felt. How _real_. She sighed softly and shifted ever so slightly, and Ben could swear he felt the sheets move underneath his fingertips. He sat there, close to her and watched her sleep. It must’ve been warm where she was because her arms were bare and uncovered. Ben let his eyes roam over her skin, taking in the faint pink scars he didn’t remember she had realizing they must’ve been afflicted by Hux during her interrogation. Her skin wasn’t the color he remembered it to be but warmer and more alive and he could feel his hands yearning to touch her. He was still heartbroken by her betrayal and part of him had not yet been able to forgive her for leaving him behind but as he watched her sleep all of that seemed to fade.

His lips parted as his eyes wandered farther and down, across the light beige fabric that covered her chest to where it plunged down, showing more skin than she usually would have he knew. He tore his eyes from the soft looking curve of her breast and moved them back to her face. Her small nose covered in the faintest of freckles that could only be seen up close and her lips a color pink so deep they could’ve been flower petals.

She didn’t look fearless or dangerous, even though he had found that part of her extremely appealing, she didn’t look like a warrior in this moment, she looked _beautiful_. Covered in scars, dark circles under her eyes and messy hair did not change that. She looked so beautiful it made his heart ache and his eyes filled with tears that didn’t dare fall. He knew that what he wanted most would also risk losing this connection, but he had to try.  

And so, Ben reached out his hand, hovering it over the place where hers was, her slender fingers did not move as he lowered his to touch her. His fingertips brushed over her knuckles and down her finger, and when she didn’t disappear he slipped his hand over hers feeling a familiar warmth spread through his entire body. An electric shiver rushed up his spine as something inside of him seemed to fall into place sending a sensation of shock through him as Erin’s eyes shot open. 

And before he could look into them, or hold onto her hand in his, she was gone.

 

***  
  


It happened so fast she could hardly figure out what it had exactly felt like. It started with a touch, she could swear it started with a touch and warmth and a desire burning so hard it was ready to consume her whole when her eyes shot open and all she could see before he disappeared where his eyes.

_Ben Solo’s eyes._

Dark and beautiful and hungry with longing and desire and desperation and _so much loneliness_ they still haunted her now that they were gone.

She sat up straight in bed, sweat covering her back. When did she start breathing so fast? When did she start trembling? She pushed aside her sheets and rushed out of bed to look for him, any sign of him as she rushed out of the tent barefoot. The night was hot yet her skin was covered in goosebumps. She looked around and although she knew she would never find him there a part of her couldn’t stop hoping. She glanced down at her hand, holding it up to examine it up close and she could still feel it tingle, she could still feel the warmth of someone else’s skin on hers.  
“Erin, are you okay?”  
Erin quickly closed her hand, forming a fist as if she could someone hold onto the feeling of someone holding it before she turned to see Poe’s sleepy head pop out of the tent. His eyes were worried and although they were also a dark shade of brown they were so very different from the ones she had just seen. She felt herself frown in confusion as she glanced back only to see a dark base camp.  
“Yeah.”  
“What’s wrong?”  
She turned to face him again and shook her head.  
“Nothing. Thought I heard something.”  
Poe walked out, running his hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before he peered around.  
“I don’t hear anything.”  
“Must’ve been a dream.” Erin looked down at her hand again and as she opened her fist the feeling was gone. 

He was gone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss these two together! Don't you? I'm very excited for the next few chapters I'm writing and I can't wait for you guys to read them. Thank you for supporting this story, you guys are the best!


	5. Connection

It was busy at the Resistance base. While groups were out collecting whatever food the woods provided for free, some were readying themselves for battle by training together while others were building temporary homes and huts for repairing gear.

Erin enjoyed the daily hustle and bustle of the camp. The place seemed full of hope and life and although it often seemed chaotic and unorganized she much preferred it over the sterile environment of the First Order. It was good to be back, and she slowly started to realize it. Feeling more and more like the part of herself she liked better than who she had been most of her life.

 

Training the small group of younger Resistance members that was assigned to her grew more and more rewarding. Erin was filled with pride whenever they mastered a new maneuver or seemed to grow in confidence and helping these kids gave her days purpose.

“If you don’t mind helping me out here, Eloi?” Erin felt herself smile, something that had occurred more often lately as she stepped aside to let Eloi join her. The other students sat at the edge of the field, cross legged with turned up toward the both of them. Erin had taught Eloi this move years ago, but his new height and strength would no doubt make its technique much easier for him. They stood across from each other, a spark of mischief visible in both their eyes as they bent their knees, readying themselves to demonstrate what they had practiced so many times before. Eloi’s lips curled upward into a cheeky smile and Erin playfully narrowed her eyes at him.

“Get her, E!” a careful encouragement from one of the students. Erin was glad to hear that he had made friends and gladly dismissed the lack of respect for asking him to attack their teacher.

Erin didn’t move as all the muscles in her body seemed to tense up, her gaze shifting back and forth from his eyes to his feet, waiting for him to betray his next move.

When he charged at her she wasn’t surprised, instead she readied herself for contact. She was supposed to demonstrate the maneuver by taking him down, but she knew he wouldn’t just simply let her win. Eloi was a warrior, he had been made that way.

He went for her face first and she bent backward to dodge his attack. Laughing as he almost tipped over because of his own enthusiasm. But he wasn’t stopping there. A fist, a kick, the sharp point of his elbow, Erin had to really try and keep him from hitting her. She welcomed the challenge and she could tell he had gotten better. Much better. Although he was still a little unsure what to do with his newly elongated limbs. His fist made contact with her stomach and she quickly tightened her abdomen to endure the blow. She could hear him gasp in shock and mumble his regrets and used the moment of doubt to move forward and charge at him in return, chuckling as she did. The group of students was yelling now, calls of encouragement for the both of them mixed with laughter. She could tell he was getting tired, it had been a long time since he had fought for his life which had made him softer than he used to be. Erin however was barely feeling her muscles tire as she ducked, squatted and lunged forward. She was about to take him down, showcasing the maneuver they were supposed to demonstrate, when a tingle at the back of her neck distracted her. Her ears made a soft popping sound like she had been just pulled into a bubble and the hairs on her arms rose up all at once. Someone was watching them, she could feel it. She couldn’t see who or what though, because the next thing she felt was Eloi grabbing her shoulders and flipping her around to roughly land on her back in the grass. The blow had taken the breath from her lungs and she was harshly pulled back to reality as Eloi’s grinning face hovered over hers.

“And _that’s_ how it’s done.” He said sassily, before letting go of her and returning to his friends like he was their new hero. When Erin got up, the sensation of someone watching her was gone.  
  
***  
  
He had been in and out of diplomatically planned meetings. A repercussion of his attack on Tabo-kul, where he had purposefully killed many high ranked officials of their former allies. In Ben’s eyes anyone who could have hurt _her_ , was no ally at all. Hux however, seemed to think otherwise. He had arranged meetings with said allies to discuss the First Orders ‘new direction’ and to keep them aboard. Meetings that were tedious to Ben but that he had to attend.  Much to Ben’s surprise, he was good at politics, planning and adjusting strategies all within the same conversation, easily convincing his opponents of his new vision even without a display of power or malice. He realized he took after his mother after all, a thought that had infuriated him so much that he had now retreated to the confinement of his training quarters which he had not used since Snoke had been alive.

 

He wasn’t sure if he meant to see her. He tried to tell himself he hadn’t been trying to, but he knew that was a lie. When he did see her, everything stopped. His breath, his heart, his dark racing mind. All of it.

He instantly felt lighter.

Ben felt the corner of his mouth pull up just slightly as he watched her move from a distance this time. She was training, _of course she was_. She couldn’t stop moving whenever she was anxious, he understood because he shared the habit.

Her hair was down and everywhere, concealing her face from him most of the time but when he did see it he could tell she was laughing. He felt something pull at his heart, a mix of envy and anger.

He was the one wanting to make her laugh while at the same time he was angry for her at having anything to laugh about while he was left behind feeling lost and betrayed. She had never laughed with him and he wondered what was making her do so now. He noticed how she moved in ways he had taught her, and his emotions changed, was she still thinking of him too? Did she remember more than just the things he had taught her? Ben suddenly realized something was different this time. He had been so captivated by her he had not even seen that something was off. A boy. He could see the boy she was fighting. Tall and lean, with hair the color of honey and matching eyes. He recognized the boy from her mind, the boy she had told him about. _Her stories had been real_ and although he had found out they were by invading her mind during their last moments together, seeing it with his own eyes was somehow reassuring. The boy was older now, like a man but not quite. He was laughing too. Watching her with such admiration and tenderness that Ben suddenly felt like he was invading a moment that wasn’t his to see. But _how_ could he see him? Ben cocked his head to the side, moving closer slightly in curiosity. Studying the moment, the way the Force felt within and around him and the things that could be seen before him. He could not figure out how their connection had evolved in such a way. Ben suddenly came to a halt when he felt something change in the Force. Her emotions. She knew she was being watched. Her back was stiff and her head turned to the side as if she was trying to sense whatever was near.

For a moment he hoped she would turn around and look at him again, the way she had the other night. But the boy took her down before she could even move to face him and as her back hit the ground the connection broke.

 

***

 

Erin woke up early each day, a habit she couldn’t quite shake after returning from her mission. She was quiet as she got up and out of bed. It was already hot so she didn’t bother getting dressed just yet, her shorts and top just about decent enough to go outside. She moved through the tent on her toes, careful not to wake Eloi and Poe, who were both still asleep. Eloi occasionally balling his fists, no doubt in some dream fight while Poe seemed to mumble commands. She smiled for a moment, watching them tenderly, wondering what her life would look like if she had never left. She could’ve been happy with just the two of them, she could’ve maybe even fallen for Poe someday. It wasn’t like she had never thought about it.

When the man suddenly snored she was quick to rush outside, afraid to wake the both of them, finding that the sun was already starting to set.

The planet was lush and warm, almost tropical and it reminded her of where she grew up, so much so that it was easy to imagine she never left. The sky was a mix of deep blue lined with bright orange, casting a soft warm light over the Resistance base. Erin let out a soft sigh in awe, glancing upward at the burning sky as she moved to sit down cross legged.

As she sat in the tangerine light of dawn, allowing herself to relax for just a moment she was haunted by the memory of Ben’s eyes.

She knew she must have been feeling anything but excitement, but she couldn’t deny that part of her had been longing to see him. She knew the connection had been real, strange and seemingly impossible but _real_ , like so many things the Force had brought into her life.

 

The Force.

 

She had mostly denied its existence since her escape. A choice that now suddenly seemed unfair.

She glanced down at her hands, spreading her fingers wide, the tips of each of them reaching out as if she could somehow see the power manifest in between them. She turned her hands around, studying them closely, remembering a time where Ben -who still was Kylo Ren to her then- told her to simply reach out and feel.

She kept her palms upward, resting on her knees as she sat and closed her eyes. Erin took in a deep breath and almost smiled as she heard the birds waking up. The air was filled with the heady scent of flowers and moist dirt and the slightest hint of night air still lingering around her. She could feel the Force like one could feel their breath, flowing in and out of her, as real as anything. It comforted her, took away any discomfort she felt from aching muscles, like warm water surrounding her. It _healed_ her. Maybe not entirely, but she felt something changed now that she opened up to it and she wondered if it was a gift from the Force or her own power in it.

When she opened her eyes the peace within her was brutally replaced by shock, making her gasp just slightly in surprise as she saw a figure before her, bent over something, his back toward her.

She rushed to get up, her hands trembling as she watched him quietly for a moment, trying to muster the courage to speak.

“Ben…?” she breathed finally when she had found the strength.

He didn’t turn immediately, instead he stood tall, his back stiffening as if he was considering if he wanted to face her or not.

She automatically stepped closer but came to a halt when he turned. His face was damp and the hair around it wet, like he had just been washing his face. His eyes were big and dark, almost as if he was afraid before he frowned just slightly. Like he did when he was trying to understand something.

Erin’s heart was beating painfully in her chest while her breathing suddenly seemed hard to control. Was she afraid?

“Are you okay?” he demanded, his eyes shifting from side to side as if he was expecting something bad to happen.   

Erin frowned and blinked in confusion as anger started to build up inside her. Did he really want to know if she was okay after what he had done? When she didn’t reply, he pressed on urgently.

“Where are you?”

There was genuine concern in his voice and it confused her, as her gaze softened she slowly shook her head.

“I can’t tell you that.”

Ben suddenly took three large steps toward her and it was like he was right there in front of her, towering over her. Tall, dark and handsome just like she remembered him. He moved his hand up, letting it hover in the air right next to her cheek. Erin wondered what would happen if he moved any closer. She could feel his breath on her lips and smell his skin. She could feel how her body reacted to his even without her permission. He had tried to kill her, and she still wanted all of him. The dark and the light. The pleasure and the pain. It didn’t exactly help that she was wearing close to nothing.

“Are you okay?” he asked again, his voice less demanding this time, smooth like velvet and it made her insides go weak as his eyes moved from hers to her lips and down, taking her in brazenly. Not only in an intimate way, but like he had to make sure she was still intact.

She swallowed back any accusations she had wanted to throw at him and nodded warily.

“Why did you do it?” she suddenly asked, and her voice broke halfway through the sentence as she felt tears burning in her eyes. She refused to cry in front of him.

He watched her closely, his eyes growing dark with confusion and frustration as he shook his head. He didn’t answer her.  

“Why did you do it?” she repeated the question with more force, louder.

She must have been yelling because there was another voice now.

_“Who are you talking to?”_

She was quick to turn as a feeling of shame washed over her, suddenly feeling caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing as she looked up at the confused and sleepy face of her best friend. She blinked an abnormal amount and quickly shook her head. She knew Ben was gone without looking back because she couldn’t sense him anymore. It made it easier for her to act like nothing had happened.

“What are you talking about?” she lied and rushed into the tent, brushing past him. He caught her wrist and made her turn around.

“Hey…” he was fully awake now and his dark eyes turned soft. “Nightmares again?”

Erin felt bad for lying, but there was no way she could explain what had just happened, not without upsetting Poe and the entire Resistance leadership.

“Yeah, just a nightmare.” She lied. And he believed her because she was good at it.


	6. Help

Erin had not gotten much more sleep after what happened that morning. Poe had told her to try and get some more rest, but instead she had been wide awake in her bed feeling uneasy over the fact that her meeting with Ben -however abnormal- had not resulted in her getting any answers.  
And then there was the way he had made her feel. She knew she should hate him for what he had done but it was clear that she didn’t. In fact, she could still feel her heart beat faster at the thought of him. Thoughts that she wanted to stop thinking as she got up and out of bed to face the day head on.  
  


Mornings were busy at the Resistance base and so Erin sat at the very edge of the action, watching Eloi laugh and talk through his breakfast shift as she held a cup of caf between her hands. His little stunt the other day had made him quite the hero among his friends and Erin enjoyed watching him in such a normal setting. If you looked around the camp lately it could almost make you forget they were at war.  
  
Almost.

She was startled by a loud metal on metal clang and held onto her cup as the table and bench shook. The sound was quickly followed by a range of binary beeps and whistles. Erin turned on the bench to find BB-8 beeping excitedly beside her, the sound made her smile softly.  
“Good morning to you too, buddy.” She grinned and held up her cup of caf to him by ways of greeting him.  
“Good to see you smiling again.” A voice pitched in.  
Erin looked up and into the sun to find her best friend smiling down at her. She tentatively smiled back and turned back to the table and her caf while Poe stepped over the bench and sat down beside her.  
“You okay?” he asked, looking at her so purposefully Erin could feel his gaze burn into her cheek as she kept hers forward. That was the thing about Poe, he was always worried about her, always so sure she needed saving. She knew he meant well, but she didn’t feel much like talking about her feelings. She wanted to sit in silence and enjoy her caf.  
“I’m good.” She said, regretting the amount of sarcasm detectable in her voice.  
“What was going on this morning?”  
“Nothing.”  
“You were rambling out in the dark, that’s not nothing Erin.”  
“Well, I’m telling you it is.” She turned her head to shoot a look at him and he moved quick to hold up his hands in surrender.  
“Alright, alright. No talking about you losing your mind. I get it.”  
She knew it was meant as a joke but all she could manage was an eyeroll as Poe nudged her shoulder.  
“So, listen. I was wondering if you could help me later, after your training thing?”  
 _Training thing_ , did he really think the only real job was being a trigger-happy flyboy around here?  
“Training thing…?” She narrowed her eyes at him for saying it and he immediately smiled apologetically, which made him seem younger.  
“I’ve heard you’re doing great things.” He offered.  
“Fine, I’ll help you.” Erin caved, maybe mostly to keep him from talking so much in the morning.  
“Thank you. I’ll see you after then?”  
“I’ll be there.”  
 

***  
  
Being Supreme Leader had started to feel more and more like a job instead of a destiny. Ben didn’t mind working hard, he didn’t mind the complicated politics of his position, in fact he had always enjoyed intellectual stimulation, even when he was still a Padawan under Luke’s wing. But somehow fulfilling his destiny did not fill the void within him like he had expected it to.  
“They’ve been here for over two months, Kylo…we can’t just keep them locked up in there.”  
Ben frowned for a moment before returning his attention to the conversation he was having.  
Bass had been on his case for weeks now about the New Republic leadership they had taken as prisoners. Ben had been able to dodge the conversation time and time again, but this time the question was asked in a room full of the highest officials of the First Order. Simply intimidating Bass wouldn’t be an option.  
“The man is right, Supreme Leader. I suggest you let me take care of them.” General Armitage Hux was standing in between the seats of Bass and Aurora, his face smug as always.  
Hux and Bass were still thick as thieves, even though Ben had spared Bass’s life after his betrayal.  
“You will do no such thing, general.” Before Ben could explain why, Hux interrupted.  
“With all due respect, _Ren_. As Supreme Leader you should consider what this could mean for our reputation.”  
Ben balled his fists as he pursed his lips, taking in a deep breath to keep himself from making a scene in the middle of a room filled with officials doubting his ability to rule.  
“We do not want our enemies _nor our_ _allies_ to think we are weak. We have displayed quite some instability lately and I strongly suggest displaying some more power to regain the respect the Order deserves…”  
Ben wasn’t blind to the way Bass smirked and exchanged glances with the other generals, it was the only thing keeping him from igniting his lightsaber. He had to be smart about this. He could sense all of it falling apart just when he was about to make a start to change things.  
The leather around his knuckles squeaked softly as he let out a shaky breath. When Hux seemed to want to continue he could swear he would lose his mind, but his impending breakdown was interrupted by a woman’s voice.  
“I’m sure that what the general means is that we will offer you any assistance you need in this situation.”  
Aurora’s words were an empty distraction but the confidence in her voice and posture as she rose to stand was daunting.  She glared over at the general and spoke in a hushed tone as she continued.  
“I strongly suggest displaying some more respect to your Supreme Leader.” She hissed, mimicking the tone and words Hux had just used on Ben and he was grateful.  
“Stand down, Aurora. I can handle this.” He wasn’t being condescending or cruel to her as the look he gave her silently thanked her for her loyalty before all humanity faded from them. In that moment Ben was gone. Kylo Ren rose to his feet, slow and intentional before he moved to glide across the room and toward the general.  
The temperature suddenly seemed to drop and the power that moved around Kylo as surely as his cloak silenced each and every person in the room. He moved in on Hux like a hunter would on his prey and he could feel the anxiety rise within the man. He could heart his heart beating faster and see how blood rushed up to his pale cheeks as he took the slightest step back.  
Kylo towered over him, his face inches from Hux’s as he whispered just loud enough for everyone to hear.  
“With all due respect, general.” His deep voice was dripping with sarcasm, making it obvious he was enjoying this. “Question me again and I will have you fired off this ship and into the vacuum of space.”  
When he finished his sentence Kylo was suddenly aware that he had been using the power of the Force, robbing not only Hux but the entire room of their air. He took a quick step back, startled by his own power and could hear how everyone around him gasped in relief. He glanced around, eyes wide in slight panic as he had realized what he had been doing. He couldn’t meet their horrified gazes as he could feel them look at him in terror and so he turned, storming out of the briefing room like the monster he was.  


***

  
“You must be joking…” Erin shook her head and paced the tent, running her hand through her hair as she came to a halt and pointed at Poe accusingly.  
“I’m not allowed on this mission because you and Leia are scared it’ll be too painful for me…and now you want me to help you plan it?” she scoffed.  
“Only partly.” Poe replied dryly.  
“You should be taking me with you! I know that ship. I know the First Order. I know _him_.” She started pacing again, anything to contain her anger.  
“Which is why I need your help…” Poe almost sounded sarcastic.  
“I’m not helping you plan your suicide mission.” She shook her head. “You do know that’s what this is right…if you’re going there alone.”  
“I won’t be alone.”  
Erin rolled her eyes and shook her head as she bit her lip so hard she could almost taste blood. She pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes for a moment. Letting Poe’s question sink in.  
“This is insane.” She mumbled.  
“It’s not impossible.”  
“Yes. It is.”  
“Don’t say that.” Poe took a step closer, but Erin quickly shook her head.  
“Don’t ask me to stay behind.” She countered as she turned to walk away from him.  
Poe was silent for a long time. Erin watched the glowing blue light of the charts behind her reflected off against the walls of the tent. A galaxy of neon blue and orange lines beamed up against the fabric, moving slowly.  
“It wasn’t Leia who made the call…” his voice was soft and apologetic.  
Erin didn’t turn.  
“I did. Bringing you would bring the squad in more danger than they need to be.”  
She frowned deeply now, turning around quickly, her arms crossed as she glared at him.  
“Excuse me?” she walked up to him now, her blood boiling under her skin with anger. “You have no what I have faced for the First Order, by myself…”  
“Erin…” Poe tried to interrupt.  
“…I’m pretty sure I can handle a rescue mission without having a mental breakdown…”  
“It’s because of me.”  
“…And I know you think I’m going insane but I’m stronger than I’ve ever been…”  
“E! It’s because of me, okay?!” he raised his voice, loud and stern but not aggressively. The sound of it made Erin shut her mouth and look at him in surprise. She wasn’t sure she understood what he was saying so she remained quiet. She watched as he looked down at his feet, sighing deeply before running his hands over his face as if he was mustering the courage to continue the conversation.  
“It’s too dangerous for them because I would be distracted. I know if you go back there he won’t let you go. It would be like putting oil on a fire, Erin. I know the chances of surviving this mission are higher with your help, but I won’t risk anything happening to you. So, I’m asking for your help now. Will you please help me?”  
Erin understood that Poe wasn’t asking her to stay because he thought she was a liability. He was asking her to stay because if she went with them he would be the liability. She didn’t agree with him, but the look in his eyes told her that he wouldn’t change his mind, so she nodded slowly and pushed her own anger aside.    
“I’ll help you.”

 

***  


He could feel a change within him as he paced his private quarters, as if the dark was subsiding like an ocean would during the tide. The darkness that was Kylo Ren seemed to fade into the background only to leave Ben Solo anxiously realizing that he had just attacked all of the people he needed to be on his side.  
There was a soft knock on metal but Ben had no time to tell whoever was at his door that they should come back later because Aurora stormed into his room. Her silvery blonde hair waving behind her as she almost seemed to run toward him.  
“What was that?!”  
Ben knew she had entered his room with help of the Force but he couldn’t find the energy to scold her for it.  
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, not loud enough for her to hear. He meant at least part of it, he had not meant to hurt her.  
“You can’t just go around choking all your officials, Kylo. Not while…”  
He turned suddenly, facing her. All her confidence was gone. When she was around him she was as fragile as a bird, as if she was scared of him. He hated the way she looked at him.  
“While what?” he replied eerily calm. He knew what she was trying to say. He knew because she had warned him before and he could feel it all around him. Being Supreme Leader to the First Order was like trying to hold onto sand, he could feel it slipping away from him day by day and he knew that didn’t only mean his position was in danger…his life would be too. There was no way back from being Supreme Leader, no way back alive at least. He knew because he had taken the life of his predecessor. When Aurora didn’t reply he continued. “While what? Say. It.”  
“They’re planning a coup, Kylo.”  
“I know.” He replied.

And although he did know, hearing it from someone else turned the desperation inside of him into a storm. 

***

Poe had spent the evening presenting Erin his plans and asking her so many questions her head was now throbbing. Questions about the ship, about the holding cells, about the Stormtroopers and the generals. By the end of the night they had adjusted what was the start of Poe’s plan into a more realistic strategy of the rescue mission.  
Exhausted from thinking so much both of them had headed back to their tent, planning on presenting the plan to Leia in the morning. Erin had not been surprised to find Eloi’s bed empty when they returned, it was still early when she crashed down onto her small mattress still fully dressed.  
Across the room Poe did the same, kicking off his shoes and adjusting the pillow under his head as he looked up the two silver moons shining through the tent’s fabric.  
It was quiet, and Erin gratefully closed her eyes, relaxing into her bed as her heavy arms and legs started to relax. Training had been rough today, the progress the kids were making was taking its toll on her body. She tried not to think about all the plans being made, instead focusing on a more neutral thought, trying to figure out what she would teach her students next, hoping she’d fall asleep soon.  
“Erin?”  
Poe’s voice sounded warmer in the dark, as if not seeing him made it easier to hear what his voice was really like.  
“Yes?”  
A long silence again and Erin could feel how she drifted off slightly, opening her eyes again as he continued.  
“Remember before you went on your mission…”  
Erin had a feeling of where this conversation was going, and she suddenly felt wide awake. She didn’t reply, the tension suddenly tangible in the tent.  
“That kiss…”  
“Poe.” Erin turned to look at him in the dim light of the moon through the tent and shook her head slightly, she realized he hadn’t noticed when he kept talking.  
“Part of me thought that meant something. Did you ever…?”  
Erin wanted to tear her eyes from his, she wanted so badly to look away and pretend this conversation wasn’t happening, but it was too late. His gaze demanded her full attention, like she owed him an answer. A strange sense of sorrow came over her as she realized that just after that kiss she wondered what it had meant too. She knew it had meant something, it _had_ made her feel something. But the cold hard environment of the First Order and her urge to survive there had pushed all of that aside. Erin had closed herself off, like so many times before. Until she met Ben.  
“A lot had happened since then.” She replied quietly.  
“Like Kylo Ren?”  
“Yeah. Like Kylo Ren.”


	7. Heard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the angst returns...

Facing Poe after what happened the night before should have been awkward but somehow it wasn’t. Poe’s overly worried and somewhat condescending side also meant he was patient with her once more, allowing her to wallow in her heartbreak over a man that could have never truly been hers.

The two of them made their beds in silence as Eloi told them about his night with his friends and how he had almost gotten into a fight with one of the older kids. He told the story with pride and passion and while Erin was glad to hear he had stood up for what he believed in, Poe wasn’t too happy about the situation.  
“You better behave yourself while I’m gone, Eloi. You can’t just go around punching people in the face just because they don’t agree with you!”  
Erin had heard this argument before, in their early days when she would end up in fights over nothing in particular because fighting was the only thing she knew.  
“But…”  
“But nothing.” Poe roared and Erin frowned as Eloi shot her a pleading look. She suddenly realized why Poe and her would’ve never worked out, not even if she had never met Ben. Poe didn’t understand where they were coming from. He didn’t understand darkness. He was pure light. A bright and impulsive light, but he would always want to be the hero. He couldn’t possibly understand what it was like to be a villain. Poe had killed but wasn’t a killer, something that would always stand between them.  
“Poe.” Erin warned, her voice low.  
“Don’t Poe me. He’s got to obey orders.”  
“ _Your_ orders?” Eloi’s voice was suddenly dark and Erin could swear she felt something change in the room. Something that was almost palpable.  
“Yes. My orders.”  
“Poe, stop it.” Erin physically moved herself in between the two of them, glaring up at her best friend warningly. He was showing a side she had not seen of him before and wondered if it was what he had turned into while she had been gone. While he had been left to deal with a teenage Eloi.  
“You’re teaching him it’s okay to be violent.” Poe pointed at the boy over her shoulder like he was proving a point, his voice filled with judgement.  
“I’m teaching him discipline and strength.” Erin said, the tone of her voice sharp but controlled.  
She wasn’t giving in to this argument easily, she knew she was doing the right thing by training the young Resistance members.  
“Is that what _he_ taught you?” Poe hissed, suddenly taking a step closer, towering over her. Erin faced him without fear, her eyes narrow as she stared up at him. Maybe she had been wrong. Maybe something had changed the night before.  
“I think you’re late for your meeting with Leia.” Was all she said before turning around to walk up to Eloi. She could hear him storm off but didn’t look back, trying to remain calm in front of the young boy beside her.  
They were silent for a moment while Erin helped Eloi fix his sheets.  
“He doesn’t mean it, you know.” Erin tried optimistically. Eloi just scoffed.  
“Yeah, he does.”  
She knew he was right and she wouldn’t lie to him by denying it again.  
“What _did_ Kylo Ren teach you?” Eloi asked after a long silence. He was the only one that wasn’t scared to mention his name to her. Him and Leia, who only referred to him as Ben. Erin stopped pulling at the sheets and looked up as Eloi sat down on the thin mattress and watched her purposefully. His eyes a hundred years old.  
“He taught me how to fight better. Use different weapons.”  
“And how to use the Force.” Eloi said, a hint of strange curiosity in his voice.  
“And how to use the Force.” Erin nodded.  
“But I don’t think that’s just something someone can teach you. It was there even before I met Ben.” The name slipped out so naturally. Erin felt how her cheeks flushed and hoped Eloi didn’t notice. “Do you think it’s bad?” Erin watched him now, sitting down next to him. “The Force, I mean.”  
Eloi shook his head quickly.  
“No, I think it’s amazing. Will you show me?”  
“What?” Erin frowned, a slight smile forming at the corner of her lips. The boy was so curious, always asking her to show him how the world worked. In a way nothing had changed.  
“Will you show me how you do it?”  
Erin took a deep breath as if tapping into the Force took strength all on its own while it didn’t. It was just always there, like an inexhaustible river. While telekinesis was her most immature Force power, it was the easiest way to show Eloi the things she had learned and so she concentrated on moving the cup at her bedside up and into the air in front of him. The object was small enough to do so without too much effort and Erin smiled as Eloi started to laugh in wonder. She watched his face as his eyes started to sparkle and lowered the cup in his open hands, the palm of her hand still tingling from the energy running through it.  
“How does it feel?” he asked, his voice filled with innocent curiosity. Erin thought about it for a moment, contemplating her answer before she spoke.  
“It’s like sunshine, or the wind. You know it’s there and you can feel it moving, warm and soft and strong all at once.”  
“And the dark side?” he watched her carefully now, shy about his own question but she could tell he had to know. He already knew she would not only have used the light side of the Force, he wasn’t naïve.  
“Strong.” Erin admitted. “And powerful. Like water.”  
“Were you ever scared?” his voice was little now, like a child’s and Erin quickly shook her head.  
“Of the Force? Never.” This was true.  
“And the rest of it?” Eloi continued.  
“All the time.”  
  
  
Leia had asked Erin to come see her after her training, apologizing for Poe’s choice but admitting to her she would have to agree with him before telling her his squad would be leaving first thing in the morning. The Resistance had received words from allies in the outer rim on the location of the Supremacy and Poe had decided the time had come for their rescue mission. Leia had made her promise she wouldn’t do anything stupid, and Erin had promised she wouldn’t and meant it. Eloi had not quite forgiven Poe for their fight from before, but Erin insisted that he’d join them for dinner with the rest of the Resistance fighters that night. They enjoyed a meal that was just a little fancier than usual, with fresh meat instead of portions and spirits instead of water.  
Erin sat by the fire and watched Eloi dance with a girl that had recently joined her training. Her name was Isobel and her hair was long and a red so deep it looked like flamed were dancing around her. She looked at Eloi like maybe he was magic and he looked back at her like she was the scariest thing in the world and Erin realized once more that he was no longer the child she had protected for so long. She chuckled and took another sip of her emerald wine, courtesy of Lando Calrissian apparently. She could already feel the wine’s effects on her as she felt someone sit down next to her. She didn’t take her eyes from the scene in front of her, enjoying the awkward situation too much to turn away from it.  
“He’s really bad at this.” Poe.  
“Yeah, he is.” Erin laughed.  
“Well, to be fair…he doesn’t have the best role model for that sort of thing.”  
Erin chuckled into her cup and glanced over at him from over the edge of it. Poe was charming and popular with women and he knew it.  
“Yeah, right.” She snorted. “I can’t remember you ever being that awkward.” She pointed at Eloi who was now painfully close to stepping on the girl’s toes for the second time.  
“Maybe you just weren’t paying attention.” Poe mumbled just loud enough for her to hear, making the situation suddenly awkward on its own as she set down her cup abruptly.  
“I heard you’re leaving in the morning.” She changed the subject quickly.  
“Leia.” Poe stated before asking her how she knew, realizing the woman would have spoken to her.  
“Be careful, okay? Eloi needs you back.” Erin dared to look at him again, the gravity of the situation making her ignore that she felt uncomfortable about his comment. “I need you back.”  
He looked at her in silence for a moment, his dark eyes suddenly sad before he nodded solemnly.  
“I’ll be back before you know it.” He replied with fake optimism and she could tell he was scared. He had had enough time to think this over, something Poe usually wasn’t too good at. He was good at impulsive heroism, not calculated suicide missions.  
The both of them looked back at Eloi, who was suddenly holding the girl’s hand in his as they swayed to the slightly out of tune music.  
“I’m sorry about what I said earlier.”  
“I know.”  
The same old conversation all over again. One of them was sorry and the other knew.  
“I know you’ve had a difficult time, and I know you did what you had to for the Resistance.”  
Although Poe meant his words as an apology they somehow still felt like an accusation. Maybe it was her own shame that twisted everything nice he said into something cruel.  
“I don’t want him to live what I have lived. I’ll try harder.” Erin said suddenly, partially because she felt like it was what he wanted to hear and partially because it was what she was feeling.  
She was feeling like she had failed Eloi, because she was still a killer, dark and evil and cruel and she was still teaching him how to be one as well. It was the only thing she felt like she had to teach. “You should get some rest.” She continued quickly and nudged his shoulder, before he could break the silence that was growing uncomfortable.  
Somehow the upcoming events made everything heavier, a sense of danger and doom persistent in the air.  
“I’d rather stay here just a little while longer.” He said as he moved his arm and slipped it around her shoulders, pulling her in closer and somehow all the things that had happened before were gone and they were back to their old selves. The people they had been before she had left for her mission and things had gotten complicated. Poe had a talent to make things feel like home.  
“Can I trust you to not do anything stupid while I’m gone?” he squeezed her shoulder and chuckled, his words making Erin laugh.  
“When do I ever _not_ do anything stupid while you’re gone?” she joked back and sitting like that felt nice and comfortable and _easy_ as she leaned into his side and rested her head on his shoulder. Taking her time to enjoy these moments with him, knowing all too well they might be their last.  
  


***  
  
He knew they would be coming for him soon. He had heard it through the halls and felt it through the Force. The unmistakable sense of betrayal mixed with sickening excitement. Aurora had come to warn him one last time, telling him the time had come, that they would all turn on him soon. He had told her to turn on him too, to join her brother and save herself. She had resisted at first and Ben could’ve sworn he had seen tears in her eyes before she turned and left him. You should’ve left when you had the chance. A voice deeper and darker but still his own spoke to him in his mind, he sound of it malicious and accusatory. He tried to ignore it as he stood in his private quarters and looked out at the stars. Little specs of light in all that black.

 You’ve given everything you had for nothing. He had lost everything. His mother, his father, his teacher, his love. He had lost all of it to the darkness in hope to regain something that would fill the hole inside of him. Being the Supreme Leader had only enlarged it. The dark side had given him nothing but useless power in return. A power that had estranged him from anything he had ever truly wanted.

_You’ll die a failure._

He didn’t even have the strength to finish what he had believed in for most of his life. He had not even had the strength to continue to pursue it. His mind weakened by all he had done to get there.

_You’ll die for nothing._

All that potential would die with him. The legacy would end here. He wouldn’t put up a fight because he had nothing left to fight for.

_You’ll die a failure._

The voice grew louder and he realized it was the voice of Kylo Ren, screaming at whatever was left of Ben Solo. Ben Solo, the boy he had tried so hard to kill would now finally meet his end.

_You’ll die a monster._

Ben closed his eyes, opening up to the Force as if it could bring him comfort. He could take on some of them, maybe even most of them. But he couldn’t take on the entire army by himself. And even if he could, what would he do, where would he go. The First Order had already turned its back against him, no display of power would change that.

_You’ll die alone._

All alone.  
  
  


***  
  
  
She sensed him before she could see him, like so many times before.

Erin opened her eyes, but she wasn’t sure if they were actually open or if she was still dreaming. This didn’t feel like a dream. This felt like something else as she moved from her bed and looked around the tent. Poe and Eloi were sleeping, and the space was so silent she couldn’t even hear them breathe. In fact, she heard nothing. Not the wind or the birds outside nor the ever-present sound of work done at the resistance base.  No, she could feel this was a different place, a different dimension even. Where the Force was buzzing with energy like her entire body consisted of electricity and time and space was no longer linear. This was a place where the Force tried to tell her something. She knew this because she had felt it before. And so, she let that feeling lead her, like a string attached to her heart, growing out of her chest and out in front of her, pulling her forward.

Her entire body was trembling, and the air was filled with the sound of her own breath. Shaky and uneven, erratic almost and she couldn’t tell why. She felt anxious and trapped and was overcome by such deep regret. Everything inside of her was screaming, telling her she had made all the wrong choices and Erin couldn’t make sense of any of it as she kept walking. Faster. Faster. Faster. Away from the camp and into the forest beyond.

_You should’ve left when you had the chance._

_You’ve given everything you had for nothing._

_You’ll die a failure._

_You’ll die for nothing._

_You’ll die a failure._

_You’ll die a monster._

_You’ll die alone._

Her own voice said viciously inside her mind, over and over again, dark whispers growing louder and louder until it felt like they were being roared at her. Her ears and head hurting while her surroundings were completely silent. She only realized she was running when she half tripped over the root of a tree, finding her balance just before she hit the ground.

And that’s when she saw him.  

He was surrounded by darkness, trees reaching for him like twisted tentacles. His face was so white against the black of night. His eyes haunted as he seemed to look right through her and that face made her forget all that he had done. He looked terrified and Erin realized that everything she had felt, everything that had led her here had been him. It had all been him and he was in danger. Real, overpowering, irreversible, lethal danger. His eyes suddenly met hers. His spirit and power in the Force burning with such intensity she could feel it half the galaxy away. He was roaring, crying out for help at the top of his lungs.

And she had heard him.  
  
When she woke with a violent jolt she was in her own bed. She sat up straight, her shirt covered in sweat as she glanced around quickly for a sign of him but there was nothing. Erin knew what had happened in her dreams was not just a dream. Ben would die soon, she knew this was true with every fiber of her being.  
The Force was buzzing inside of her, bubbling restlessly inside and around her as she hurried to get up and out of bed, grabbing whatever clothes she could find before rushing out of the tent and toward the spaceships. She ran so far her lungs started to burn while her bare feet hurt from the sticks and stones under them. She clumsily pulled on her boots, not bothering to fasten the laces as she saw the fighters and shuttles in the distance, quickly pulling a long sleeved shirt over her head.

She knew which spacecraft Poe would be taking because she knew him like no one else. She also knew it was the only reliable spaceship left at base that was big enough to fit his crew and the New Republic leadership they might be saving. She rushed toward it, glancing over her shoulder before entering it, easily cracking the security code. The ship was quiet, already equipped with everything they might need on their mission. Erin felt anxious, her emotions building up inside of her as if she was carrying not only her own but Ben’s as well. She could still see him if she closed her eyes, still sense his fear and desperation and it took all of her self-control not to steal the ship and go back to him right now. But she knew she would never be able to save him by herself. She would never be able to get into the Supremacy without help and she would most definitely never get out without it. Her heart was beating painfully fast as she looked around the ship for a place to hide long enough for the ship to take off with her unnoticed. As she pulled open one of the supply shafts she heard a voice behind her.  
“What are you doing?” The voice was Eloi’s and he was standing with his hands on his hips, looking down at her accusingly.  
His golden eyes gleaming in the night and Erin was once again taken aback by the slightest hint of darkness that was always present in them. She quickly motioned for him to be silent as she got up and rushed toward him. His face immediately softened when he saw her.  
“What’s wrong?” Erin tugged at his arms, pulling him down and out of sight and as she touched him she could suddenly tell she was trembling violently and so was he, like a mirror.  
“You’re scared.” He stated and frowned as his fingertips dug into her arms as if he could keep her from falling apart by holding her tighter.  
“Do you trust me?” Erin asked, her voice surprisingly strong.  
Eloi did not answer right away and Erin tried to ignore how much his pause hurt.  
“I trust you.” He said eventually.  
“Then you have to believe me when I say I _have to_ go with them.”  
Eloi frowned deeply and she could tell she was breaking his heart as he held onto her arms tighter, so tight she was sure his fingers would leave bruises on her skin. He shook his head and his eyes filled with the warning of tears, a plea so desperate she was torn apart between going and staying.  
They both knew this meant he might end up alone. That both Poe and Erin might not return.  
“Can I come with you?” he asked. Erin bit her lip and shook her head.  
“Please?” Eloi said and his voice broke half way through the word.  
“I need you to keep Poe from finding out.”  
“Please don’t leave me behind again.” Eloi begged and the look in his eyes was wild and filled with complete terror.  
“I’d rather die with the both of you than stay behind alone.” His voice was suddenly stern and strong, his eyes determined as he let go of her arms and looked at her with newfound strength.  
“So we’re both going, or we’re both staying. It’s your call.” He suddenly moved to rise up and Erin pulled him back down. She knew he was serious, she could feel a determination coming from him that she knew no one could break. The only way to get out of here and to the Supremacy was on a ship with everyone she ever cared about, it was a most dangerous bet but she was taking it.  
“Fine. But we have to hide.”  
“Fine.” Eloi replied. “I know a better spot.”  
Something told her he had done this before, not too long ago, as she followed him to a hiding spot he found without too much effort. It was a different type of shaft at the back of the ship, it required them to climb but they both fit into it quite comfortably. Eloi moved his long arms out and down to the ground to take the metal screen from the ground and pulled it back to hide them from plain sight. Turning slightly so they were now lying down face to face in the darkness.  
“So, are you going to tell me what we’re doing?” he whispered.  
Erin knew she should be afraid or ashamed, she knew she should try to keep her true cause from him. Rationally she _knew_ all this. But her feelings were telling him to trust him, to confide in him because he would _understand_. And so she did.  
  
“We’re saving Kylo Ren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going back to the Supremacy... who else is excited? I know I am. I cannot wait for you guys to read the next chapter I'm working on. Thoughts, predictions, hopes?


	8. Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back...

A deep rumbling sound woke Erin up suddenly. They had not been out long, yet the surprising comfort of confinement had managed to lull them to sleep. Eloi stirred next to her and her eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness to be able to tell he was rubbing his eyes.  
“They’re leaving.” Erin whispered, twisting and turning ever so slightly to try and hear whoever was aboard.

“He won’t find us here.” Eloi assured her.  
Erin was still surprised he had not put up a fight when he had heard her plan. In fact, he had patiently listened to her, only to nod in agreement when she finished explaining to him how she knew Kylo Ren needed saving.

He asked just a few questions, the most important one being;  
“Do you believe this is the right thing to do?”  
To which she answered: “Absolutely.”

After which he told her he’d help her just as long as she wouldn’t leave him behind ever again. Erin had agreed to this half-heartedly, afraid to put the boy in danger but knowing fully well he wouldn’t change his mind. And so here they were. Hiding from the other Resistance fighters until they were far away enough to come out.  
“You snuck on board when Poe came to save me, didn’t you?” Erin whispered, realizing Poe would have never put Eloi in danger like that willingly. Eloi answered with a hint of a smirk and a spark of mischief in his golden eyes which made Erin roll her eyes and shake her head in return. Her heart was glowing with the knowledge that Eloi wanted to come save her even when he may have hated her. She promised herself she would never let anything come in between them ever again, not like she had in the past.  
“Thank you.” She whispered as she squeezed his arm, thanking him for more than just this moment.

 

They listened as Poe shouted his commands at his crew, his voice filled with contagious anticipation and a hint of anxiety one could only hear if knowing the man well enough. Eloi shifted impatiently as the spaceship moved and Erin shot him a warning look.  
It seemed to take forever for the ship to enter hyperspace but when it did Erin could hear how the crew made themselves comfortable and started to go over the plans once more. She counted two or three other voices besides Poe’s and she imagined they’d hardly be enough to successfully execute a rescue mission like this and suddenly she felt even more confident about her plan. She wasn’t only going back for Ben, this way she could make sure Poe wouldn’t be harmed.

Erin listened as Poe called out their coordinates every once in a while, counting and calculating their distance to the Resistance base when Eloi suddenly started to move.

“What are you doing?” Erin hissed.

“I’m getting out.”

“What? Now?!”

“Yes, now. My back hurts.”

Erin raised her brows at the simplicity of his reasoning and pulled him back by his shoulder.

“Wait…”

“For what? He’s not gonna go back now, Erin.”

“What if he will?” 

“Then you better convince him otherwise.” Eloi moved to push the metal grid away, dropping it to the ground dramatically as he climbed out from the shaft.

Erin could already hear the shocked reactions of the crew as she hurried to climb out herself. When she got up and straightened her back she instantly faced Poe Dameron, who was roaring at the both of them.

“What the hell is going on?!”

Poe stepped forward, his dark eyes blazing as he pointed at her and Eloi who wanted to step in between them and explain the situation.

“Poe, she…”  
Both Poe and Erin shot him a warning look as Erin placed her hand on the boy’s chest to hold him back. Poe was quickly joined by two people Erin recognized from his Black Squadron. Jessika Pava and Temmin Wexley, respected Resistance fighters.  
“Kaleo?” Jessika frowned at the sight of her and Erin tried not to look at her apologetically.

“Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on?” Poe said sternly, glaring from Erin to Eloi and back to Erin.  
“I can’t let you do this without me, Poe. You’ll need all the help you can get.”  
“I told you to stay put.”  
“And I told you I wanted to help.”

“I didn’t want your help, Erin. I wanted you and Eloi to be safe!”  
The fight felt strangely intimate with people watching and Poe seemed to realize it too as he turned and sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he shook his head before turning back to her.  
Erin took a deep breath to center herself, closing her eyes for a moment until she felt calm enough to speak. Her voice firm.

“I _know_ that ship, Poe.”

“And she’s strong with the Force!” Eloi suddenly chimed in. “I’ve seen it.”

“Eloi!” Poe and Erin turned to him in unison, shutting the boy up immediately.  
“Let me help you.” Erin pleaded, feeling guilty for her ulterior motives and thankful that Eloi had not brought them up.   
“Look, Poe. Kaleo’s right. We could use the help.” Jessika spoke up and Erin was surprised to have her on her side.  
Erin walked up to Poe now, his arms were firmly crossed over his chest and she dared to put her hand on his forearm carefully. He didn’t immediately shake her off, instead his eyes met hers in an agonizing gaze. She moved in closer now, wanting to reassure him that he wouldn’t make a mistake by letting her help, just close enough to whisper to him.  
“You’ve done enough, Poe. You know this is the smart thing to do.”  
“You’ll do something rash, like you always do.” He whispered back.  
 “I can take care of myself, Poe. Ever since you saved us you’ve protected us, helped us. Now let me help you.” Her voice was as quiet as possible, turning gentler at the end of her words. She knew what she was asking him, and it didn’t help that part of her was lying to him. It was true that she wanted to protect him and the others, she wanted to help, but she also wanted to help Ben. The man in front of her closed his eyes, stepping away from her touch, chewing his cheek as he considered his options. He turned to face the rest of his crew and for a moment Erin wondered if he was going to ask for their opinion. When he remained quiet Wexley spoke up.

“She managed to stay alive behind enemy lines long enough, might as well use her knowledge to our advantage cap’.”  
Erin wondered how much Poe had told his friends about her time at the First Order, had he shared all of her secrets? The ship was quiet for a long time, the only sound that coming from the ship itself or Eloi nervously tapping his foot in the corner of the crew lounge. Erin watched Poe’s back nervously, she knew he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop her if he wanted to but somehow his approval was important to her. Because it meant he recognized her worth, it meant he still trusted her. Poe’s shoulders rolled as he straightened his back, his lips parted as he turned, filling his lungs with air so slowly it seemed to take forever before he exhaled the word;

“Fine.”  
The frown on his forehead and the tension around his lips told her he wasn’t too happy with the situation and she decided not to press the matter, whispering a quiet thank you before retreating to sit next to Eloi.

“What did you say to him?” Eloi asked, hinting at the hushed conversation between her and Poe.  
“Nothing.” Erin shook her head and kept her eyes fixed upon Poe, who now turned and headed toward the cockpit. Suddenly, she felt nervous, biting her lip as she tried to figure out how she was going to do this. It abruptly dawned on her that she might not survive, that Ben might not even want her help, that he might truly hate her. Did a part of her hate him too? It was hard to tell why she came aboard, was it because Ben’s fear and desperation were so overwhelming they overthrew her own emotions or was it because she still hoped that at least a part of their connection had survived? And what would happen if she _did_ save him? What was the plan when they would get out of that place? Erin’s heart was racing, and she knew she had to move, she couldn’t sit still like this, she got up and started to pace the crew lounge, Eloi watching her every move with those knowing eyes while the rest of the crew had joined Poe in the cockpit.  
“You’re not letting me come, are you?” Eloi suddenly spoke.  
Erin was glad he offered some distraction and as she stopped pacing she honestly considered the question. She had seen him fight lately, he had gotten better than he ever was before. But the thought of him on that ship, surrounded by so many enemies sent a wave of panic over her. Maybe she was just like Poe, holding on to what she loved so tightly while she should be setting it free.  
“Do you want to?” she asked, regretting the question immediately.  
“Yeah.” His voice was deep and certain. “Yes, I do. I want to help you.”

“You mean Poe.” Erin corrected sternly, and the boy shook his head.

“No, I want to help _you_.”  
  
In total it had taken them a day and a half to get to the Supremacy, which was currently located on the edge of the Expansion Region very near to -if not on- the Rimma Trade Route.  
Erin had only slept when Eloi and her had been in hiding and although she had tried, mostly because she hoped to be connected to Ben, she had not been able to rest.  
They were lucky enough to be able to join the ships on the trade route and slip by unnoticed. Erin wondered what the Supremacy was doing here, were they doing business with these traders? As the Supremacy doomed up in front of them she rushed to the window next to Poe, taking the seat next to him as she watched the enormous ship. Her heart skipped a beat and she suddenly felt cold. She pressed her hands firmly to the cold metal of her armrests to them from trembling.  
“Well,” Poe mumbled. “Here goes nothing.”  
And with those words the crew readied themselves to board enemy territory, strapping themselves in their seats as their captain guided them toward the Star Dreadnought.

 

Entering the Supremacy successfully was both a miracle and a nightmare as Erin guided their squad down the halls of the place she had come to know so well. Leia had arranged more than enough disguises, Stormtrooper uniforms for those tall enough and an officer uniform for the Jessika. To Erin’s surprise she found another one that would fit her perfectly and as she had changed into the familiar black of the First Order she wondered if Leia had known all along that Erin would not stay behind.  
While Poe and Erin had been working on the escape they had strategically chosen their point of entry. The Supremacy was as big as a city on its own, it could take forever to get from one side of the ship to the other and time was not on their side. Erin pulled the hat of her uniform down enough so that her eyes were hiding while she kept her head down. They might not recognize Jessika around here but they’d surely recognize one of their most infamous traitors.

As they moved in the direction of the holding cells in unison, Erin was finding it harder and harder to breathe. The belt of her uniform strapped snugly around her waist felt like it was tightening around her and she had to ball and un-ball her fists repeatedly to remain calm. She suddenly realized this anxiety was not entirely her own as she felt a familiar darkness seep into the deepest corners of her mind.  


_Ben._  
  
***  
  
The bridge was strangely abandoned except for a few communications officers.  
  
He knew what was coming and he wouldn’t be waiting in his private quarters like a coward, no, he would be here, in command until the very end.  
He watched the thin white line that was formed by smaller ships ahead. The Rimma Trade Route. He suddenly remembered his father’s bedtime stories on his trading adventures. Stories he had grown to hate like the man himself.  
A sudden beep caught his attention and the memories of his father disappeared as suddenly as they had manifested themselves. His dark eyes shifted and focused on a single blip on the radar of the Supremacy. It was gone as quickly as it had been on there, he narrowed his eyes slightly, letting the knowledge turn into something that resembled hope.

  
  
Ben closed his eyes, opening up to the Force as if it could bring him comfort but instead he found the opposite. He knew he could take on some of them, maybe even most of them. But he couldn’t take on the entire First Order by himself. He’d try and take Hux with him though, and that traitor Bass.

Again his thoughts were disrupted by a sound, this time that of the double doors op the bridge opening with a hissing sound. Ben did not turn, he could already sense the dark and rotten aura of Armitage Hux followed by the sound of a dozen synchronized footsteps.

“Ah Supreme Leader.” Hux’s words were soaked in sarcasm.

Ben did not turn, he didn’t even flinch, he kept his gaze steady on the trade route ahead. His heart did not race, his hands did not tremble, in fact it was as if his body was denying that it wanted to survive at all.  
“Ren!” Hux called out violently.

Still, he kept his back turned toward the traitors behind him as he tried to focus on anything that mattered. The face of his mother, the golden dice of his father, his mind and heart desperately grasping for memories that could keep him company in his time of need. There was a storm raging inside of him yet on the outside he remained a statue. It felt like Ben Solo was trying to claw its way out of Kylo Ren and it hurt more than the betrayal of Hux and Bass ever could.  
“Turn around, Ren.” Hux’s voice was loud but he was no longer yelling.

When Ben still didn’t move he could hear how the troopers repositioned their blasters and switched of their safety switches. He rolled his eyes and closed them for a moment, a strange hint of arrogance building up inside him. He would not die like this. Shot by blasters in the back. No, if he ever wanted to live up to his legacy it would be now. And so, he turned slowly, his arms at his sides as he regarded Hux and his men with careless arrogance. __  
“The time has come, brother.” Bass’s voice was solemn and laced with a strange kind of excitement. Ben balled his fists at the term of endearment that had not been used since their time together at Luke’s Jedi temple and readied himself to go down like a supernova, taking everything in its wake.  
  
  
***  
  
They approached the guards standing by the doors that lead toward the long hall lined with holding cells and Erin wondered if they had come too late. They were unsure if what was left of the New Republic’s commanders was still alive behind those doors but there was only one way to find out. Erin had to fight the urge to attack the guards right away, instead she shot Jessika a quick look before whispering to all of them to trust her as she went ahead and addressed one of the guards directly.  
She tapped into her emotions and the anxiety that was party hers, partly Ben’s, and used it like he thought her to. To make her stronger, to manipulate the Force and the men in front of her into doing what needed to be done. He had always told her that her emotions could fuel her power, that they could be channeled and used to her advantage. Although it was very tempting to simply kill the guards she convinced them they were needed elsewhere instead, turning to watch them walk in the opposite direction to make sure they left. She could see Poe’s masked head cock sideways as he saw her in a new light.     
“Hurry.” She said as she opened the doors and let them through, following them as Jessika mumbled something that sounded like a peculiar compliment.

Poe took off his mask, holding it under his arm as he looked at her in slight awe.

“I had no idea you could do all that.” He said as they rushed by the holding cells, inspecting each one.

“You never asked.” Erin replied curtly as she stood on her toes to peek into one of the cells.

“Here!” Wexley called out.

Erin ran toward the door to the cell and held her hand up to the metal, visualizing the mechanics of the door moving as she tapped into the Force. The door slid open with a quiet hiss and Jessika rushed past her to rush toward a middle aged woman that suddenly sat up straight in her small bed. The woman looked tired and malnourished, but she was alive and that was all that mattered. Erin felt a sudden rush of relief go through her knowing that the people they came to save had not been killed, at least not all of them. Erin moved out of the cell and onto the next as she heard Jessika’s soothing voice reassure the woman that they were getting out of there.

“Where’s the rest?” Wexley demanded as Poe frantically searched the holding cells nearby.  
The woman pointed further down the hall and Poe and Erin ran into the direction the woman had pointed in while Eloi seemed uncertain of where to go. His scared eyes met Erin’s and she nodded in encouragement.

They found two out of three commanders, a man and a woman. The man told them the third man had been killed during interrogations by General Hux not too long ago which made the woman break down in uncontrolled sobs. As Poe tried to calm her down Erin could feel a strange sensation creep up on her from behind. It felt dangerous, lethally so but when she turned there was no one there. Nothing.  
As the seven of them rushed down the hall on their way back to their ship they could tell there was something going on. Stormtroopers sprinted through an adjoined hall, so many of them while the hall they were in was entirely empty. No one was watching them but they were surely moving in on something or someone.

Erin couldn’t shake the feeling of imminent danger and the hairs on the back of her neck rose suddenly as she was overcome with a sudden shock of pain, like someone hitting her in the stomach. She gasped quietly, losing her balance for a moment as she reached out and searched for support from the wall. The feeling was so intense, _so real_ , she had to take a moment to catch her breath. Before she could though, she heard his voice in her mind. Or was it his mind?  
  
_You’ve given everything you had for nothing._ _  
_

“Erin, what’s wrong?” Eloi asked as he stayed behind while the rest rushed, only coming to a halt when realizing Erin wasn’t moving.  
Erin automatically shook her head, but she wasn’t really listening to Eloi. __  
  
_You’ll die a monster._  
  
When she looked up her eyes immediately found Poe’s and the look on his face was one of shock, slowly changing into recognition as he started to shake his head.  
“Erin, no.” he was too far down the hall to hear but she could see him mouth the words as she pressed herself off the wall and straightened her back.  
__  
_You’ll die alone._  
  
She could feel muscles tense and stretch, she felt out of breath even while she wasn’t moving, and she felt so alone. She could sense him as if he was right next to her, they were linked and the Force wasn’t letting them go.  
“Eloi, get them on that ship.”  
Poe stopped let go of the man Wexley and him held up and started to rush toward them.  
“Now!” Erin roared over the protests coming from Eloi. She looked up to glance at Poe one last time.  
“I’m sorry.” She said, truly sorry and sad as she turned and started to run, the sound of him shouting her name echoing through the halls, following her like a ghost.  
  
***  
  
Part of him was relieved the fight had started. This way he could channel his crushing emotions into something he was good at.

The Stormtroopers were no match at all, his lightsaber easily piercing through the weaker parts of their armor. Ben was infuriated to find Hux was nowhere in sight while Bass was on right in front of him, demanding almost all of his attention. Fighting a Force-user like Bass was a challenge but one he spent all his life training for.  They pushed and pulled at each other through the Force and whenever Bass’s axe made contact with Ben’s lightsaber sparks flew across the floor. In between attacks and blocks Ben had to fight off the Stormtroopers gathering at his back and sides. Frantically mowing his weapon around, cutting his way through the unending sea of warriors.    
  
Ben was not unbeatable, he was struck by that realization time after time like he was struck by blaster shots that scarped the surface of his skin by surprise or feet that connected with his knees, abdomen and back. Holding off Bass and the Stormtroopers at once would tire him out eventually and while he wondered what was making him hold on he could sense that something inside him told him to do so just a little while longer. Fighting them was them was the right thing to do, he needed to keep going.  
  
But he was growing tired. The muscles in his arms and legs aching as he lifted his lightsaber again and again. Bass was laughing as he detected weakness in Ben, a roar so loud that it could even be heard over the cries of the dying men all around them. One blow of Bass’s axe to the cross guard of his lightsaber was enough to send him to his knees. Ben sloppily tried to get up but as soon as he got up to one knee he was struck down again, and again, and again.  
“I told you the time has come, brother.” Bass hissed as he pushed his axe further down. Ben fell to his back, holding his lightsaber over his chest, pushing back with all he had left in him through the strength of his arms and his power in the Force.  
“It’s over, Solo.”  
That name. Bass had used it against him even when they were mere Padawan and he was using it now to weaken his mind even further.  
“Just give up…”  
The blade of Bass’s axe was so close to Ben’s face he could feel its heat radiate against his skin. His tired arms were shaking under the weight of Bass, who was leaning into his weapon with his entire body weight and while Ben was growing more and more unsure of how much longer he could hold on he heard commotion from the other side of the bridge. Enough commotion to make Bass look up in confusion, his brow furrowed and his eyes away from Ben’s face. He was distracted enough for Ben to turn the tables as he swiftly moved from under the Knight of Ren and kicked him to the ground. He allowed himself to quickly glance over at what was happening on the other side of the bridge. Before he could see, he _felt_ it. It was her.  
He saw long dark hair, swift movements and aggression mixed with so much emotion she looked like a star that had just exploded. He wanted to look at her like that forever but his attention was quickly drawn to Bass who was crawling back up. Ben moved his lightsaber viciously, holding its hilt in both hands as he brought it down on Bass who blocked it with his weapon in return. Whenever he could he stole glances at her, fighting him but watching _her_ as she quickly fought her way through the troopers taking everything and anything she could find as a weapon. Blasters, the Force, her own body until she finally reached him.  
  
***  
  
_“Ben…”_ she sighed his name, out of breath and covered in a mixture of sweat and blood. He looked different now -older somehow- his face decorated by the slightest of facial hair. His eyes, when meeting hers, revived with newfound hope. He was alive. And for a moment everything that went wrong between them was forgotten as they fell into the familiar dance of taking on their enemy side by side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there Ben. I'm so glad he's back in the game. Let me know what you think of the chapter! I will be updating VERY soon so no worries, much more Ben where that came from.


	9. Saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're back in action. A lot of action actually.

They didn’t speak because they didn’t need to. Erin could feel how tired he was, she was too yet somehow being reunited sparked an energy within them that burned through the fatigue. She felt more alive now -with the very real possibility of dying next to him- than she had in months.  
“Well, well, well…” Bass chuckled at the sight of Erin, which infuriated her even more than his previous actions already had. He straightened his back, allowing Ben and Erin to breathe for just a moment.  
“If it isn’t Kylo’s little pet. I figured the arenas would’ve killed you by now, yet here we are.”  
As he mentioned the arenas Erin could sense a spike of confusion through the Force. She was tempted to say something, anything, to keep Bass from talking but she couldn’t find the words. Instead she took her chances while Bass was distracted, reaching up and out for the weapon that used to belong to the Praetorian guard. She didn’t doubt her ability to use the Force to get it this time and the axe slipped from Bass’s large hand, covering the distance between them through the air swiftly, its handle planted firmly in her palm as she quickly closed her hand around it.  
The gesture snapped Bass out of his little monologue and he was quick to rise a contorted hand toward her, roaring in frustration and effort as he used all his power on her.  
At first the axe started to tremble, shaking in her hand as if he was trying to take it back but when that didn’t work she felt an excruciating pressure on her skull. She lowered the weapon in her hand automatically, wanting to hold onto her head as it started to feel like it could explode. Her vision started to blur, black spots tainting it as she pushed back through the Force in an attempt to resist Bass. The man was strong with a darkness she had not yet dared to tap into.  
The sensation was gone as quickly as it had occurred, sending Erin back, almost losing her balance as she gasped in relief while the black spots that blurred her vision started to fade.  
It had been Ben.  
She watched as his leather covered hand was up in the air, fingers stretching out while his face was tense with immense concentration. Everything around him was frozen in time, Stormtroopers were no longer fighting, blaster bolts were buzzing motionless in the air as Ben pushed even further, forcing the man before them on his knees. The sight of it was terrifying and marvellous both at once.  
Ben moved closer to Bass, taking slow and deliberate steps as his entire body seemed to be cloaked in a darkness that could only be seen by those touched by the Force.  
“The time has come, _brother_.” Ben hissed, and Erin hardly recognized his voice. In fact, she hardly recognized him at all, slivers of amber glowing in his dark eyes.  
She watched as he moved his lightsaber closer to the man’s face, burning the skin of his cheek and she suddenly wanted to stop him.  
“Ben…” she whispered, wanting to move closer but she could feel how she too was unable to move.  
Bass’s face was white, eyes wide with fear and the knowledge that he was going to die and somehow all of it felt so very wrong. Ben’s energy was so cold, so dark that she wondered if he would ever return from it. And just like that, he moved swift and sudden, planting the red burning blade of his lightsaber in Bass’s chest, taking the life out of him.    
Erin pressed her lips together to keep herself from gasping out in shock, part of her could feel Ben’s emotions full of dark determination but another part was still hers and it was afraid of what she had just witnessed.  
The room was quiet except for the buzzing of the blaster bolts still hovering in the air, down the halls of the Supremacy she could hear more troopers coming their way.  
Bass collapsed to the cold floor with a sickening thud. Ben got to one knee and hovered over his body, searching for something in between his robes.  
“Here.” It was the first time he spoke to her.  
Erin raised her hands when he threw something cold and heavy her way, catching it automatically, dropping Bass’s axe to the ground. She studied the object in her hands and saw the black metal hilt of a lightsaber. Erin looked up at Ben questioningly.  
“He’s always had it. He just likes to be dramatic.” His voice was flat, much more like his own but his eyes were still aglow with the slightest hint of amber.    
Erin closed one hand around the hilt of the lightsaber, staring down at it for a moment when she heard yelling from outside of the bridge. She looked back up, quick and with renewed focus.  
“We should go.” She stated and started to walk, feeling a pull at her heart as she passed him but keeping her gaze steady on the door to Hux’s office, expecting him to follow and he did.

 

***  
  
He watched her walk. Holding on to the sight of her like an anchor as he could feel the dark side was still pulling him down. Voices of evil whispering in his mind, the tentacles of darkness slithering through his veins. He focused on the way her hair swayed from side to side over her back. How her skin was warmer now, coloured by the sun. How she looked different but he couldn’t exactly tell how.  
“We have a ship waiting at hangar B-7.” She said as she opened the door to Hux’s office and walked through to the emergency exit she still remembered was there. He followed her quietly, glancing back every once in a while. As soon as they left the bridge he let go of the power he had manifested through the use of the dark side, releasing all chaos behind them as the Stormtroopers were once again able to move. Erin rushed through the door that lead to a surprisingly empty corridor.  
“Who’s we?” he asked, unsure if he wanted the answer.  
Erin didn’t answer, instead she pressed him back against the door, her fingers spread wide across his chest as they hid from passing officers at the end of the hall. He could feel the heat from her skin even through the fabric of his robes. She quickly pulled back her hand and peered around the corner, motioning for him to follow her as she ran and crossed the hall.  
They moved like that through several hallways, in complete silence, hiding every now and then. There was an alarm going off, making the lights in the hallways glow from white to red and Ben  
knew what this meant. Total lockdown.  
“We need to hurry.” He mumbled before spinning his lightsaber in one swift motion while he turned to counter the attack of three stray Stormtroopers that had dared to creep up on them from behind. Ben was thankful for the adrenaline and the distraction because he wasn’t quite sure how to act around her, this way he didn’t have to think about it as he led her down a different hallway and in the direction of hangar B-7.  
When he heard the rushing of a single pair of footsteps he stopped, holding up his hand to signal her to stop as well. He knew she heard and felt the presence too, which was why he was surprised when she passed him and started to run to turn the corner and see who it was. He felt a sudden wave of intense concern as she ran out and into the unknown, that was followed by emotions that weren’t his but just as strong. He rushed after her, turning the corner to find her in an embrace with someone he had only seen through their connected minds before.  
A boy. The boy she saved in the arenas all those years ago.  
“Eloi, what are you doing?” she shook her head, her hands lingering on the boy’s shoulders as she seemed to check if he was okay. The look in her eyes one he could only compare to his mother’s when he was younger. A strange mix of concern and anger.  
The boy in turn only had eyes for Ben. He was staring right at him, eyes as golden as his hair. Ben didn’t move, his lightsaber ablaze at his side and he knew what he must look like to him. But something about the boy was different, he didn’t look at him like any other Resistance fighter would’ve, instead his face cocked to the side in something that looked like curiosity.  
“We need your help.” The boy spoke while staring straight at him. At first Ben was unsure if he was being spoken to or if the boy was addressing Erin instead before he turned to her with panic in his eyes.  
“The Stormtroopers found us. They’re holding them off but I’m not sure how much longer they’ll be able to fight them.”  
Ben looked over his shoulder as the sound of footsteps doomed up on them once more from behind.  
“Where are they now?” was all he asked the boy, suddenly overcome with a strange and strong need to help him. Surely those feelings weren’t his own.  
“The hangar.”  
Before any of them could answer or think of a plan, Erin started to run. Ben stood for a moment, unsure if he should follow. Part of him didn’t want to help her, didn’t want to help her friends who had dedicated themselves to the foolish rebellion his mother had chosen over him but a different part of him knew he should. For several reasons, his own survival being one of them.  
Eloi was running just behind Erin at the end of the hall yet Ben -with his long legs and stamina- had no trouble catching up to them.  
When they got near the hangar Erin slowed down, pushing the boy back behind her protectively as she ignited the lightsaber that had belonged to Bass like it was second nature and he remembered a time where she had saved his life with his. There was something about the glowing red light reflecting from her face that made it harder for him to breathe, Ben swallowed the feeling away quickly, following close behind, the unstable ray of his lightsaber buzzing eagerly.

Erin took the blaster that had been secure fastened to her thigh and pressed it into Eloi’s hands, giving him a reassuring look before peeking around the entrance to the hangar.Ben wanted to stop her, wanted to tell her to wait, but the woman was unstoppable. A feral roar escaping from her lips as she disappeared around the corner and out of sight, quickly followed by the boy who carried himself with the same wild demeanour he had always so admired about her.  
Ben rushed after them almost immediately, driven by adrenaline and something he didn’t quite understand.  
There were more Stormtroopers than he had expected and as he looked up to the control room that overlooked the hangar he could see Armitage Hux looking out at the scene unfolding below. Ben growled low, promising himself he would get to Hux if he had the chance before turning to the fight before him.  
Erin held the lightsaber as if it had always been part of her training, moving quick and effectively through the Stormtroopers and toward a ship where Ben could see Poe Dameron defending himself with a blaster.  
Seeing the man spiked a sudden anger and aggression in him which he gladly took out on the troopers closest to him.  
She was here with _him_. Of course, she was.  
Was she even here for him? Or was she only here for the New Republic commanders he had kept alive for a reason he never fully understood.

He took long aggressive strides toward her, pulling at her arm to make her look at him.  
“Is that why you’re here?” he growled at her. “You’re here to save _them_?”  
Erin frowned, taking the moment to look up at him. What was there in those dark eyes, was it pain?  
“Not now, Ben. We have to get out of here.” She hissed in between strikes.  
He Force hit two stormtroopers out of the way dryly, seemingly effortless as he took her upper arm in his hand again, turning her around a little too harshly.  
“Why are you here, Erin?!” Ben snarled accusingly.  
“Eh guys…” Eloi yelled over the noise of the fight.  
“Why are you here? You left me!” Ben yelled so loud it could be heard throughout the hangar, only letting go of her arm so she could defend herself as he watched, not feeling like helping her.  
Erin took her time to fight off the two troopers closest to her before turning back to Ben, her face suddenly filled with something he had not seen since they had first met. She glared at him with contempt, emitting deep disappointment mixed with an even deeper pain.    
“You SOLD me!” she retorted and turned to move away from him, leaving him intensely confused as she fought her way through her enemies with even more aggression than before.  
“Get to the ship, Eloi! Now!” he heard her yell and knew her well enough to know that she was scared. Moving toward the boy quickly, signalling something at Dameron that Ben couldn’t quite make out.

She moved backward with Eloi behind her, defending him like nothing Ben had ever seen. The two of them fought in strange unison, Eloi’s every move perfectly matching hers even while they were back to back. The boy was a good warrior, maybe even a great one. Ben was surprised to see he used tactics he had once taught Erin as they moved back and toward the ship. Dameron running to meet them, backing them up with blaster shots while someone inside the ship seemed to start the engines. Ben looked up at the control room where he had seen Hux, torn between going after them or with her, even while he was unsure if she still wanted him to.  
He balled his one fist while his other hand closed tightly around the hilt of his weapon, black leather stretching as he could no longer find the general.  
“Ben!”  
Erin’s voice sounded suddenly and to his surprise, clearly alarmed as he looked up and toward where her voice came from. He was quick to turn though when he saw her pointing at something behind him, raising his weapon to block a riot control baton that was brought down on him by strong arms. Red and blue sparks flying all around him. To his surprise Erin was by his side in seconds, screaming as she kicked back the riot control trooper, bringing the red blade of the lightsaber down on his armour before Ben finished him off. As he tried to catch his breath, meeting her gaze with slight gratitude in his eyes, he could sense an unfamiliar spike of shock through the Force. This wasn’t her… He looked over his shoulder, his eyes immediately scanning his surroundings for the boy, knowing something was off, finding him on the ground moving only slightly.

Whatever moved him to do what he did made him run, slide across the hangar floor to avoid another attack and back up to rush toward Eloi before a trooper could strike a lethal blow. Everything went so fast it was as if everything surrounding them was moving in slow motion. Ben could hear himself roar and although he knew that what he was feeling wasn’t entirely his own he didn’t care. He could feel her fear so intensely the burning of it drove him insane. He wanted to end it, her fear and pain and sadness. He wanted to end it so badly that saving the boy was all he could think about. Rage and panic and adrenaline pumping through his veins with an intensity even bigger than the Dark Side had done only moments before as he jumped in front of the boy to take the hit.  
  
***  
  
Erin couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Ben Solo was running, sliding over the floor and fighting his way toward Eloi. Eloi, who she had not even noticed was in danger. Erin ran after Ben, her lungs burning with the effort as she watched him throw his body in front of Eloi’s, the bolt hitting him in between his chest and stomach, sending him back and to the ground, lightsaber falling from his hand and sliding over the smooth metal floor of the hangar.  
Erin didn’t stop moving, her legs almost going too fast for her to stay upright as she raised the Bass’s lightsaber above her head to bring it down to the base of the Stormtroopers neck, where his armour was easily pierced.  When the body dropped at her feet Erin could see how Eloi was crawling back up, blood trickling down his temple.  
“Get to the ship. Now.” Erin’s voice was stern and dark and the boy did not seem to dare to disobey as he rushed toward the safety of the ship.

Erin quickly fell to her knees, relieved to find that although Ben was severely hurt he was still alive.  She moved his arm over her shoulders, grabbed his lightsaber with her other hand and pulled him up clumsily. The man was heavy as he tried to put his feet to the ground.  
“Get up.” She demanded. “Come on, you have to get up.” She said angrily, her emotions on overdrive as she started to guide him toward the ship that was now ready to leave. To her surprise Poe rushed toward them to help, putting Ben’s other arm over his shoulders making it possible for them to run. Pushing and pulling Ben’s large body into the ship as Jessika backed them up with a blaster cannon that wasn’t Resistance property. Erin noticed this was a different ship too, they were stealing a First Order command shuttle.

Poe dropped Ben to the ground as the door closed behind them, rushing to the cockpit to assist Wexley for take-off. Erin fell to her knees under the weight of Ben, her hands trembling as she examined of the wound as best she could while the ship moved back and forth violently. Her hands moved quickly to Ben’s face as he fell into her lap, carefully tapping his cheeks to keep him awake as Eloi sat down on his other side. He didn’t speak, instead he repositioned Ben, so they could hold him down while Poe and Wexley did what they had to break out. There were loud explosions, the lights of the spaceship flickering, the engines protesting and it’s canons going off again and again as Eloi and Erin held onto each other and onto Ben to keep from being tossed around the ship until they could finally hear a roar of victory coming from Poe before they entered hyperspace.    
  
She had really done it.  
  
She saved Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's officially back, Ben Solo/Kylo Ren is back and I couldn't be more excited to get back to writing these two in the same place again. There's so much to figure out!


	10. Killer

“We’re not taking him back.”  
Poe shook his head, his arms crossed firmly over his chest as he spoke to Erin angrily, shaking his head and regarding her in disappointment.  
“The only reason I pulled you two on this ship is because I knew you wouldn’t leave without him.”  
His arms unlocked, and he pointed at her chest now.  
“You jeopardized our mission, Erin. Risking the lives of the entire crew _and_ the people we were supposed to save!”  
He was yelling now, loudly while Jessika and Eloi were moving behind him, taking care of the Republic commanders with the first aid kit Erin had pulled from the First Order shuttle’s supply shaft when no one else could find it. Poe had crept up behind her and had started yelling, it being the first words he had spoken to her since they had escaped the Supremacy.  
“You’re right.” Erin said quietly, perfectly calm because she agreed with him. He really was right.  This caught him slightly off guard, the man was used to fighting her.  
“We can’t risk leading him to the Resistance.” He said, his voice still angry but he was no longer shouting.  
“I agree.” Erin glanced back at the door of the single holding cell on board, through the secured glass she could see Ben, severely injured but conscious as he watched them with narrowed eyes. She knew he could hear them.  
Poe pointed over her shoulder at the door, hissing heatedly as he moved closer to her, so they could speak without being heard.  
“He’s the enemy, Erin. Why should I keep him alive?”  
Erin looked up to meet his eyes, the question wasn’t unreasonable, in fact if she was in his shoes she’d be saying the same. Which was why she couldn’t be angry with him, her voice careful as she answered.  
“He saved Eloi and helped us escape. The First Order is his enemy now as much as it is ours.”   
“He’s dangerous.” Poe retorted. Right again.  
“He’s Leia’s son.”  
This affected him, his eyes softening slightly as he frowned and turned in frustration. Erin knew his their general would always have a special place in his heart. Poe would do anything for the woman’s approval. She had been like a mother to him for a long time now. Something she had never been able to fully give Ben, Erin realized.  
“So, what do you suggest we do?” Poe turned back to her, irritation clearly visible on his face which he rubbed with his hand.   
Erin knew this question would come, and she had been trying to find an answer to it for a while now. Ever since Eloi and her had snuck on board. The solution she had was one she dreaded but seeing that Poe would’t take Ben back to the safety of base camp she knew it was her only option.   
“I can take him to Naboo.” Erin said, suddenly nervous.   
What she meant was she could take him to the one place she once had called home. The place she had avoided ever since her parents were murdered there all those years ago. It was far enough from the busy cities on Naboo to go unnoticed. Poe had seen it before on one of his missions, had seen the house she had been raised in. When he returned he told Erin all about it and had promised to take her there one day when the war was over, she figured that if the house was still there it would at least buy them some time.  
“You want to take him to…” Poe let the sentence linger in the air as Erin took in a shaky breath.   
“I don’t know if it’s still there, Erin.”   
“There’s only one way to find out and right now I don’t see any other option.”  
Behind them Ben collapsed from his seated position, the sound got both of their attention and while Erin felt worried she saw nothing but anger and annoyance on Poe’s face.   
“Fine.” He mumbled, and disappeared in the direction of the cockpit.   
  
  
When she realized no one was going to help her, she rushed to Ben’s side, pulling him up and back onto the narrow bed of the holding cell.  
“Ben?” she whispered as she lifted his feet up and put them down on the uncomfortable mattress. He didn’t respond but he was breathing, and Erin could see the pulsing vein in his neck showing that his heart was still beating steadily. She hurried back to the crew lounge where both commanders were unconscious but comfortable in the crew beds, their wounds tended to as Jessika and Eloi sat at the table quietly.    
“Where are the medpacs?” Erin asked, glancing around to find none of the supplies she had found earlier.  
“We used them.” Jessika said, watching her with disdain clearly visible on her face.    
“All of them?” Erin couldn’t help but sound annoyed.  
Jessika shrugged casually and nodded which made Erin turn to Eloi instead, who had been quiet ever since they escaped. He met her gaze, his face scared and tired and part of him seemed afraid to answer her.   
“Fine. I’ll do it myself then.” Erin growled quietly.  
She stormed through the cabinets and supply shafts hoping to find anything of use only to return to the holding cell with a canteen full of hot water and a clean black cloth.  
Ben was still unconscious, and she took a moment to watch him from the door opening. An angry looking burn covered the right side of his abdomen, reaching up to his chest, blood and torn fabric mixed in a pallet of black and red. His face was covered in sweat and dirt, hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks, his lips impossibly red against his pale face. One step closer and she could see how his chest rose and fell slowly, making him look more human than he ever had.  
It was not the first time she saw him like this.  
Erin moved closer now, putting the canteen and cloth down beside him as she lowered herself to grab a dagger from the side of her boot. She moved the knife closer, tearing at the material of his robes carefully, ridding the wound from any loose fabric. Once she was done she put the knife down, taking the canteen to wet the cloth and dab at his burnt skin. Taking care of his injury like this felt intimate in a way she wasn’t ready for yet. She had seen his bare skin before, touched the muscles she was now trying to save but that was back when he had felt like hers, and she had been his. Now she was somewhere in between, not his and not the Resistance’s. She worked quietly, only realizing she had been crying when a teardrop itched at the tip of her nose. Erin sniffed and wiped the tear away with the back of her hand quickly.   


“Hey…” the gentlest of voices came from the open entrance to the cell and Erin looked up from the burn to see Eloi leaning against the door opening.  
“Can I help?” he glanced back to the others, who weren’t busy but weren’t exactly paying attention to them either. None of them cared about Kylo Ren which meant they didn’t care about Erin at this point either. They weren’t going to help her help their previously biggest enemy.   
Erin felt too tired to protest and nodded slowly. Ben was still out as Eloi approached the both of them, holding out a medpac.  
Erin took it without asking questions, opening it to find there wasn’t much left to use. Her hands rummaged through the pack for a moment, finding a couple of bacta patches. She put them down and reached for the loose fabric of his robes, pulling at it slightly.   
Eloi helped to lift Ben slightly, so she could pull the fabric from under him and was surprisingly gentle when he adjusted Ben’s head after they had put him back down.  
She could feel how he looked at her as she reached into the medpac to find emergency bandages.  
“Are you hurt?” Eloi asked, suddenly sounding much older than his age.  
“I’m fine.” Erin mumbled as she pulled the patch from its package.  
“You don’t look fine.” Eloi said as he took the package from her so she could start with patching up the wound.   
Erin finally looked up.  
“Are you hurt?” she asked, her voice soft and gentle as she studied his face. Eloi shook his head, glancing over at Ben’s wound.   
“I wouldn’t have survived that, would I?” he asked quietly as he helped her adjust another patch carefully. His hands were cold. Erin shook her head.  
“Probably not.”   
They finished treating the last of the wound in silence and when they covered the last part of the burn Erin’s hands lingered on Ben’s stomach for a little longer than necessary before Eloi spoke again.  
“You’re leaving again, aren’t you?”  
Erin met his gaze and noticed how tired he looked, it reminded her of when he was little. She didn’t know what to say, she had promised not to leave him again and here she was breaking the promise just days after she had made it.  
“I’m sorry.”  
Eloi quickly shook his head.   
“Don’t be. I understand.” he smiled the saddest smile.    
“You have to finish your mission and bring him home, right?”  
Erin smiled back softly, nodding as her eyes filled with tears.   
“Right.” She whispered in return.   
  
***  
  
Ben’s eyelids were heavy and so was his head as he woke to a nagging pain. He was staring up at the dark metal and dimmed light panels of a First Order ship and his heart dropped. His thoughts immediately went out to Erin, automatically like they had ever since he had fallen for her months ago, and then to the boy. The boy he tried to save _for her_. Had they not made it out? What happened? He tried to sit up but even moving his head seemed to take all the energy he had. When he did move his head, it was more like it fell to the side, uncomfortably pulling his neck as his eyes scanned the room sluggishly.

She was there.

Propped up against the wall of the holding cell he was in, her head had fallen to the side and her eyes were closed, her hair pulled back, so he could see her face which calmed him immediately. She was holding someone, the boy, who had his head on her lap and her arm draped around him. They were sleeping. He had seen her hold the boy before, in a vision of the past that the Force had shown him when he was in her head. They had been much younger then, but she still held him with the same tenderness. A tenderness that had always surprised Ben, especially when it had been directed towards him. He missed that tenderness and wondered if he would ever be allowed to feel it again as his hands moved to his side, the place where the pain was coming from. He could tell how someone had tended to the wound, sloppily but sufficiently and his eyes moved back to Erin’s face again. Realizing that her tenderness might have never really been gone before drifting off once more.   
  
***  
  
Erin woke to a soft knock on the door opening and when she opened her eyes she could see Poe standing there, watching Eloi sleep in her lap with a fatherly gentleness.  
“We’re almost there.” He told Erin in a whisper and she nodded before glancing down at Eloi, running her fingers through his soft golden hair.  
Poe watched the both of them before turning his head to Ben, refusing to step foot into the room.  
“Is he okay?” he asked, his face earnest as they both watched Eloi sleep. He looked much younger than sixteen with his ancient eyes closed.  
“He will be.”  
“And you?” Poe squatted down now so it was easier to face her, his voice was kind. She realized she always missed that part of him whenever they fought. Erin took a deep breath, resting her head back against the wall as she slowly shook it from side to side.   
“I don’t know.”  
“You don’t have to do this.” Poe whispered, reaching out his hand to run his fingertips over her cheek where Erin now felt a tear. Her eyes closed automatically to the gesture and she longed for more sleep and a bed.   
“You know I do, Poe.” She said as she opened her eyes again.  
“I know.” He said as he considered this for a moment, chewing his lip.  
“Preparing for landing, cap!” Erin and Poe looked up as Wexley’s voice sounded from the cockpit. Poe quickly turned his attention to her again.  
“Just make sure you come back home, okay?” he smiled softly and moved closer, planting a gently kiss on her forehead. “Love you, kid.”  
“Love you too.” She mumbled in reply as he got up and rushed toward the cockpit, still confused by his gentle goodbye.

 

When they got to Naboo it was night time and as the doors opened Erin was overwhelmed by the scents of her youth. She was trembling now, heading out into the unknown first, followed by Poe and Wexley.  
“It should be around here.” Poe mumbled as he passed her and looked around.  
Erin shook her head, her gaze fixed upon the ground as the sound of waves from the beach beyond called to her.  
“It’s right there.” She said as she pointed into the dark.  
They walked a little further, Wexley complaining all the way, to find the remnants of a house not far from the beach yet still covered by the trees. Erin didn’t know where to look or how to feel. She felt how Poe was standing next to her, his arm brushing against her shoulder as she swallowed and looked up at the roof of the home. It was old and part of it had gone up in flames but most of it was still there. The moon cast enough light for them to see it clearly.  
Erin felt how Poe’s hand slipped around hers, squeezing it slightly and she was thankful she wasn’t here alone just yet.  
She recognized the front door although it was now hiding amidst small white flowers. She recognized the front yard where she had clung to her father’s body while her mother screamed behind her. Where he would teach her how to fight with sticks and where her mother would grow flowers and food she had long ago forgotten the taste of.  
“Are you sure about this?” Poe whispered as he moved in closer.  
“I’m sure.” Erin said, suddenly determined to fight the demons from her past as she let go of her hand and pushed the door open to enter her childhood home.  
The smell of it was gone. It just smelled old, like dirt and plants and the faintest hint of salty air. While the kitchen and seating area were a mess, most of the house seemed to have remained untouched. She walked into her old room to find her old toys were still there, her small bed, a pair of shoes that no longer fit her was scattered on the floor. The house was filled with ghosts from the past, yet it felt strange to her. She could feel herself close off from all of it, too tired to feel what she was feeling. She looked up when she heard someone rush in.   
“Poe!” Eloi stood in the door opening, glancing around awkwardly. “Commander Mai is awake and kind of...freaking out.” He added.  
  
  
“What do you think you’re doing here?!” Commander Mai was a tall, thin woman with red hair and a strangely long neck. Erin rushed after Poe to see what all the commotion was about only to find Jessika trying to calm the woman down as she seemed in the middle of a rant, feverishly pointing at something as she made her case.  
Erin felt nauseous as she realized she was talking about the holding cell and Kylo Ren, who was still unconscious in it.  
“He’s a sorcerer and a murderer and he has gotten in all of your heads. He _will_ destroy us all!” she spat, her yelling taking up so much energy she had to now lean on Jessika for support.  
“Commander Mai, calm down. I’m Poe Dameron, I’m with the Resistance. Leia sent us, remember?” Poe held both of his hands up as Erin lingered in the back.   
“What I want to know is why Kylo Ren is on this ship with us?!” she screamed hysterically, and Erin was surprised that even the screams didn’t wake Ben up.  
“Wex, Eloi…get him out of here?” Poe quickly demanded, and both men did what was asked of them, moving Kylo Ren from the holding cell and past the woman who was now sitting down next to Jessika.   
“Kylo Ren won’t be coming with us to the Resistance, Mai.” Poe moved closer to the woman and Erin felt highly uncomfortable for some reason she couldn’t quite explain, keeping her head down as she pressed herself back to the wall, longing to follow after Ben.  
“We have saved you and commander Tebbutt, and we will bring you home. Erin here,” Poe pointed at her and Erin wanted to disappear into the wall. “Is on a Resistance mission that involves Kylo Ren. There’s no need to worry…”  
Poe explained to the woman how this was all according to plan, but the woman’s beady eyes were fixed upon Erin instead.  
“Her?” her long finger was now pointing at her, “Her? She’s a killer! She’s a killer!”   
Erin quickly straightened her back and shook her head, her eyes turning big with surprise.   
“Slow down, now…” Poe tried to calm the woman who had gotten up again.  
“You were on Moar to save him!”   
Erin’s heart sunk, and she swallowed hard, shaking her head although there was no way to deny this.  
“It was you! You killed four of our best men to get him out of there!”  
“I…” Erin couldn’t find the words as Poe quickly turned to face her, his body still toward the woman but his eyes fixed upon her questioningly.   
“Is this true?” he asked, clearly afraid for the answer. All the kindness he had shown her earlier was replaced by utter shock as it dawned on him that this woman had no reason to lie about something like this.    
“Poe, I…”   
“Is it true?!” he roared at her just as Eloi and Wexley returned.   
“He’s in the house...” Wexley said before realizing he was interrupting something.  
"Did you kill four of our allies?"  
All eyes in the room were fixed upon Erin and she could feel her heart beat painfully fast as she could only look at Poe’s face. When she didn’t speak he shook his head, backing up from her, his hands in the air as if he didn’t want anything to do with her.  
“Get out.”  
“Poe..what..?” Eloi sputtered.  
“GET OUT!”  
“Poe, please…” Erin tried, hoping he would listen to her or ask her why she had done what she had done but he didn’t.  
“It’s best if you don’t come back for a while.” He said, his eyes dark as Erin walked backwards, recognizing the damage that betrayal could do to a man because she had seen it before. She quickly turned to Eloi, pulled him in for a hug and whispered how sorry she was and before he could reply she walked outside. Watching as the door closed shut and the ship rose from the ground only to disappear into the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect an update soon! Very soon :)


	11. Awake

The house that used to be her home was dark and although it was warm outside she still felt cold as she walked through the empty rooms.

She found Ben in the room that used to belong to her parents, his large frame spread out across the bed, still unconscious yet somehow, she wasn’t worried about his recovery. He would survive, she was sure of it.  She moved closer, lifting his legs with both hands to gently move his feet onto the mattress that had not been slept on for over fifteen years. She busied herself with taking off his boots, pushing away anything she was really feeling as she focused on the task at hand.  
As she glanced over at his face she noticed a medpac on the nightstand. Erin walked over to the pack and noticed other supplies like a commlink. Her fingertips brushed over the cold metal of the commlink and she knew Eloi had left these things here to help her. Her heart broke, wondering what Poe was going to tell him about her and if he would believe him. She took the commlink and attached it to her belt, opening the medpac to find enough supplies to take care of Ben for at least a few days longer.  
She turned, leaving the supplies by the bed and searched the closets for blankets. When she found them she carefully undid the upper part of Ben’s robes, which she had already cut in half, covering him with the blanket instead. She looked down at his quiet body and sat down on a stool next to the bed. Her hands resting in her lap as she looked around the room, moonlight coming through the windows and painting half of the bed and the floor in silver. She sighed and wondered when she had last felt truly rested. She noticed how her arms and legs were starting to feel sore, how bruises were forming on her ribs, shoulders and knees and she would do anything to just be able to fall asleep.  
  
She roamed the rooms of the empty house searching for anything that would make it feel like home, but with her parents gone it felt as if the building’s spirit was gone too. Erin had not dared to go to the burnt down part of the house, where her mother and father had been killed. The thought alone sent shivers up her spine.  
She had never felt more alone.  
Her parents were gone, her chosen family had told her not to come back and the man she loved had done the unspeakable. Erin had betrayed all of them. She took one of the blankets and walked out to the bench in front of the house, where her mother taught her how to make necklaces out of flowers. Somehow being outside was easier, her past less aggressively present.  Laying down with her gaze fixed up at the stars that shone down through the trees Erin could feel her back ache as she closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath that finally smelled like home.  
She let the scent of it soothe her until she finally fell asleep.  
  
She spent two days like that. Roaming the house and its surroundings during the day to gather anything that might be of use for them to survive out here without help of the Resistance. The days were hot and sunny, a salty breeze coming from the beach beyond.She went for a swim in the mornings, dressing herself in the few clothes that were still left at the house. She was smaller and skinnier than her mother had been, but she couldn’t bare wearing the First Order uniform any longer.  
At night she tried to fix the old generator, but she had not yet succeeded, she had no spare parts and was unfamiliar with old technology. Which meant she had to use old fashioned fire to light the dark rooms while she kept herself busy with making the house liveable.They were running out of the emergency portions Eloi had left them and Erin knew that she would soon have to leave Ben behind to find food and supplies at one of the cities or villages nearby. She had not yet dared to contact Leia, afraid what the woman might think of her after Poe would bring her the news that she had killed at least four of their allies and so she wondered what she would use to pay their supplies with.

Falling asleep was hard and the house was so quiet Erin could hear her inner self as if it was an actual voice. Her mind a mix of memories and emotions, dark thoughts and uncertainty over the future. She used the last of the bacta patches to tend to Ben’s wound again, which was starting to look less angry and painful, the red skin turning into a soft pink while the wound was closing. She used a wet cloth to wipe to clean his skin before patching it back up and headed out to the front of the house again. The bench outside looked welcoming now and Erin started to get used to the sounds of the nights here at Naboo as she lay down and pulled the itchy blanket over her. She listened to the waves crash on the sand and pretended for a moment she was just a child again. A child that had not seen all she had seen and not done all she had done. Erin had not allowed herself to think of her childhood in years but in this place, it was inevitable. She might as well use it to her advantage, falling asleep to the memory of her mother caressing her hair.  
  
  
***  
  


When he woke the first thing he saw was an unfamiliar ceiling, so very different from the steel constructions of a spaceship. No, this was something else. A house…  
Ben pushed himself up and felt his abdomen ache in protest as he felt a blanket slip off of him, revealing bare skin and bacta patches as he glanced down. He glanced around and could see three moons through the large window across the room. He frowned in confusion, noticing an almost empty medpac on the table next to the bed. The air felt hot and heavy and he pushed the blanket from his legs to get up and out of the unknown bed.  
Walking felt a little uneasy and he noticed how he got dizzy after getting up so fast but with support of the wall he recovered and took a moment to examine his body, pulling the patches from his side to reveal a wound that almost seemed to have healed. Ben wondered how long he had been asleep. He knew how he had gotten the injury which suddenly made his memories come rushing back to him. Was he back with the Resistance? Was his mother here? He couldn’t feel her.

Ben’s heart skipped a beat and he could feel cold sweat form on his forehead and his back as he started to rush through the building he was in. It was a family house with outdated furniture and technology which made him think no one had really lived here in a long time. There was no sign of life, no sounds or clutter. There were two more beds in what seemed to be a children’s room and a guest room, both had not been slept in. He felt tired, weakened by the attack that would’ve killed anyone less powerful with the Force, as he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He reached out to his surroundings through the Force, sensing life all around him. Being planetbound was so very different from being in space, there was a lot more happening around him and he was connected through it all by the ever present Force that had been his biggest weakness and strength for all of his life.  
The Force did not betray him this time and through the buzzing warm sensations of animals, water and trees he senses her. He let the feeling guide him, not bothering to cover himself als he walked to what looked like the front door, opened it and walked out.

A quiet summer breeze played with his hair, comfortably cool and filled with the smell of salt and tropical flowers. When he couldn’t find her outside he turned to return to the house, finding her curled up in a blanket on a bench in front of the house. He cocked his head to the side, curious why she was out here when there were plenty of beds to sleep in inside, and he was relieved to see that she was alive and okay.  
Ben moved closer to her, studying their surroundings as he did until he reached her and watched her sleep. The wind pulling at her long wavy hair occasionally, and Ben found himself pushing them back behind her ear as he towered over her. The light of the three moons drenched her in silver and the way it made her skin look like lilac made him think he had seen her like this before.

He looked up and back over his shoulder, suddenly realizing that he _had_ seen her here before, in this light but in a different setting. One at the end of the path that lead to the ocean that was shimmering beyond the trees. They had shared a vision here, a vision where she had looked older and happy and he had been something he wasn’t.

Erin stirred slightly, and Ben pulled his hand back from where it had been, afraid to wake her. He wasn’t exactly sure why. His hand hovered over her shoulder, moving up and along her neck, never touching her skin until it was right over her head. It was so tempting to see what she was dreaming about, to see all that she had done to leave him and everything she had done after. He was about to enter her mind to find the answers he so desperately needed and was overwhelmed with what he found there.  
She was so lonely.  
He could feel all that sadness and wanted to take it away. He reached further, to her most recent memories to find out how they had gotten here and could see a fight between her and the pilot. He quickly pulled back, he didn’t want to see the two of them together, not even if they were fighting. He took a step back, slowing his breath as he watched her. When she stirred once more he rushed inside and back to the room he had woken up in, closing the door behind him quietly.  
  
***  
  
Erin returned to the house after her morning swim and walked in barefoot, her hair dripping down her back as she put the towel she had taken with her on one of the hooks by the door. When she turned she was taken aback to find Ben Solo up and awake in the kitchen area she had just entered.  
He was staring straight at her, chest bare but his wound still covered, and Erin swallowed.  
Her chest heaving slightly as she had to remember herself to keep breathing. Part of her shocked to find him up and another part of her distracted by his appearance. Ben swallowed in turn, breaking the gaze as he looked around as if he was searching for words.  
“You’re awake.” Erin breathed.  
“Where are we?”  
Ben did not seem too bothered that he was only half dressed as he gestured at his surroundings. Erin was suddenly very aware of how her clothes were clinging to her damp skin, but she couldn’t look away from those eyes who now demanded an answer.  
“Naboo.” She answered truthfully.  
Ben pressed his lips together as he contemplated her answer.  
“What happened?” Another demand.  
“You got hurt. I took you here to recover.”  
He shook his head, full lips pursed as he seemed to disagree with her answer.  
“I heard the pilot. I’m here because they don’t want to take me back to the Resistance.”  
Ben’s words came out as an accusation, which bothered Erin and broke the spell he had over her. Could he really blame them?  
“As if you’d want to be taken to the Resistance.”  
She shook her head in sudden annoyance, brushing past him and to the room he had spent the last few days in to return with an old faded shirt and the last vials of bacta, tossing the shirt toward him as she put the vials down on the table next to him with a loud thud.  
“Bottom’s up.” She said with slight sarcasm as she moved herself to the counter of the kitchen, looking out of the large dome-like window to the trees beyond.  
“We run out of portions in a day or so and that’s the last of the bacta we have. The rest of your recovery you’ll have to do without.”  
“It’s best if you stay inside. Since your escape I’m sure the First Order has made sure the entire galaxy knows what you look like.” She started coolly.  
“So, I’m your prisoner?” he asked, his voice deep and laced with something that was similar to dark sarcasm. It stirred something inside her that had been dormant in his absence.  
“I don’t take prisoners.” She countered quickly.  
When she turned to face him again he was wearing the shirt and downing the last vial of bacta like he was back at a party on Canto Bight.  
He put the vial down on the table with aggression similar to her own and looked at her as he crossed his arms, a challenge visible in his dark brown eyes.  
“Why did you come back, _Erin_?”  
He said the name as if it was a lie which he knew it wasn’t and Erin mimicked his posture, leaning back against the counter crossing her arms. He watched her with such intensity that it was hard to figure out what was hiding behind those eyes. He looked different now, not dressed in his usual black and his question made her wonder what the right answer would be. Why did she go back to save him? Did she even know?  
  
***  
  
He had heard her leave early that morning and had waited for her to return. She didn’t notice him at first when she walked in which gave him the opportunity to watch her. She walked in barefoot, her long hair wet, water still dripping from the ends of it down a light shirt that was slightly see through because of it. The rest of her seemed dry enough but the way her clothes clung to her skin here and there proved that she had rushed out of the water to get back here.  
When she turned her eyes looked up at him, first in shock but then they changed into something else, it made his heart skip a beat despite his better judgement.  
They talked but Ben couldn’t make himself ask the questions he really needed answers to, instead he demanded the basic information from her that would tell him where he was and how he had gotten here but it wasn’t enough. She had come back for him and brought him here, where no one else was but her, she had taken care of his wounds and not left him behind while she could, and he needed to know why.  
“Why did you come back, _Erin_?” the question came out more as an accusation than anything else and somehow it felt as if they were back where they had once started. A place with no trust and much judgement.  
“We came back to save the last of the Republic.”  
She said, and he recognized the voice she used because she had used it on him before when they were strangers. Her answer was a lie and he knew she knew it too. Before he could ask another question, she moved quickly toward him and for a moment Ben felt himself hope she would touch him, embrace him, kiss him maybe even.  
She didn’t.  
Instead she moved past him, rushing and Ben reached out to grab her wrist, closing his fingers around it securely as he made her turn around.  
“Why did you leave me?!” he demanded, the words coming out more harshly than he had meant them. The question had been haunting him for so long it was hard to keep it in any longer. She looked confused at first, then her eyes hardened into anger. She pulled her hand from his grip and moved backward, as if she was appalled by his touch.  
“What are you talking about?” she spat.  
“That day when you showed me what you did. I asked you to trust me. Why did you leave?”  
She shook her head now, her eyes damp as she kept taking steps back while Ben tried to take steps toward her. The two of them moving in unison.  
“Don’t.” she said, and he felt so confused it turned into frustration.  
“Tell me.” He said, pulling at her arm just slightly as if he could pull the answer out of her.  
“Why are you doing this?” she said, her voice shaking, and Ben was unsure which emotion was causing it this time.  
“You betrayed me…” Ben explained, half desperate and half mad and Erin suddenly stopped protesting, glaring up at him as she spoke with restrained anger, spitting out each word as if they were meant to physically hurt him.  
“You. _Sold_. Me.”  
Ben let go of her arm, dropping his own to his side as he straightened his back and looked down at her in confusion, he knew she said this before and he didn’t have the time to think about the meaning of her words back then but now that it was just them they sunk in.  
“What?” he uttered quietly.  
“You asked me to trust you…” her voice got louder now, “And I did, Ben. _I really did_.”  
Her eyes filled with tears that refused to fall and he wondered if they were there out of sadness or anger. Before he could reply she continued.  
“The next thing I know, I’m shackled and stunned over and over _and over_ on a shuttle on its way to Tabo-kul.”  
Ben took a step back now as the information hit him like a slap in the face. He knew she was telling the truth, he could see and feel it and it shook him to his core.  
“What I did was unforgivable,” she said quietly, “but I would have never hurt you like that. I would have never killed you. But it turns out there’s nothing you won’t do, _Kylo Ren_.”  
It was the first time she had spoken his chosen name like that and it hurt more than the blaster shot had done. It turned everything inside of him to ice as he stammered out.  
“Erin, I didn’t…”  
She shook her head quickly, visibly fighting tears as she held up her hands, a gesture telling him she didn’t want to hear it. She took in a shaky breath and he could tell she was fighting to stay strong.  
“You’re free now…You can stay here.”  
She finally met his gaze and he could see a wall that was higher than anything he could climb.  
“No one knows about this place. I’ll leave in the morning.”

She didn’t give him a chance to stop her or explain himself, instead she walked away from him, leaving the house knowing he couldn’t follow, and maybe that was for the best.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so glad these two are together again. I have missed writing these characters together so much and I hope you enjoy reading them together in the same place again. I love writing all these conflicting emotions. Let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading. I'm hoping to update again tomorrow or the day after so stay tuned...


	12. Stay

Ben had spent the better part of the day outside on the bench in front of the house despite Erin telling him it was best for him to stay inside. He waited for her there in the beginning, thinking she would return soon enough but when she didn’t he busied himself inside the house with the generator she had not yet been able to fix.   
Tinkering away at the old machine reminded him of a time just before he was made to join Luke at the Jedi temple. Occasionally his father would return home and Ben remembered they only ever didn’t fight when they were busy fixing some broken part of the Millennium Falcon. He had not been particularly good at it, often too impatient while his father seemed to work on the ship with a love and patience Ben had rarely seen directed toward himself.   
Keeping his hands busy kept his mind at ease, for as much as such a thing was possible.

He had expected her to return before nightfall, but when she didn’t he got the blanket she had used to sleep outside and took it inside with him. Sitting at the table in the living quarters of the house waiting unusually patient as the sun disappeared and was replaced by Naboo’s three moons.   
He had repeated her words in his mind over and over, realizing soon enough what it had looked like to her when he had ordered the First Order to destroy Tabo-kul’s arenas. Despite his good intentions he had made her believe he wanted her dead and even though he still felt the pain of her betrayal that was something he would never want. Ever. He understood her reaction now but wished she had given him the chance to explain himself, instead she had disappeared. Ben didn’t like to admit that he was growing worried. Part of him thinking she might be in trouble while the other part feared she had finally left him for real. Did he trust her enough to stay? He wanted to.   
  
When the door clicked and opened Ben sat up straight, full of anticipation, his eyes fixed upon the shape that slipped into the dark house. Her hair was dry now, pulled back at the base of her neck as she pushed a stray lock of hair behind her small ear. Her clothes had dried and when she turned Ben could see that the shirt she was wearing was similar to his and clearly meant for someone much larger. She gasped quietly as she saw him sitting at the table land it was clear to him that she had not expected him there. He got to his feet quickly, stepping away from the table to the middle of the room to demand all of her attention.  
Erin pushed the door closed behind her and leaned against it, her hands pressed firmly to the old wood of the round door behind her. They watched each other in silence, her gaze an accusation while his turned into a frown of frustration. Ben could tell she was breathing unevenly and wondered if she had been running. He wanted to ask her where she had been but somehow the question didn’t feel like his to ask. Instead he blurted out the most meaningless thing he could manage to say.   
“I fixed the generator.”  
He felt stupid standing there, but he didn’t know what else to do or say. When her brows pulled together in a tight frown he knew he had made a mistake.   
“Is that why you’re sitting here in the dark?” she answered, Ben was no stranger to sarcasm yet he was taken aback by her remark just slightly while she managed to brush past him once again, grabbing the blanket he had taken from outside. When she headed back to the door, he knew he wouldn’t get another chance to say what he had been thinking all day.   
“I didn’t.”   
Her hand hovered over the copper coloured doorknob and he could swear he saw it twitch just before she turned.   
“What?” her hostility was buzzing through the Force and Ben felt annoyance build up within him. _She_ was the one who betrayed _him_ , not the other way around.   
“I didn’t sell you.” The words disgusted him. Thinking of selling people for money disgusted him, thinking about selling her went way beyond disgust. The idea made him sick.  He took large steps into her direction, standing directly in front of her, gazing down at her defiantly, daring her to believe him.   
“I didn’t sell you.” He repeated, his voice dropped and became tender. The way he spoke to her when they had still trusted each other unconditionally and he could tell it got to her as her eyes softened and her lips parted. In shock or something else?   
  
***  
  
“I didn’t sell you.” Ben said in his familiar velvet voice that spread a warmth through her chest that she had not felt in months. When she didn’t reply right away his hand moved quick to wrap itself around her wrist, raising her fingertips to his temple.   
“See for yourself.” He whispered huskily.  
Erin shook her head.   
“I don’t want to.”  
Lies. She did want to.   
“Yes. You do.” He hissed low, the sound of it sent a shiver up her spine.  
She shook her head again, unsure of why she was protesting so much. Was she afraid that if he was right she would hate herself even more for what she had done to him? Was she afraid that if she would forgive him he wouldn’t be able to do so in return?   
Ben’s grip around her wrist tightened and Erin dropped the blanket at their feet.  
“Do it.” He nodded once to push her. His gaze never left hers, piercing right through to her soul.   
Erin swallowed and closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath as she let her consciousness brush past his, searching for that faithful night.   
She found him worried and desperate after using his power in the Force to allow her to finally sleep when she had needed it most. Rushing through the halls of the Supremacy to the med bay and his private quarters and on his way to return to her with medicine and food. She started to tremble and could subconsciously feel how Ben’s hand moved over hers and pressed her fingertips to his face. She saw Hux and the fight they had and how the general had made Ben believe Erin had escaped. Ben, freshly wounded by her betrayal just moments before, had believed him.   
Erin wanted to pull back and away from those raw and painful emotions, she wanted to escape from what she had done to him, but Ben wasn’t letting her go. Instead he used their physical closeness and their linked minds to show her more than she was there to see.   
The attack on Tabo-kul.   
Ben had personally made sure all slaves had been released before destroying the arenas, even sacrificing some of his own Stormtroopers to do so. There had been minimal blood spilling, a strategy that had taken days to prepare and sheer recklessness to carry out. And he had done it for her. Like he had promised.   
It was Ben who ended the connection and Erin gasped as he did, looking up into his dark eyes, her hand still pressed to his cheek. His hand dropped down from it and Erin could feel his emotions shift, as if releasing the truth finally made place for his real emotions. It scared her.   
  
***  
  
“I gave you everything.” Ben whispered, his voice broke and he looked down, unable to meet her eyes again. Her hand moved from his cheek impossibly slow, fingertips caressing his skin all the way down to the stubble on his chin only to drop down from there. He wanted more of her touch, more of her, but he didn’t know if he could trust her again. He stood up tall, taking a step back to escape from the spell of her proximity as he glanced sideways, purposefully keeping his eyes from her.   
“You don’t have to sleep outside.” He mumbled, glancing into the empty grey room with narrow mattress and no personal items.   
He listened as she took in a deep and shaky breath, the sound of a very tired and confused sigh as he bent down and grabbed the blanket from the floor to hand it to her. As she took it from him her hands brushed past his and he was forced to look at her again by something bigger than his self-control.   
“Where will you go?” he asked, remembering how she had said she’d leave in the morning.

She looked away, chewing her lip, keeping him from seeing her true emotions even though he knew her well enough to recognize the question made her sad.    
“Doesn’t matter.” She shrugged and they both knew it did matter.   
“Stay.” He said questioningly, and this made her look back up at him. Her almost black eyes filled with surprise and a longing he could not yet reciprocate. The word was small but the question in it bigger than he could deal with. He didn’t trust her, he realized he didn’t even really know her. She had turned into a stranger, but Ben could no longer bear the thought of being alone after knowing what it was like to have someone who cared about you.    
“What?” she breathed.   
“Please…” He added careful and completely terrified.   
  
She nodded, carefully but undeniably so and Ben finally felt like he could breathe again.   


 

 

 


	13. Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, it's been a while. Things have been crazy at my job but I'm back and I couldn't be more excited about it. I was so happy to get back to writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Erin was wide awake in the small bed she knew used to be the guest room when her parents had still been alive. She was staring up at the ceiling which was large and round and had the tiniest crystal skylight in the very top. The crystal broke the moonlight into a thousand pieces, scattering its silver-pinkish light over the dome of the ceiling like stars. Each bedroom had a skylight like this and Erin remembered how she would crawl into bed with her parents when she was little, after she’d have a nightmare, and how her mother would help her count the lights as if they truly were constellations.  
The bed was more comfortable than the bench out in front of the house but the idea of Ben sleeping in the room next to her kept her awake nonetheless.  
  
Ben. Who had not done the terrible things she had believed he had. She closed her eyes and conjured the sight of him rushing to her aid only to find she was gone and replayed the scene over and over in her mind. She knew that deep down she had refused to believe he would do something like that to her but _knowing_ it was different. Knowing it meant she could no longer be angry with him and he had every right to be angry with her. How was she ever going to mend what she had broken?

Sleep came like it always had the past months. Unexpected and restless, filled with dark dreams and bad memories causing Erin to wake up more tired than rested in the morning. But this time she woke to something different. Her body instantly alert as she sat up straight, gasping for air as the sound of crashing mixed with the roaring of a man.

Ben.  
  
Erin rushed out of bed and ran out of her room, barefoot and in her sleeping garments. Her hair wildly floating behind her as she ran toward his room and kicked the door open to find him standing in the middle of it. His red blade buzzing violently as he looked up at her wildly.  
Erin was unsure if he could even see her as the red lightsaber reflected in his dark eyes. He was breathing loud and shakily and his entire body seemed to be shaking. And right there in his eyes was that same amber glow that she had seen on the Supremacy and it scared her more than anything she had ever seen before.  
“Ben…” the name slipped from her lips in a startled whisper.  
The room was a mess, sheets pushed aside aggressively, the nightstand cut in half and the things on it had been thrown around the room. One side of the bed was pushed to the corner and the curtain that had been closed was torn and on the ground.  
The man before her looked terrified and angry, wild and uncontrollable, growling under his breath. Erin stood with her back against the wall, carefully taking a step forward as she held up her hands.  
“It’s me.” She tried quietly, her voice so gentle it was almost a whisper. “You’re okay.”  
They had been here before. In a different world, back on the Supremacy in a bed they had shared together. He had almost killed her then and she knew he would be able to do so now. It was a risk she was willing to take. She had been since she met him.  
“You’re okay…” another step closer.  
He lowered his lightsaber just slightly and Erin took this as a sign.  
“You’re safe.”  
Ben blinked, the anger and aggression and the amber hue in his eyes making way for confusion.  
“You’re on Naboo, with me.” She explained carefully.  
She could tell from the dark spots forming on his shirt that his sudden movements had ripped open his unhealed wound. Erin moved forward still, reaching her hand out to his, his weapon still ignited and pointing toward her. She moved beside it and put her hand on his, gently pushing his hand down and hers around it.  
His gaze suddenly met hers as he seemed to realize where he was, finally awake from whatever nightmare was haunting him. He let her take the weapon from him and Erin quickly threw it to the mattress in the corner of the room. Her hands moving to his arms, which were still spread wide, ready to attack. She ran her hands up his arms and to his shoulders, pressing reassuringly as she spoke.  
“What’s wrong?” she asked as she looked up at him.  
Ben did not meet her eyes, instead his scanned the room in shock. Erin pushed him back slightly, guiding him toward the bed where she helped him sit down as he seemed to catch his breath. His hands clinging to her arms as she tried to move up and away.  
Ben was staring out of the window, at the three moons before looking back up at her. Erin couldn’t help but reach out to his face, his scared, scarred, beautiful face. Her fingertips caressing his cheek like he could break at the very touch. This calmed him and for a moment he closed his eyes and there was a stillness that reassured them both. His skin was as soft as she remembered it but there was something off.  
“You’re burning up…” Erin frowned and put her hand to his forehead. His entire face was hot, as if the blood underneath it was boiling. When he opened his eyes again they had returned to their familiar brown. His voice was husky, the way it always was when he just woke up, and the sound of it made her heart skip a beat.  
“I’m fine.” There was a distance in his words as he suddenly let go of her, as if realizing that what he was doing was wrong.  
Erin shook her head and glanced down at his side where the grey of his shirt was covered in a dark red that appeared black in the moonlight.  
“You’re not fine.” 

***  
  
“You’re not fine.”  
Her voice had regained that familiar stubbornness as she moved to leave the room. Ben felt his heart skip a beat at the sight of it, he did not want her to leave but he wasn’t willing to ask her to stay either.  
He could hear her move and rummage around in the other room and took the moment of privacy to lift his shirt. Grimacing in discomfort as he pressed his fingers to the wound and pulled them back covered in blood.  
Ben sighed, his head low as he tried to shake the darkness that was still creeping up on him. A cold shiver climbing up his spine, reaching the base of his neck to nestle there and whisper thoughts of darkness into his ear. When she returned the whispers were gone.

It was quiet.

Ben let her guide him back into bed, watching as she pushed it back into place with him on it. He watched the way the muscles in her arm tensed up with each push and the way her hair fell down from her shoulders. He watched how her delicate fingers moved to put a cloth in a bowl of water, wringing it out as she sat down next to him and he let all of it calm him down.  
He may not know the woman on the bed next to him, but part of him realized he would recognize her in every life. The ones before and the ones to come.  
She pulled her hair over one shoulder, the way she always did when she tried to concentrate, he _knew_ this. She put the cloth next to the bowl on the bed and turned to reach out to him. He was startled for a moment but didn’t move, frozen as his eyes were fixed upon her. Her hands moved toward the top button of the shirt he was wearing, and she slowly unbuttoned it.  
Ben knew her gestures had nothing to do with desire, yet he couldn’t help but feel it himself each time her fingertips accidentally brushed past his skin.  His heart pounded in his chest and he could swear her hands brushed past his stomach a little longer than necessary as she pushed the fabric of the shirt aside to assess the damage he had done to himself.  
“Where are we?” he asked to distract himself, from her touch and the lingering nightmare.  
“Naboo.” She answered stubbornly but before Ben could ask her again she looked up to meet his eyes.  
“I grew up in this house.”  
Her answer didn’t surprise him yet he still felt the significance of it. She was quick to glance down again as she started to rid his skin of blood gently. He hesitated to ask her another question and when she looked back up he knew she realized this.  
“You can ask me anything. I’ll never lie to you again.” Her voice was solemn and he knew she meant it, he could feel it.  
“Who are you?” the question had been haunting him ever since she had betrayed him. He waited patiently for her to answer as she seemed to consider the question.  
“My name is Erin Anine Kaleo, I was born right here in this room in 8 ABY. I love being planet bound and walking barefoot and I hate the cold and Bantha milk.” She spoke calmly as she worked at the wound, as if she had expected the question for a long time now.  
“Finnhall took me from my parents shortly after my tenth birthday. I first killed a boy when I was fourteen. Eloi and I were rescued by Poe Dameron who introduced us to the Resistance and we’ve been with them ever since.”    
Ben knew most of this from the night she allowed him to see all that she had done to and for him, but hearing it from her was different.  
“I was sent to the First Order after we captured a woman that looked like me. My mission was to get any information that might help the Resistance without getting myself killed. The first eight months were mostly dull, hard work and little information until Hux spotted me during training and asked me to do something for him.”  
She looked up from his skin and briefly met his eyes, which had been staring at the top of her head as he listened to her talk. It was so strange to hear this side of the story, he couldn’t help but feel anger build up inside of him. He knew she could feel it too, yet she didn’t quit. She washed the cloth, wringed it again and continued.  
“So, I did. I took care of his _problems_. It was dirty work and I knew the Resistance would’ve never asked me to do what I did but staying close to him meant staying close to valuable information.”  
Ben scoffed softly, his lips pressed together in slight disgust because not only had she done this to Hux, she had done it to him as well.  
“I hated it. I was scared all the time. Scared of doing bad things, scared of never seeing my friends again.”  
“Scared of me.” Ben chimed in. Her eyes shot up and she did not look away as she answered firmly.  
“Yes.”  
Ben pushed her away, sitting up straight to the wall behind him, refusing more of her help as his hands worked to button up his shirt again. She didn’t protest, instead she watched him closely.  
“When he asked me to kill you I knew it was impossible.”  
“So, you seduced me instead?” Ben got up suddenly, wanting to move away from her because being close to her was too confusing. He walked to the window and looked out and up at the sky.  
“That’s not what I did, and you know it.” He heard her get up and move closer, she was right behind him and he could feel her glaring at him in defiance. He knew she was right, rationally he knew this. But his heart couldn’t forget her betrayal so easily and hearing her part of the story was like listening to a stranger speaking. He wanted back what they had, he wanted his Erin back, but he wasn’t sure that Erin had ever existed. Would this version of the woman he loved even be able to love him back?

***  
  
He was putting up his walls again. Erin could feel it and she couldn’t blame him. She wouldn’t push him any further, she wouldn’t make him do anything he did not want. He was still reeling from the nightmare, they could both sense its dark presence in the room still, and she was making it worse.  
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was soft and broke halfway through the sentence.  
The words made him turn and look down at her over his shoulder.  
“ _I’m so sorry_.”  
Erin looked up at a man that was broken so many times before the cracks were showing constantly. In the sadness of his eyes and the quiver of his lip. He looked _so tired_.  
She walked up to him, pulled by that invisible string the seemed to always be connecting them, and placed her small hands on his chest as she rose to her toes placing the most careful kiss on his cheek. All of it careful and calculated, afraid those walls he was building up would get too high if she would go too fast. She lingered there, just for the briefest of moments, taking in his scent as she could hear his shaky breath in her ear change into something hungry as his walls suddenly crashed down. Her cheek had brushed along his and the contact had triggered something wild in the man.  
Ben’s hands moved around her waist in a rush, pulling her closer so suddenly it took the breath from her lungs. She was startled when his soft warm lips crashed into hers but didn’t hesitate, kissing him back with feverish desire.  
His hands were everywhere as he pushed her back against the wall just a little too harshly, yet the hint of pain was unable to bring her back to her senses. Instead it only heightened them as she opened her mouth to let him in. Her hands moved up his neck, fingertips digging into his skin before reaching his hair, tugging at it impatiently as he consumed her. She sighed against his lips as his hands travelled from her hips, up her sides and cupped her breasts roughly before he dragged his fingertips up along her neck to cup her face. His hands were in her hair now and he kissed her like he had been thirsty for years. He was rough and impatient, wild and passionate and just before Erin lost herself in him completely he pulled back. Gasping for air as he pulled his hands from her like he was repulsed. His hair fell in front of his face as he turned away from her and Erin had to lean back against the wall to keep herself up. She could still feel his hands all over her body as she tried to catch her breath, her heart beating so fast it hurt.  
She swallowed as he looked back at her, the both of them shocked by what had happened. Ben brushed the back of his hand past his lips and stood up straight, his lips shaking as he took in a deep breath. Erin mirrored his actions, taking in a deep breath of her own as she pushed herself from the wall and readied herself to leave. He wasn’t ready to forgive her. He also wasn’t ready to trust her. But he wanted to. He _wanted_ her. And that to her was enough for now.

“You should rest.” She said tenderly, before rushing out of the room and out of the house, seeking refuge at the beach she so loved.  


	14. Steps

The next morning Erin decided it was time to contact the Resistance. She got up quietly while it was still dark outside, relieved to find that the door to Ben’s room was still closed when she slipped into the living quarters and to the old communication station next to the kitchen.  
She was surprised to find that Ben really had found a way to fix the old generator and she wondered where he had learnt to do so.  
Her fingers brushed past the buttons and sliders on the control panel of the communication unit carefully, as if her touch alone could contact the woman she was afraid of speaking to.   
The device was old, but it worked the same as any modern day comm unit, its signal slightly weaker when Erin heard the familiar voice of lieutenant Kaydel Connix. Erin knew that any unfamiliar signal would be picked up by others and not the general herself and she was grateful.  
“This is Kaleo, reporting from Naboo.” Erin spoke quietly, her voice less sure than she had wanted it to be. There was a long silence coming from the other end as Erin sat perfectly still.   
“General Leia’s not available right now.” Connix voice wasn’t exactly unfriendly but the words came out cold nonetheless and Erin’s heart sunk.  
“What about Poe?” Erin asked, her own voice betrayed her by sounding as desperate as she felt.   
Kaydel sighed quietly, a sound filled with a hint of pity.  
“Let me check.”  
Erin waited, not so patiently, until the voice of the woman filled the room once more.  
“He’s _out_.”  
Erin knew what that meant. Poe didn’t want to speak to her and she couldn’t blame him. She looked down at the ground in between her feet, balling her fists and biting her lip to keep in a tired sigh.  
“Alright.” She finally said, swallowing her sadness. “Could you please let Leia know that the situation is under control? There’s no need for her to worry about the safety of our people.”   
“Of course.” Connix replied professionally.   
“And that he’s recovering.”  
“I will let the general know.” Her voice sounded a little more strained now and Erin wondered how much Connix really knew about Kylo Ren.   
“Thank you.” Erin replied, suddenly tired and defeated and even before she could finish her sentence the connection was already broken. She moved a trembling hand to switch off the comm unit and was startled by a voice behind her.

***  
  
Ben had heard the entire conversation as he watched her back change from rigid to slumped. The disappointment and desperation visible in her posture.  
The Resistance wasn’t speaking to her.  
“Don’t take it too personally. My mother tends to keep herself busy.” His voice was drenched in sarcasm as he crossed his arms and leaned against the door opening of the room he slept in.  
Her shoulders stiffened, and she was quick to turn and look at him, every fibre of her being on edge. Like a wild animal, always looking over her shoulder. Ben had felt that way for a long time too.  
“How did you sleep?” she changed the subject and however trivial her question was Ben was glad she did, he did not want to talk about his mother. Not really.  
He shrugged his answer.  
“Thank you for fixing the generator.” Her voice was soft and the words were far from what he had expected her to say. They sounded so _normal_. Things between them had never been _normal_. Things for Ben had never been _normal_.   
He wanted to reply that she was welcome, that he would help her with anything she needed, but the words never left his lips. Instead he pushed himself from the wall and walked further into the living quarters, glancing around as she watched him. He could feel her eyes on him as his eyes were on anything but her in turn. The walls, the dust covering the furniture, ornaments and old technology, toys made out of wood and vases filled with branches and flowers that had long ago died.   
He finally turned to face her and the memory of what happened that night was still fresh, burning in his heart like a flame.   
“What are you going to do with me?”  
He wanted the words to come out tough and fearless, but his voice was too insecure, too broken to do so convincingly. Erin frowned and raised her brows, looking at him intently before answering.   
“Nothing.”  
“Nothing.” He murmured, contemplating the word as he stared down at his hands. A small burn on the back of his hand from the night before, from when he ignited his lightsaber in his sleep.  
“I meant what I said, Ben. You’re free.”  
Ben looked back up at her and shook his head.  
“I’ve never been free.”  
She didn’t say anything, instead she sat by the comm unit, quietly watching him with such tender eyes Ben felt strangely naked.  
“Why did you come back for me?” he asked. He didn’t ask her why she came back at all, but why she came back for _him_. He knew she didn’t just come back to save the others, he had felt it ever since he woke up in this house. It was his turn to watch her intently now, his eyes fixed upon hers. Their gazes had glued themselves together and when she spoke her words were raw and true.  
“Because I love you.”  
Silence.  
“More than anything.”  
Ben stood frozen as she got up and made her way to him. She came to a halt in front of him, close enough for him to see the freckles on her tan nose.  
“I will never give up on you.” She said, a little louder than a whisper and the corners of her lips curled up just slightly in a reassuring gesture.  
Her words were all he had wanted to hear since they had met and yet Ben was scared to believe them. He couldn’t speak, unsure of what words to start with and was grateful when she continued, breaking the silence he was giving her.  
“You don’t have to trust me. I’ll stay as long as it takes to prove it to you.”  
Erin moved closer, just a step but close enough to make him hold his breath as her small hand moved around his which was balled into a tense fist. Her hand was soft and warm and her touch calmed him immediately.   
“What about the Resistance?” he asked, his most dreaded question.   
“What about them?” she met his gaze with confidence.  
“I can’t…” he didn’t finish his sentence, what he wanted to say remained unspoken but somehow the woman in front of him knew exactly what he wanted to say. He wasn’t ready to face them, to face his mother, to turn to the light. She let go of her hand and the only reason this was bearable to him was because both of her hands now moved to cup his face.  
“I’m not asking you to, Ben.”  
Ben glanced down at her lips, feeling tired and defeated as he closed his eyes.   
“I’m not asking you to do anything but heal.”  
Ben sighed while bending his head and he could feel how she rose to the tip of her toes, her warm lips pressed to his forehead and he allowed her to do so.  
“I’ll be here.”

And in that moment Ben gave in to his emotions, moving his arms around her small waist as he buried his face in the curve of her neck, pulling her close. He wasn’t crying even though he felt like he would, instead he took in a deep breath filled with the scent of her skin. His eyes closed as he felt like collapsing into her but she held the weight of both of them somehow. Erin didn’t speak, instead she ran her fingers through his hair soothingly, simply holding him. Ben was trembling, suddenly scared he didn’t deserve any of this. She continued to hold him until he was ready to pull back, his hands lingering on her hips before he let go of her entirely.  
“I’ll go get us some food and supplies. Is there anything you need?”  
Ben shook his head, all he needed was right in this house, he just needed to learn how to let it in.

 

***  
  
Erin had not felt more like herself than she had that day walking from the house to the village beyond. She still had a long way to go with Ben but the moments back at the house had given her enough hope to hold on for the future. She had meant what she had said, she would wait for him. She would be patient, she would stay right here with him. She was unsure what she was waiting for but she was sure that they could figure it out. _Together_.

The village had turned into something similar to a small city, with enough people for her to blend into. She hardly recognized any part of it from her childhood and she wondered if the trauma of her past had made her forget or if the town had really changed this much.

She was quick to return to the house, looking over her shoulder every so often to make sure she wasn’t being followed. She knew that Kylo Ren would not have been easily recognized across the galaxy in the past since he had hidden behind his mask for most of his time with the First Order, but those times had changed. The First Order was no doubt looking for him, making sure he wouldn’t be safe anywhere in the galaxy. When she was absolutely sure that she was alone, she rushed up to the house and made her way inside, anxious to get back to Ben as quickly as she could.  
Erin carefully put the supplies and food down on the large round table in the middle of the living quarters and smiled softly as the skylight above it made the sunlight shining through paint the room in pastel colours. The house was quiet, but she could sense him immediately, through the Force and with her intuition as she turned to see him spread out across the dusty sofa by the dome like windows across the room. The sofa was big but looked tiny compared to him. At first the sight of him sleeping filled her with such tenderness she could barely contain it, but as she watched him closer she grew concerned.  
His face looked tense, featured pulled together in a dark grimace and she quickly noticed how his hands were balled into tight fists and how sweat was making his forehead shimmer. His dark hair sticking to the side of his face as he groaned and shifted uncomfortably. He was having a nightmare again. Erin dropped the bag of clothes she had been carrying and carefully sat down beside him. Her hands hovered over his arms for a moment, unsure if it was wise to wake him up like this but she decided to give it a try anyway, against her better judgement.  
Erin shook him, calling out his name gently as her hands pushed against his shoulders lightly.  
“Ben, you’re okay. Wake up.”  
He was quick to listen, and he shot up so quickly Erin would’ve fallen backward from the sofa if it wasn’t for his hands firmly grasping her upper arms, pinning her against the sofa violently. His face contorted in rage and his breathing wild.  
“Ben!” Erin roared, both angry and shaken and it took the man several seconds to realize he was awake. The same slivers of amber disappeared from his eyes as she looked into them and Erin used his moment of confusion to push him back and turn the tables. Pinning him to the sofa gently, forcing him to look at her.  
“It’s me.”  
He nodded slowly, as if only now realizing who she was.  
“You were having a nightmare again.”  
Another nod as she released him carefully, he looked at her and frowned and Erin rubbed her arms, sure they would bruise where he had grabbed her.  
“Sorry.” He said curtly.  
“Are you okay? You seem…” Different, she wanted to say.  
“I’m fine.” He mumbled as he got up quickly, straightening his shirt and rushing to the bag she had dropped to pick it up and busy himself. Erin turned to watch him, his broad shoulders tense as he put the bag on the table with the other supplies.  
“How did you get all this?”  
Erin knew he was changing the subject because he really wasn’t fine, but she allowed it.  
“Are you a thief too?” he turned, and Erin could swear there was a hint of a grin playing around his lips as she moved in closer to start to unpack the supplies. She knew he was joking, but there was a sense of suspicion to his question that made her heart ache.    
“Not today.” She answered in the same semi-playful tone. “I used one of my many identities to access Resistance credits.”  
One joke too far.  
Ben’s jaw tensed, and his face seemed a shade lighter as his hands tightened around a piece of fruit. He looked like he was ready to strangle it.  
“Sorry.” She mumbled quickly.  
“No need.” Ben replied coldly as he put down the fruit with such restraint it made a chill run up Erin’s spine.  
“Ben…”  
And with a shake of his head he stormed off, closing the door to his room with a bang.

Erin closed her eyes and sighed.

One step forward, two steps back…


	15. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Our poor emotionally challenged babies are having a hard time dealing with each other and their feelings while I'm enjoying writing a few of these slower chapters after all the adventures we've been through! But things are about to change very very soon, so hang in there! Let me know what you guys think and thank you so much for reading.

Ben hid in his room for the rest of the day. Erin only heard him come out that night, rummaging through the kitchen, no doubt in a search for food, and part of her felt angry.  
He treated her like a traitor and while she knew she had betrayed him, he himself had done things far worse in the past and she had forgiven him the moment she fell in love with him. Why couldn’t he do the same for her? She knew the answer to that question and it instantly made her feel guilty for her own emotions. She remembered a time where emotions were a luxury she couldn’t afford and suddenly felt herself longing back to her time at the First Order, where the struggle to survive suddenly seemed easier than dealing with the things she was dealing with right now. At least survival was something evident, you either survived or you didn’t and trying to do so kept her busy. This…conversation and emotional struggle, this was hard.

 When day broke Erin was in a rush to get out of the house like she was each morning. She started her day with her run to and along the beach, tiring herself out just enough to keep her mind quiet ending the run with stripping to her undergarments and diving into the sea. The water was wilder today, waves crashing on the beach, swaying her around in the water soothingly. When her thoughts crept up on her again, she started to swim, along the beach, defying the waves until her arms ached. From here she could see the city far beyond at the shoreline. Dots in the sky coming and going at every hour of the day and night. She scanned the cliffs dressed in green and waterfalls, the hills covered in jungle like woods until her eyes reached the beach again to see him standing there.  
Erin’s heart skipped a beat.  
The wind was playing with Ben’s dark hair, tugging at his grey cotton shirt. He stood still, watching her or the water, she wasn’t sure, squinting his eyes in the hot sunlight. She had never seen him like this, on a planet so lush and alive, it somehow suited him.  
Her arms protested as she swam back to the beach, her legs tired as her feet found the sand beneath them again. She wasn’t ashamed or shy that her clothes were at his feet instead of on her body. He had seen her before. No, she was annoyed with him for endangering himself like this and awestruck at the sight of him dressed in other than black, all of him bathing in sunlight. This was a different man than the one she had come to love, but one she was head over heels with instantly as she strode from the water to meet him.

***  
  
Sleep was his enemy. That and boredom. Both made the ghosts of his past creep up on him, haunting and taunting him until he felt like he was going mad. And maybe he was. Whenever he was with her he felt lighter, whenever she was gone the darkness that had always been his refuge now swallowed him whole making him think unthinkable thoughts that didn’t feel like him at all. Dark visions and voices of death and destruction just like the ones that had haunted him from childhood.  
  
Erin wasn’t in the house, he knew this as soon as he had woken up and although her joke had upset him, he longed to see her. Hear her busy and present in this now empty house. Instead he heard the distorted noise of a com unit and a signal struggling to come through.  
_“E, are you there?”_  
Ben got up, inspected the almost healed wound at his side before pulling a clean shirt over his head to head to the living quarters. Sunlight broke through the glass in the ceiling, painting the room in colours as the unit buzzed again.  
_“I’m not supposed to contact you, but I just want to know if you’re okay.”_  
Ben recognized the voice. It was the boy. The boy he saved back at the Supremacy.  
_“Please, are you there?”_  
Ben stood in the room, watching the light on the unit blink, approaching it warily as if the boy on the other side could somehow feel he was listening.  
_“I miss you.”_  
Ben recognized that tone because he had used it on his mother so many times before. A voice filled with longing, desperate for attention and someone who felt like home. Someone who felt safe.  
_“I hope you’re okay.”_  
Ben was so close to grabbing the comm link and replying but what would he even say? Was it even his place to reply?  
_“If you hear this…I’m not mad at you, I know Poe is but I’m not. Please, just come home.”_  
Ben stood right next to the unit now and before the light in him persuaded him to do something he wasn’t ready for, he quickly switched the device off.

He found her at the beach. In the sea to be exact. He didn’t even know she knew how to swim but somehow this did not surprise him. She looked like she belonged there, among the wildness of the waves. He knew what she was doing as he watched her swim, he had watched her do it before, she was running. Just like he was. She was running from her feelings like he was running from his dreams. The sun was bright, and he had to squint to be able to keep his eyes on her as the wind made his hair blow wildly around his head. It was hot outside, hotter than it had been inside of the house and Ben could already feel the sun burn his skin. He walked up to the small pile of clothes that stood out against the white sand and stopped there, watching as he saw how she noticed him.  
She strode from the water and his lips parted, he didn’t hide the fact that he was staring at her, he never had. His eyes were glued on her, on the way the water travelled down her skin, how some scars had turned a different shade, how her hips swayed ever so slightly from side to side as she moved. Her hair was wet and sleek, making her dark eyes seem larger somehow, framed by black wet lashes like a painting. Ben clenched his jaw, swallowing as his fists balled and he understood that if she ever tried to betray him again, he would fall for it all over and willingly. He bent down to pick up the shirt at his feet, readying himself to hand it to her.  
As she walked up to him, he noticed she had grown annoyed. With him. Compared to her tenderness from the day before this emotion felt familiar and safe, she had been annoyed with him many times before and he knew how to react to this.  
“What are you doing outside?” she hissed as she pulled the shirt from his hands roughly, patting her face dry, not at all phased by the fact that she was almost naked before him.  
“I came to find you.” Ben stated.  
This seemed to take away some of her annoyance and her face softened.  
“You shouldn’t be out here like this, it’s dangerous.”  
“I can take care of myself.” Ben countered with his own slight annoyance.  
“Oh yes, we’ve seen how well that has worked out for you.”  
There it was again, that hint of a smirk as she was quick to pick up the rest of her clothes and brushed past him. Ben, in turn, was quick to follow her.  
“Careful there, A-” he choked on the name that had formerly been hers but decided to continue.  
“You’re usually the one taking bullets, though.” He murmured as he reluctantly watched her pull the shirt over her head taking by surprise by the sound of a chuckle coming from her.  
“Usually.” She replied.

Ben took two large steps to catch up and glanced down at her as she hopped into her pants, which were loose and short.  
“The boy tried to contact you.” He suddenly said solemnly.  
He knew what the boy meant to her, he had heard it in her stories and saw it in her memories.  
“Eloi?”  
Ben nodded and noticed how her eyes turned big and excited, like a child’s. Her step a little faster now, even though they were walking through the sand.  
“He forgives you.”  
“What?” Erin turned around to face him, visibly confused.  
“He said he misses you, that the pilot is angry with you, but he isn’t and that he hopes you’re okay.”  
“You spoke to him?”  
“I heard him through the com unit.” Ben started walking again, back to the house like she asked him to. “He wants you to come home.”  
Erin glanced down at her bare feet as they moved from the beach to the nearby trees, the shadows of the trees dancing over her tan skin.  
“Yeah, well. I can’t.”  
“Because of me?”  
“Because of what I did.”  
“To save me.”  
She looked up now, realizing that Ben was blaming himself for her distress.  
“To do my job. Poe doesn’t understand that war comes with real consequences, you can’t just be a hero all the time.”  
She rolled her eyes and Ben felt a spark of jealousy at the mention of his name. He remained quiet for a few steps, until she seemed to notice his silence.  
“What?” she asked, that same familiar defiance in her eyes and voice.  
“Do you love him?” Ben asked, the question had been burning in his mind ever since he had seen the two of them fight over what to do with him back at the ship they escaped the Supremacy in.  
“Eloi? Of course, he’s like my brother. You know that.”  
Did she avoid the question or did she really misunderstand? Ben shook his head.  
“Poe Dameron, the pilot, do you love him?”  
She stopped walking now, turning to face him and the two of them stood in between the trees, staring at each other. She had promised him he could ask her anything and she would be honest. He needed her honesty now.  
“Yes.”    
The word came out loud and clear and confident and hit him like a slap in the face. She must’ve seen it because she continued patiently.  
“He’s my best friend. He’s family.”  
“Did anything ever happen between you?”  
He watched as she sighed, answering the question with the same brutal honesty.  
“Yes.”  
Ben felt jealousy flare up, blazing feverishly within him as he balled his fists, pressing his lips together as his jaw tightened. Strangely enough the sensation made him see her in a different light, like she was his and he wanted her to be.    
“Before I left for the First Order. One kiss.”  
“And you never wondered…” he didn’t finish the sentence.    
“I did.” She shrugged, and Ben had to fight to restrain his emotions, only doing so because he could tell she was terrified of opening up to him like this. “And then I met you.”  
His most dreaded questions had been answered and he was still here with her, she had not left, she had not forsaken him. They were still here and she still chose him, this woman who was not just darkness and aggression but light and kindness and the rebellion against all he had believed in for most of his life. This woman was the same woman he had fallen in love with, and she still loved him back. Although Ben was angry and jealous at the man she called her best friend, knowing she was desirable to others only made him want her more. Want her completely, despite her betrayal and in that moment he realized he had to forgive her.  
Ben was still trying to take in this new information when Erin’s body suddenly grew tense, she rushed up to him and grabbed a hold of his hand, pulling him after her.  
“Act normal.”  
“What?”  
Act normal? Ben hardly knew what that word meant. He glanced down at their joined hands, listening carefully as he heard someone not far off. Why did he not take his weapon with him?  
As their hands touched Ben could sense the anxiety within Erin, she was scared for him.  
Ben continued to walk alongside her and for a moment he could get used to the idea of strolling the woods with her like this. It didn’t take them long to run into the person who had interrupted their conversation so brutally with their presence. It was a man, carrying large baskets filled with rolls of fabric. He was about the age his father had been when he had last seen him and smiled at the both of them as Ben awkwardly tried to keep his gaze down.  
“Oh, hello there. Didn’t expect to run into someone all the way out here.” The man greeted them cheerfully, taking in the both of them. Ben could feel something shift within Erin, a new energy like a vibrant buzz in the Force and while Ben wanted to kill the threat that was in front of them and be done with it Erin clearly had different ways. Ways he had witnessed before.  
“Oh, good day sir,” she said in fake surprise, sending a shiver up Ben’s spine. “could you maybe point us in the direction of the Huron market? I’m afraid we’re lost.”  
The man smiled warmly at her, making Ben squeeze her hand once more in jealousy which made Erin cling to his arm in turn.  
“Why yes, of course, dear.” The man winked and moved in closer, he looked up and tried to make eye contact with Ben who tried to avoid this at all cost. He felt Erin tug at his arm just slightly, forcing him to greet the man with an awkward nod.  
“See, my husband said it was this way, but I thought it was that way.”  
Ben was surprised at how good she was at talking like a normal human.  
“We should…” Ben leaned in and started to mumble but Erin wouldn’t let him finish, turning to the man who was more than pleased to explain to her where the market was located, every now and then shooting Ben a sceptical look. Ben felt himself grow more impatient, darkness growing inside of him as the man kept trying to see his face while at the same time shamelessly eyeing the woman at his arm. Erin was no doubt restraining him, holding onto his arm so he wouldn't do anything stupid because Ben knew he wanted to.  
“See, _my love_. I was right.” Erin smiled up at him and although he knew she was playing a role he couldn’t help but feel seduced to return the favour, only smiling with his eyes because he had long ago forgotten how to do so with his lips. He wanted to deserve that smile of her, he wanted to see it every day. He also wanted to invade the man's mind and find out who he was and what he was doing here, possibly hurting him in the process but he knew Erin wanted him to trust her. To trust that she would take care of this.   
“Thank you so much, sir.”  
Ben watched her every move now as he felt power surge through the Force like electricity, awestruck at how it manifested itself in her. She didn’t look at him, her gaze fixed upon the middle-aged man in front of her, her right hand on his forearm as she made him look at her in return. Her voice was low and warm, almost hypnotizing.  
“You will forget you ever saw anyone on your way through these woods.”    
The man nodded, looking dazed as if sleepwalking as he turned, still nodding, and started to wander off. He seemed to want to look back for a moment but changed his mind and kept walking straight through the woods in the direction of the beach they had just left.  
Ben felt how Erin let go of his arm, which suddenly felt useless without her touch, and started walking back to the house, shaking her head from side to side.  
“I told you it’s best for you to stay inside.”

***  
  
It was only at night that they spoke again. While the three moons set over the night sky and Erin put the last of their food rations on a plate and carried it out to the table in the middle of the room. Ben was the first to speak as Erin sat down and he stood next to her.  
“I can’t hide in this house forever.”  
He said, and the words came out as if he had been holding his breath.  
“I know.” Erin replied softly.  
“I don’t want to.”  
“I know.”  
“I was trying to fix things…”  
Erin shifted in her seat, so she could easily face him, looking up at him as she sighed, reaching for his hands and when he didn’t pull back, she took them in hers.  
“The darkness, it’s still there.” He said, and the words sounded like an apology.  
“I know.” she replied kindly.  
When he seemed to register that that darkness wasn’t pushing her away, he continued, opening up even more. She could see it in his eyes and feel it through the Force. There was no resentment there anymore, no hatred or suspicion. Just forgiveness.  
“I don’t know where to go from here.” He looked down at their hands, turning them so hers were in his now as he moved slow to kneel down in front of her, looking up at her with begging eyes.  
“Will you help me?”  
Erin couldn’t speak, afraid she’d do something to ruin the moment, so she nodded quickly instead, watching his features soften in relief as he looked up at her with eyes that seemed brand new. Filled with hope and light and something that resembled _joy_.  
“Thank you.” He sighed, moving his hand up to cup her face. Erin closed her eyes and leaned in to his touch, sensing nothing but warmth and support from his hand and his emotions as she was started to feel his lips pressed softly against hers. They lingered there for a moment before Ben deepened the kiss hungrily, but not like he used to. No this was different, this was soft and tender and when he pulled back his face seemed younger as all darkness had left it.  
Leaving nothing but _light_.  
  
Even if just for a moment.


	16. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys deserved this chapter for sticking with these lovebirds for as long as you have. A little bit of (hot) happiness.

They sat and ate the last of their food rations and some of the fruit Erin had gotten from the town market the day before and had their first normal conversation. A conversation that resembled some of the ones they had back at the Supremacy, at night when the comfort of the dark made it easier to speak but those conversations had been about war and tactics. This was different. They spoke about Ben’s time with Luke, about how he had read actual books and travelled the galaxy as a young Padawan. He spoke about where he was born and how he once pulled off an arm of one of his mother’s servant droids by accident. Or maybe just a little bit on purpose. Erin spoke of stick fights with her father out in front of the house and how she was still trying to figure out exactly when Eloi had grown up because he had gotten stronger than her and had beaten her in a fight now.

“You train them.” Ben stated, watching closely as Erin washed their plates by hand. When she was little her parents had a droid to do this type of work, now that the house was empty except for the two of them Erin found comfort in the chores.

She raised her brow and looked up at him for just a moment, noticing how Ben was studying some of the food supplies she had gotten which were now on the kitchen counter.

“The young ones. I’ve seen you do it.”

Erin paused for a moment and grinned quietly.

“I knew it.”

“What?” Ben asked, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

“I lost to him that day because I felt you, through the Force.”   
“I’m sure _that’s_ why...” Ben hummed softly, and Erin realized he was teasing her, which made her laugh in return. Something she thought she would never do around him and although the laughter was soft, the sound filled the quiet room and startled Erin, suddenly serious while Ben watched her with newfound wonder. She turned and leaned back against the marble edge of the counter, looking up at this new man in equal marvel.    
“I’ve never seen you laugh.” He said, his voice deep and husky as he towered over her.

“Only in my dreams.” Erin countered defiantly, remembering very well the first time Ben had probed her mind while she had been unaware, entering a memory of joy and victory she had not wished to share with him back then.

“And in mine.” He answered ever so smooth, once again surprising her. Ben _did_ have a way with words if he wanted to, especially with bringing them in all honesty.

Erin’s legs felt weak, her heart beating faster than she liked it to and she had to break eye contact not to cave to her desires. He was making progress, she wouldn’t push her luck. Instead she looked down at her feet, which were still bare.

“I train them so they’re not defenceless. It also provides them with a way to blow off steam.” She continued her chores, putting the plates back up where they belonged while Ben’s eyes remained fixed upon her.

“You’re scared for them.” Ben stated, no doubt picking up on her emotions through the Force.   
Erin nodded slowly, drying her hands before finishing up in the kitchen. She sighed softly, biting her lip as she replied.   
“The war is different on the other side.”   
She expected him to disagree, to tell her she was wrong or to talk badly about the Resistance but instead he was silent. His full lips pressed together and his eyes sad and he nodded slowly as if he understood.   
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, and Erin knew the words were true.   
  
***  
  
The dark side did not allow you to turn your back on it easily. Ben Solo was starting to learn this the hard way.

  
_The shadowy tendrils of the dark side found him each night and pulled him down deep into restless dreams of his wrongdoings in the past and the possible horrors of the future. Welcoming him home like an old friend, deceivingly comfortable and easy. Most of his dreams showed his father, asking him to come, to turn back to the light that had once surrounded him as much as the darkness now did, asking him to forgive him. All of those dreams ended with Ben piercing his father’s heart with the red blazing blade of his lightsaber only this time it was different. This time the blade was bright and blue and buzzing violently, planted in the bosom of a woman who collapsed in his arms. Ben watched the limp body, his eyes moving slowly upward, afraid of what he would find._  
Her face was beautiful even in death.   
Ben screamed at the top of his lungs but there was no sound. He dropped his weapon to the ground and sunk to his knees, cradling the love of his life in the blue light that seemed to bring him no more peace than the vivid red had done. His hand was pressed to the hole in her chest, trembling uncontrollably as dark voices and laughter haunted him. Voices of forces much darker, much stronger than him telling him that this was what was waiting for him if he ever chose to forsake them. If he chose the light, running from his true destiny like the weak and cowardice boy he had always been. He shook his head, pressing his hand harder against the wound, mustering all his concentration and strength in the Force to do the impossible, tapping into that darkness to give him the strength he needed to bring her back. Back from what he had done.    
  


Ben woke bathing in sweat. Sitting up straight in bed, thankful his lightsaber was nowhere near this time, panting as he was still fighting to leave the nightmare behind. He noticed something wet on his hand. The hand he had pressed against Erin’s impaled chest in his dream and noticed blood. He glanced down to see that his wound was once again bleeding, fresh scars ripped only slightly but enough to mark the sheets with red.   
As the sweat on his back turned cold Ben got up and out of bed, trembling as the images from his dream kept repeating over and over in his mind. He needed to see her, needed to know she was alright. He wiped the blood from his stomach quickly, pressing a cloth to the ripped skin as blotches of blood started to form once more. Looking out at the moons in the sky, Ben swallowed and tried to slow his breathing, using a technique he had been taught as a child, counting the seconds as he took in a deep breath and again as he let the air out through his mouth. Counting, again and again in his head. His breathing calmed but his heart nor his mind would do so.   
Ben was quiet as he left the room and walked over to the closed door of her room. He rested his hand against the old wood, pressing his forehead against the door as he took in a deep breath and focused on the woman beyond. She was asleep. She was safe. But sensing it through the Force wasn’t enough, he needed to see her. What had happened between them today had made him realize he had forgiven her the moment she came to save him. But the closer he got to her during the day, the further the dark tried to pull him from her during the night. In the darkness of his dreams he lost everything he ever loved over and over again, his father, his mother, Luke, Erin and Ben Solo.   
Still swallowed by that darkness he opened the door to find her behind it, sleeping seemingly peacefully with soothed him instantly. Her body seemed small in a bed meant for two.   
She was laying on her side, sheets draped over her hips, leaving her arms bare. Ben moved closer as quietly as possible, watching her breathe, his eyes trailing down her spine as far as the dip in her top allowed him to go. As that invisible string that seemed to always connect them started to pull at his heart he moved forward, following his instincts, slipping under the sheets next to her.   
He watched her for a moment longer, his hand hovering just over her arm, fingertips aching to touch her. Ben moved to press his lips to her shoulder, deliberately trailing down her arm, peppering her skin with slow kisses, grateful that she was alive in this bed, right next to him.   
  
***  
  
She woke to a touch and tensed immediately, a habit from the past as she felt a warm hand on her skin, reassuringly squeezing her arm followed by a soft shushing sound. Hot breath made the skin on her arms rise and she turned to find Ben Solo in her bed. Hovering just over her shoulder, watching her intently.   
Ben did not speak, instead his lips brushed past her shoulder and up her neck and Erin turned to raise her hand and cup his face to make him look at her. She was confused yet intoxicated, startled yet pleasantly surprised. His body was pressed against hers, hot and sticky and trembling and when he looked at her in silence and the slightest hint of guilt, she saw his eyes.   
Slivers of amber that did not belong there, burning within the familiar brown.   
“Ben…” she wanted to ask if he was alright, she wanted to ask him what was wrong, what _had been_ wrong with him and why his eyes were spiked with flames like that but Ben was quick to press his lips on hers with a hunger she could not resist. She reciprocated his need for closeness, moving her hands up and in his hair as she deepened the kiss. Opening up to the Force happened naturally as they both let their guards down and what she felt there was strange. She was used to the familiar mixture of fear and agony constantly fuelled by an intense anger but this time it was the other way around. The anger was stronger, darker than she had felt before and fuelled by such intense desperation it made her catch her breath against his lips. Ben moved forward, trying to kiss her again but she pushed him back gently.   
Erin was fully aware he was a grown man and more powerful than she would ever be but she was overcome by such compassion she took the risk of using her power in the Force on him, hoping he’d allow her to help him.

“It’s okay…” she whispered, taking his face in her hands as he hovered over hers. She pushed back the stray locks of hair and looked into his eyes.

“It’s okay.” She repeated and when she saw his brow relax ever so slightly, she knew it was okay to push further. She had no idea if this would work, if it was even possible to manipulate another Force sensitive being but she would do anything to take the pain from him.    
“You’re okay, my love.” She whispered tenderly, willing Ben to release his pain and give into the mind trick. The hints of yellow and orange faded, like embers that lost their heat, returning to that familiar beautiful brown. The man relaxed in her arms, the only hint of tension in the way his hands eagerly clawed at the fabric of the clothes on her body. Desperate for his skin on hers. Ben dipped his head and buried his face in her neck, pressing his nose in her skin.

“You’re okay…” she repeated as a sense of calm came over her, caressing his hair as she listened to his breath turn from ragged to deep and slow.   
Erin closed her eyes for a moment, focusing on calming both her own and Ben’s emotions, unsure of how she was doing it but knowing it was all that was important in this moment. The anger faded, like darkness before the sun and the entire room felt lighter before a new tension started burning within Ben. Just as hungry and hot as the darkness had been, but so very different as his lips once again found her skin.   
  
***  
  
Ben had always taken pride in his force of will. He had built up impenetrable walls to protect himself, always fighting to be the strongest, the fiercest, the most powerful. And just like that…he let her overpower him. Because he needed her to.   
“You’re okay, my love.”   
Ben knew it was the oldest trick in the book. A trick she had seemed to master instinctively, without a teacher. A trick that came so natural to her it fooled even him as he let a sense of relief and calm wash over him. He _was_ okay. He was here in her arms and she was alive. She didn’t look at him like he was the monster he so feared he was, she looked at him in deep compassion and Ben could feel, almost as if it was tangible, that she loved him. Overwhelmed by gratitude he buried his face in her neck, his second most favourite part to kiss her, and pressed his lips to her warm skin. Anything that had been left from his nightmares was gone now and although he knew she had taken his pain from him by manipulating him through the Force he wasn’t angry, he was relieved. What was left of his dreams was his desire for her as he moved to press himself against her, nipping at her neck, kissing down to her collarbone as his hands started to wander.

She was everything he remembered her to be. Soft skin that had come alive under the sun, the scent of rain in the summer that was most distinct in her hair and delicate curves that seem to fit perfectly to his large hands.   
Ben was torn between kissing her and looking at her and decided to do both as he kissed his way down her collarbone, down the fabric over her top, glancing up as she met his gaze looking down. His lips parted as she granted him a smile, playing with his hair as he reached her stomach, his hands trailing down her sides to her hips. Although it was the second smile he had gotten from her that day the sight of it didn’t seize to amaze him. The sight of his amazement must have amused the woman as she laughed softly and pulled him back up, so her lips could meet his again.   
Before, kissing her had mostly triggered a lust within him that made him devour her in a hungry frenzy. Now, joy that had long been unfamiliar to him invaded each dark corner of his heart and mind, like sunshine.   
His fingertips moved to the hem of her shirt, slipping under as if the territory there was new and needed to be discovered, taking off her shirt to reveal only skin. Ben pulled her close, rolling over onto his back to pull her on top of him. The bare skin of her chest pressing to his, the flutter of her heartbeat tapping against his ribs. It was her turn to wander from his lips, down his jaw and to his neck as she moved to straddle him, taking her time to kiss her way down his scar.   
The dark waves of her hair were everywhere, tickling his face as she kissed down to his chest. Ben closed his eyes, letting his head fall back into the pillow, sighing softly as the lips of the woman he loved moved even lower until they gasped quietly.   
Ben frowned as Erin’s body heat disappeared and opened his eyes to find her sitting up straight, still straddling him but clearly distracted. He looked up at her, taking in the sight of her bare chest, breasts perking up from in between strands of wild hair. Her hands moved around the ripped skin just above his hip and Ben shivered, not in pain but in desire. He was quick to move his hand firmly around her wrist, shaking his head as he pulled her in for another kiss. Mumbling against her lips.   
“I’m okay.” He whispered semi-playfully against her lips, repeating her words back to her as his hands travelled to her back, fingertips dancing up her spine.  
She didn’t protest, instead she kissed him again, pressing herself against him, making Ben groan into her mouth. His hands found their way to her hair, tangling into it, tugging slightly to let her know that he liked the way she nipped at his earlobe.

She sat up again and the view was glorious, even with the new scars that decorated her skin after what she had to endure. Ben could now clearly see them in the moonlight scattered from the skylight above and moved his hand up to run his fingertips along the soft pink lines on her ribs. Her hands never left his skin, fingertips caressing his skin like flower petals as she watched him intently. Ben sat up suddenly, closing the unbearable distance between them, moving his arms around her to keep her from falling back, his gaze shifting from her eyes to her lips and back.

“I never stopped loving you…” he breathed.  
  
***   
  
“I never stopped loving you…” he breathed, and the world stopped. Even if just for a moment as Erin stared into the eyes of the man she loved more than anything and as she started to speak his kiss silenced her. A silence that continued as his hands tugged at her underwear and intensified as he moved to gently put her down on the bed and slipped them down her legs. She watched as Ben undid his own clothes, or what was left of it, and let him pull her close again. Erin shivered in his arms, feeling his desire for her pressed against her as her heart raced. She calmed herself by gently caressing the hair from his face, counting each freckle, taking in the exact colour of his eyes. Savouring this moment because she was unsure of where they would be next.   
Ben’s hands were everywhere, hot and firm and determined as he lifted her slightly and adjusted her in his lap. His arm slipped around her waist and Erin could hear how his breath was shaky. He swallowed as he positioned himself against her and watched her intently as she lowered herself onto him with the help of his hands on her hips.   
Her body had been without his for so long the sensation of him entering hurt slightly and Erin dug her fingertips into his shoulders, clinging to him for support as she buried her face into his neck and cried quietly. Ben was patient, shaking like a leaf as he pulled her close in a loving embrace before making another move. He pulled back only to look at her, his hand carefully pushing her hair back over her shoulder before cupping the side of her face. Erin relaxed into his hand and allowed her body to relax along with it, closing her eyes as a roll of her hips sent a wave of pleasure through her body, making Ben gasp quietly in return.

Their pace was slow and intent, as if they could make up for their time apart by taking their time in this moment. Erin could tell Ben was restraining himself, losing to his desires every now and then when he would buck his hips up hungrily or pull her down just a little harder, pushing into her even deeper making her moan into his ear. Her chest was pressed impossibly close to his, sticky with sweat, as if any distance in between them would be unbearable. When restraining themselves was too hard the Force flowed naturally between them, the other’s pleasure amplifying their own making it harder not to lose themselves to their desires.   
It was Erin who turned up the pace now, impatiently, smiling softly as Ben seemed to groan in relief, following her lead. One hand cupping her hip to help her move as the other pulled her down by her shoulder. Erin rolled her hips more intently, straddling him with conviction, letting his actions guide her. Fingertips digging into her shoulder, teeth grazing her neck, his groans bringing her closer to the edge.   
“I love you…” she sighed in between her own moans as Ben’s hands turned into hunters, wild and hungry, massaging her breast or tugging at her hair.   
“I love you.” She said again, louder this time, unable to keep unrestrained pleasure from her voice as she pressed her forehead against his. He took the lead now and Erin could feel his eyes fixed upon her face as she rolled her eyes back and closed them tightly as bliss slowly took over, her body shaking uncontrollably now, her breathing hard as she wished for Ben to continue doing what he did to her, tugging at his hair as if holding on to him would keep her from losing herself in this burning desire. She wanted him to let go, to lose himself along with her, she wanted it so badly that no words were needed for him to know. He no longer held back, both hands firmly planted at her hips as he bucked his up hard now, his breathing ragged, mixed with deep growls as his fingertips dug into her skin. Erin was quick to press her lips to his, silencing the both of them, moaning into his mouth as the both of them went over the edge.   
Erin peppered Ben’s lips with soft kisses, slowly riding out the wave of ecstasy, holding him close as the both of them trembled from exhaustion. Erin could feel his heart beat fast and strong against hers as Ben’s lips pressed tenderly to her forehead, whispering huskily.   
“I’m never letting you go again.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My oh my did I miss the two of them together. I cannot wait for all that's to come, to write it and to have you guys read it. Because obviously this simple bliss can't last forever...


	17. Interrupted

Ben wasn’t sure what he had expected to find when he woke up, but he noticed how he was surprised to feel her beside him.  
The sun was already up, casting glittering light across the walls and down on the bare skin of Erin’s back as her head rested on Ben’s arm. He didn’t want to move, afraid to wake her, so he watched her. The remainder of the night he had spent next to her had been the first time he had slept soundly in months and it felt almost unfamiliar to feel rested.

Erin was naked beside him, barely covered by the white sheets that made her look golden, a warm contrast to his own milky white skin. Ben smiled, the curl of his lips surprised him, but he couldn’t help himself, watching as Erin’s nose crinkled as she shifted just slightly. Half of him hoped she’d wake up because he wanted to make sure the night before had not been a dream, the other half could watch her like this forever. There was no conflict within him, no doubt or fear, all of it had been replaced by peace, if only for a moment. The feeling almost made him emotional but before those emotions had fully set in a jolt of joy rose within him at the sight of Erin’s fluttering eyelids.

He moved his hand to her back, running his fingertips up along her spine tenderly as he spoke impulsively, testing a term of endearment he had heard his father use on his mother when he was little. Back when they had all been happy. Most of the time at least.

“Morning, _sweetheart_.” The word came out throaty and rough, maybe even a little bit awkward but was met with a warm and sleepy half-smile as Erin looked up at him. He saw relief in her eyes, and hope. It lit her face up and made her glow from within, a new side of her he had never seen before but wondered how he could have lived without.  
“Hi.” Was all she said as she pulled up the sheets and turned, snuggling into his side like she belonged there. As she rested her head on his shoulder, Ben moved to take in the scent of her hair which was spread all over the pillow.  
“Where do you go every morning?” he whispered into her dark brown locks quietly.  
“The beach.”  
“I can’t believe you know how to swim.” He said, amusement clearly audible in his voice.  
This made her prop herself up on her elbows, watching him intently as her hair fell down like waves.  
“Why? Because I’m a slave?” there it was, that familiar defiance.  
Ben shook his head, trying not to give in to the pull he felt at the corner of his lips.  
“You’re not a slave.” He said firmly, the way he used to bark orders because he wanted her to know that wasn’t what he thought of her.  
“Who taught you?” he continued, quickly, before they could end up in an argument.  
“My father.” The memory that came with her answer seemed to relax her immediately as she melted back into his arms.  
“He used to take me to the beach every morning. It felt wrong not to do it now.”  
“I was taught how to swim by a Wookie.” As soon as Ben said the words he felt silly but the feeling of Erin chuckling in his arms was more than worth it as he looked down at her.  
“I believe I’ve met him.” Her grin was charming, yet her words made him realize where she came from and who she had been before they met.  
He averted his eyes as memories of Chewbacca and his father came back to him. How the two would banter and fight. Ben wondered if there was anyone out there who did not go mad around Han Solo.  
“Would you want to see them again?” Erin’s voice was tight, and Ben knew she was afraid to ask him this. He moved to sit up, propping himself up against the wall as he rubbed the sleep from his face and sighed deeply. Erin sat up quickly, watching him carefully as she waited for him to answer.  
“I can’t.”  
“You can.”  
“They hate me.”  
“I know they don’t.”  
He looked up now, finally able to meet her eyes again, expecting to see some misplaced hope there about who he was and who he would become for her, but there was nothing there but acceptance.  
“I’d never make you do anything you don’t want to, Ben.”  
“I’m not who you think I am.”  
She moved now, taking his hands in hers, looking down at them as her fingertips caressed his skin.  
“I told you before, I don’t care what name you use.”  
“Kylo Ren will never be gone.”  
“I don’t want him to be.”  
“I’ve done terrible things.”  
“And you can be forgiven.”  
She kissed his cheek and got up, searching for her clothes scattered on the floor.  
“We should eat.” She said, calmly, like their conversation didn’t start a storm in the both of them.

Ben frowned, unsure of what she was saying or what she wanted from him. If she ever even did want something from him. He was so used to people wanting him to be something he wasn’t, he didn’t know how to act around someone who wanted what he wanted. His thoughts drifted to the future, _their_ future. He was sure he had seen the both of them together before in their vision, right here at this house, and he wondered what the rest of that future would look like. Could he follow her back to the Resistance, to his mother? Would he? Ben was starting to believe he’d follow her anywhere.  
He watched her as she started to gather his clothes for him.  
“How did you do it?” he blurted out, only realizing he needed to specify his question as she looked up at him in confusion.  
“How did you fight in the name of the First Order?”  
She straightened her back and took her time to think about the question. He needed to know how she did it because it might help him follow her back to the Resistance, where he knew she belonged. If she could’ve handled being part of the First Order, then maybe he could find a way to become part of her world too.  
“You just have to find something you believe in.”  
She smiled again, just slightly and more with her eyes than her lips as she added;  
“Or someone.”

It was the strangest sensation. Ben expected to be haunted by darkness thinking of the Resistance, tempted by anger and fear. He knew that normally he would’ve caved by now, lost himself in a tantrum that could destroy everything around him just thinking about the past and what his family had done to him. But he wanted to be different, he wanted to be better, he wanted to go back to the way he felt when he had been Ben Solo and people still believed in him, like the woman before him was believing in him right now.  
  
***  
  
“It’ll scar if you keep hurting it like this.”  
“I don’t care.”  
Erin rolled her eyes and looked up from the ripped scar tissue and into Ben’s determined eyes.  
“Fine.” She replied.  
She had cleaned the old blood and dirt from the wound, the rest would have to heal with time. She was well aware that she could not change Ben’s stubborn mind, nor would she try on such a trivial matter. He would survive. Ben’s features softened slightly at the sight of her annoyance.  
“Thank you.”  
Erin smiled slightly, for someone who had been with something as brutal as the First Order for as long as he had he was extremely well mannered, or at least when he wanted to be.  
She sat down opposite him and shook her head.  
“I should be the one thanking you.” She gestured to the wound again. “Why did you do it?”  
Ben slipped his shirt back on, his large hands working at the small buttons. When he looked back up at her he jerked his head slightly to shake his dark hair from his face.  
“I have felt how much you love him.” He said matter-of-factly as he buttoned up the last of his shirt.  
“They could’ve killed you.” Erin replied.  
Ben shook his head, running a hand through his hair and Erin noticed how the bridge of his nose was slightly sunburnt from the day before.  
“I’ve been through worse.” He got up and Erin followed him with her eyes. “Would’ve killed the boy though.”  
“Thank you.” She whispered quietly, and her heart skipped a beat as he turned, the faintest of smiles pulling at his pink lips.  
“Anything for you.”    
Tender words and careful smiles were interrupted when Ben moved from the bedroom suddenly. Erin frowned and got up to follow him, curious about what he was doing.  
She walked through the hall of her parental home to find Ben standing in the middle of the living quarters, perfectly still.   
“Ben what’s wr…”  
He was quick to hold up his hand, his arm stretched out while his gaze was fixed upon the front door, silencing her through the Force. Erin reached out instinctively and could sense alarm within the man. When the golden doorknob started to move Ben was quick to raise his other hand, holding the door in place while the doorknob shook and rattled. Erin remained quiet when she moved closer, lowering his back arm to let him know she was right behind him. He reached past her and without even looking he managed to locate his weapon and bring it to the palm of his hand.  
  
Ben Solo stood wide and tall, the deactivated hilt of his lightsaber in hand as he pushed her back just slightly so that his frame was in between her and the possible threat. He looked dangerous and powerful and so beautiful Erin was afraid she’d shatter into a million pieces right there. She suddenly moved from him as whoever was on the other side of the door started to knock and kick at the door, Erin cursed herself for not remembering where she had put Bass’ lightsaber, instead grabbing a single dagger from her things. The knocking finally stopped, and Ben’s shoulders relaxed only slightly.  
“Ben…the windows.” Erin whispered.  
Ben’s hands slipped around her waist, pulling and pushing her back and into the hall, the only place that did not have giant dome-like windows in this house. He stood towering over her, pressing her back against the wall, blocking her with his tall frame as he looked down at her. Words were unnecessary, Erin knew what those eyes were saying. Please stay quiet, please don’t do anything stupid, _just wait_.  
The both of them stood like that for minutes, reaching out through the Force to detect the entity outside, following its energy as it seemed to search around the house. Erin could hear tapping on the windows, fumbling at locks that had been sealed for years yet she couldn’t help but feel alarmed. Someone was trying to get into this house, her parent’s house. The only thing that was left of them.  
Ben’s warm hand found hers and squeezed gently, the other tenderly planted up to the base of her neck, fumbling at her hair nervously. His dark eyes were fixed upon a spot beyond the hallway and Erin could tell he was concentrating hard.  
“I think they’re gone.” He whispered and as soon as he said the words Erin slipped away from him and into the living room, when she heard Ben follow, she Force pushed him back into the hall, just in case anyone was still there. She rushed to the front door and opened it, storming outside to see whoever had tried to break into the only home she had ever known.  
“Erin!” Ben roared, pulling her back inside without even laying a finger on her, shutting the door loudly behind her.  
“Do you want to get caught? Is that it?” he huffed as he got right up in her face.  
“I can take care of myself.” She grumbled, knowing fully well he was right.  
“I’m pretty sure there’s a bounty on both our heads. Hux would make sure the entire galaxy knew what we looked like.”  
This alarmed Erin. However stupid, she had not thought about herself. She had only thought about Ben, Supreme Leader of the Galaxy and how everyone would know his name and recognize his face. But breaking out the Supreme Leader in the middle of a coup would obviously be enough to be sentenced to death.    
“I forgot about him.” She replied semi-nonchalant, too proud to give in to Ben’s concerns.  
“We can’t stay here.” Ben mumbled as he shook his head, dark strands falling in his face. As he turned, he raised his hand to run it through his hair. He started to move restlessly, as if he was searching for something.  
“We have nowhere else to go.” Erin replied darkly.  
“They’re going to find us, Erin.”  
She could tell he was turning impatient with her as his voice was slightly louder now, his tone no longer tender. She knew he was right, she just didn’t want to leave this place that made her feel more like herself than anything had done in a long time. This place helped her combat the bad memories and brought back the good ones. This place had been her childhood before everything got ruined and life turned her into a killer. It was a place she could not afford to lose, which was why she knew they had to leave.


	18. Crystal

As rays of sunshine played around the room that had once been her parent’s Erin stared at the open closet filled with their clothes. Neatly folded in dusty piles, they had been untouched for years, as if they were still waiting to be worn.   
Erin ran her fingertips over the soft beige fabric of her mother’s dresses and the rough linen of her father’s shirts. Looking at their clothes Erin realized they were wealthier than she remembered them to be, they had had a good life. Their home modest but beautifully built, with rich details Erin had been too young to admire before. Their clothes made out of soft fabrics she had only seen on either General Leia or on the people at Canto Bight before.  
She realized she had much to learn about her parents and suddenly felt like she might not have known them at all. After all, how well does a child know their parents really?    
Her hands moved slowly down the silky-smooth sleeve of a dress when she heard someone enter the room behind her. She knew it was Ben, whenever he was close to her, she could feel it through the Force, strong and steady and calm, the only way they were only ever really around each other.  
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice softer than hours before when he had told her they needed to leave. They had decided to take their time to come up with a plan, but Erin knew leaving this home would eventually be inevitable.  
She glanced over her shoulder, nodding quickly.  
“I never expected to see this place again.” She answered matter-of-factly.   
“Did you remember where it was?”  
She heard him come closer as she turned back to face the closet again. When he reached her she could feel his body heat behind her and see how his tall frame cast a shadow before her. He knew she needed him to touch her, as support, as his arms slipped around her waist. Erin didn’t respond as he dipped his head, nuzzling her neck for a moment, planting a warm kiss to the scar along her jaw.   
“I thought it was destroyed. They set it on fire when they took me away.”  
Ben tensed slightly as her memories started to flow between the both of them. Their sensitivity to the Force heightened by touch.  
“Poe found it years ago, and only my father’s study had been damaged.”   
More tension in his frame at the mention of her best friend and Erin could feel jealousy flare up within the man, she glanced down and saw how his hands balled into fists, grabbing the fabric of her shirt before relaxing again, caressing her hips absentmindedly. She turned in his arms and looked up to meet his gaze, which seemed to reflect the pain and nostalgia she was feeling.  
“The study…” she whispered, noticing how the words stirred something unfamiliar within her, something she couldn’t make sense of.  
“What is it?” Ben asked, sensing it too.  
He immediately let go of her at the slightest of her movements, as if he knew it was important to let her follow this pull. Erin made her way to the study, which she had avoided at all costs because it was where they had killed her mother.  
“I haven’t been in there since we arrived.” Erin mumbled as she walked, through the hall, to the living room, through another hall when she finally reached a door with blackened corners.  
She placed her hand on the heavy wood, the sensation stronger now, making the palm of her hand tingle and the space behind her heart tickle. It was as if something had been awakened by talking about that particular room, something inside of her but also something else…something _in_ the room.   
  
***  
  
The Force had always been with him. Even in his mother’s womb. He could even remember parts of it. How it had been light and warm and comfortable, how it would soothe discomfort and spark curiosity in him as a child. It was like wind and water, a voice and a touch and at the same time it was like neither of those things at all. He could sense it between everything, within everything, all the time. He felt it strongest now within her.  
Rough and raw, like an uncut diamond, but strong as she automatically gravitated toward it, following it instinctively. He watched her closely and noticed she was neither light or dark, she had given in to both, followed both, let all of it led her and it now led her to a door.  
Ben could feel the emotions from the past that lingered behind that door, death and decay, he could still hear a child crying even while the house was entirely quiet. The Force moved between everything, which also meant it moved within time itself, taking memories, energy and emotions with it, perceivable for those sensitive to its powers.  
But Erin felt something more than that, something else, something he could not seem to feel or hear and for a moment this scared Ben.  
“What is it?” he whispered, reaching out to touch her back with just his fingertips.  
She pulled at the door knob, but the door was locked, Ben could feel her intense need to follow that feeling and before he knew it, he had unlocked the door for her. He knew she could’ve done it herself, but he couldn’t bear the feeling of keeping anything she needed from her longer than necessary.   
Extreme and sudden sadness washed over him, making him gasp and he noticed how Erin’s hands were trembling as she stood frozen in the middle of the room. He looked around, wondering what she saw as her eyes were large with shock, but he couldn’t see anything but the half-burnt remains of a study of sorts.  
His gaze fixed upon the woman he loved as he saw her bite her lip and close her eyes taking in the blow of grief crashing over her. He wanted to help her, to do anything he could to take that pain away and he rushed to her side, carefully reaching out his hand to brush past hers. The moment seemed extremely private, but she didn’t withdraw. She lowered herself, crouching, pushing her hair back behind one ear before reaching out to the floor beneath her. Fingers running along the dark marble. There were no hints of a crime left besides the obvious traces of fire, but Ben knew the place was where her mother had taken her last breath. He couldn’t help but see it. Its energy lingering so vividly in this place.

_“Mom! Mom, no!”_  
In her memory the second door of the study was open, out in the front yard was a girl screaming. Held by the man Ben had come to know as Silvester Finnhall. Erin looked young, still free of scars, her childlike face sun kissed and her hair shorter than he had ever seen it. She was a child, skinny and small, fighting against the man’s grip. At her feet was the lifeless body of a strong looking man and Ben realized it was her father. He had seen parts of this scene before, in Finnhall’s mind.   
Ben turned to look at the scene directly beside him, four men in the study, one of them raising his blaster, too close to a woman’s chest, before pulling the trigger.   
The woman looked a lot like her daughter only her skin was slightly darker, nose and cheeks covered in playful freckles, her dead eyes just as dark as Erin’s. She dropped to the ground and the child cried out, a sound of deep heartbreak.   
  


The sound of her pulled him back from the memory they had shared. A shaky gasp and Ben knew she knew that he had seen what had happened here. She had felt him. She was quick to rise, dropping her hands to her side as if nothing had happened.  
Ben didn’t press the matter, instead he looked around at the different objects that had survived the fire. Erin moved restlessly around the room as if she was searching for something. He was surprised to see her so strong after a memory like that, always fighting, always pushing through. He was afraid that if he would address it she would break, he could feel she was close to doing so.   
She stopped suddenly.  
“What is it?” Ben asked again, curious and impatient at the same time as she crossed the room quickly, reaching up to open cabinet doors quickly.  
Her hands reached into the dark cabinet, dust and charred pieces of wood and ash coming out as she seemed to be searching for something.  
“Can you hear that?” She asked him.   
Nothing. Just silence.   
Ben frowned slightly in frustration but moved to help her anyway, using her emotions to guide him. He could feel it now too, a power, something that felt like the Force itself. Alive and buzzing and _calling_. Not in sound but to his soul.  
She moved to let him through and Ben reached up and into the cabinet, finding a single small box in just beyond her reach. He held it out in front of her and the entire box seemed to shake in his hand, not physically but the _feeling_ of it.  
Erin simply stared at the box, emotions rushing through her while Ben stared at her face. He could almost see the little girl right there in front of him.  
“I think _you_ need to open it.” He said quietly and when Erin met his gaze, he could tell she was scared. And Ben suddenly recognized that feeling. Because he had been through it before, that calling of the Force, something that felt alive and powerful all on its own. Ben knew what she would find, he just wasn’t sure how it was possible.

 

***  
  
“I think _you_ need to open it.” Ben’s voice was kind and encouraging, like a teacher.  
Erin was still reeling with trauma, trembling in the room she had never wanted to set foot in again. But that _calling_ was stronger than her pain, like it promised her an answer to it.  
Ben held the box with both hands and as Erin reached out the calling became louder, even without sound. Pulling her in and even physically closer toward Ben and the box. She knew instinctively that whatever she would find in there would change her life forever and the thought alone made her hands tremble as she opened the box.   
The box was empty except for a small item hidden in dark amber velvet and Erin knew it had been the small package that had been calling to her. She reached into the box and carefully took the pile of fabric in her hand, it was heavier than she expected it to be. As Erin folded open the amber velvet, she felt her the object in her hand glow, causing her hand to tingle with warmth even through the thick fabric. In it was a crystal about the size of her thumb. When she ran her fingertip along its jagged edges the calling stopped, and a sense of serenity seemed to emit from it.  
Erin took the crystal from her hand and in between her thumb and index finger, holding it up curiously as the faintest of glows seemed to come from it. White and filled with a pearly glow.  
Behind the crystal she could see Ben’s confused face, blinking more than he usually did as his eyes were fixed upon the object in her hand.  
“How is that even…” he whispered, not finishing his sentence which suddenly scared Erin once more.   
Erin couldn’t keep her eyes off of the object and felt strangely connected to it, relieved to find it even though she had not known of its existence before. She felt as if she had been reunited with an old friend.   
_“You’re ready, my heart.”_  
Erin frowned at Ben’s peculiar choice of words and lowered the crystal, looking up at him in confusion because he just called her what her father had called her when she was little. When Ben saw her obvious puzzlement, he held up a piece of paper with the handwritten words on it. Erin didn’t even realize her father had known how to write.  
“Is it…” she started but felt silly to even finish her question.  
“A Kyber crystal, yes.” Ben said solemnly. “And it seems to have chosen you.”

 


	19. We will

Erin stared at the crystal on the table. Both of her hands placed neatly on the table top beside it as if she was afraid that if she would touch it again it would disappear. Her father had intently left this for her in his study, had he known what would happen to him or was it for when she had grown up with them happily in this house?   
“I don’t understand.” She whispered for the third time.  
Being in the study after the calling of the crystal had stopped had been unbearable. Erin had rushed out the moment the crystal had _calmed down_ and Ben only now followed her and sat down next to her at the table.  
“The kyber chooses a Force user. We don’t really know how.” Ben was talking in that voice again, the teacher voice, calm and deep and very serious.  
“It’s actually part of Jedi training to mine your own crystal. Younglings are sent to the Crystal Caves of Ilum when they’re ready. We had to find the kyber that was calling out to us. Luke called it _singing_.” For a moment it seemed as if Ben shook his head and rolled his eyes but when Erin looked at him his face was blank.  
“It’s ancient belief that the crystals have a consciousness which depth is comparable to humans, only they seem to share it collectively amongst each other. With that consciousness they chose their Force-sensitive match.”  
It was strange to hear Ben, formerly known to her as Kylo Ren, talk about the Jedi and his training so naturally. There was no anger there, just an openness and willingness to educate her. Did he believe parts of the Jedi religion were worth saving?  
“They’re alive?” Erin frowned slightly, this news made her want to touch the crystal again as if she could console it.    
“You could say that, yes.” Ben answered solemnly.   
Before she could ask him anything else, he shifted closer to her on the bench by the table, his hand placed on the table right next to her arm. Erin could feel him watching her as she watched the crystal glow only slightly, like moonlight.  
“Erin…” he started, very serious again.   
“This means your father knew about your powers. It also means he was likely affiliated with the Jedi Order.”  
Ben’s voice changed in that sentence, to something darker and it triggered an insecurity in Erin she had not known was there.  
“So?” she said as she turned to look at him.  
Ben didn’t respond, instead he looked down at the crystal.  
“Would it be wrong if he had been affiliated with them?” she pushed.  
No response from the man in front of her, even though he turned to meet her glare. His face as blank as it had been before she had come to known him.  
“That seems like a yes.” She growled and stood up, grabbing the kyber, holding it tightly as she felt it glow comfortably in the palm of her hand.   
“Maybe he _was_ _one of them._ Would you have killed him on your insane quest to end the Jedi?”  
“Erin...” Ben said, his voice stern, a warning. But there was no stopping Erin once she spoke her frustrated mind. She wasn’t afraid to do so, never had been and it had brought her trouble more than good.   
“Maybe you would’ve even killed me while you were at it.”  
“ _Erin_.” Ben hissed through his teeth. “Sit. Down.”  
“Tell me you don’t care.” Erin planted her balled fists on her hips and stared down at him defiantly.  
No answer came from his lips, Erin sensed confusion she couldn’t quite place. Was it his or hers? His silence was enough for her to know there was still doubt there, and along with the new discoveries about her father and what he left her, Erin felt overwhelmed. She was quick to turn, rushing out of the house even as Ben called out after her.   
  
  
***  
  
He found her at the beach.   
  
Ben had known he’d find her there. He had felt her energy buzzing through the Force all day, hot with rage and erratic with anxiety. But now that it was calm, he felt ready to face her again.   
Maybe her accusations had been right once. Kylo Ren would have killed anyone affiliated with the Jedi Order. But when she said those words, they had cut deeper than Ben realized they could. They hurt because they were true, but also because they weren’t him anymore. He had not been able to find the words to tell her to stay because he too felt angry. With her for using the past against him like that while she said he could be forgiven for what he had done, but also with himself. He was still learning to be this other man, this man no one had ever allowed him to be.   
  
She was watching the lightning out at sea. It was still dry, but it had been hot that day and Ben had noticed before how this could cause lightning storms out by the horizon. The sight was remarkable, especially with her in it. He made sure not to get too close, to allow her a moment of peace just a little while longer before he would cause her any concern.

The sky lit up with angry looking patterns, colouring the black clouds in pale white and deep purple combined with the deep rumble traveling over water.

When he moved closer, he saw her sitting in the sand, legs crossed. The warm breeze was playing with her hair and Ben envied even the wind touching her more than he could. He could tell she knew he was there by the way her shoulders tensed and how her consciousness brushed up against his to make sure it was really him and not a dangerous stranger. The sensation was just as intimate as the first time it had happened only now they both seemed to feel more comfortable around it. A deeper way of communication.   
Ben sat down next to Erin in the sand, taking in a deep breath as he watched the same scene unfold in front of them. He could see the faint glow of the crystal in the sand between her legs and how her finger ran along the ragged edge over and over. There was no real colour emitting from the kyber, just a glow very similar to moonlight, he somehow found this fitting.  
“Kylo Ren would have killed your father.” He started, staring hard at the horizon because of course Kylo Ren would have killed her father, he even killed his own.  
Erin did not move, her dark eyes reflecting sharply each time lightning struck the ocean beyond.  
“I still don’t believe in the Jedi Order. I think we’ve had it all wrong. Snoke, Luke…fighting the Force when we should’ve been embracing it. _All of it_.”  
Erin looked at him now and although he could still see anger and sadness in those defiant brown eyes he could also see understanding.  
“What if the balance isn’t just between the Light side and the Dark side, between two _sides_? What if it’s between two _halves_? Within us.”  
She nodded now, and Ben could tell she understood exactly what he was saying because she had told him about that struggle before, she was the one who had inspired him to look at things differently all along.  
“You mean…restore the Balance in the Force through embracing both. Can we?  
“Maybe.” Ben answered, suddenly unsure of himself, so much so that he was trembling as he took in another deep breath. Lips quivering at the realization that what he was saying was something he would never be capable of. She was the first to move, shifting in the sand as she put a hand on his arm reassuringly. Erin’s hands moved up slowly, taking his trembling face in her hands, gently brushing back his hair.  
“We will.” She whispered and smiled.  
Ben was unsure how she could smile amidst all this insecurity but the sight of her face lighting up even brighter than the lightning beyond was enough for him to believe her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update this time. More coming soon by the end of the week! I'm playing with the idea of an AU Christmas oneshot, would that be something you guys would be interested in?


	20. Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be starting the new year off traveling for a month so I'm hoping to squeeze out a couple more chapters before then! Very excited about this one and where the next ones are taking us. Hope you enjoy :)

Although there was a true urgency to change locations as soon as possible this would be a challenge for another day. They had no ship, no means to get from Naboo without making a scene. Erin had packed a bag filled with clothes and supplies for the both of them should they leave in a hurry but the thought of leaving this place still upset her.  
The nights were the same, filled with nightmares and restless sleep and when they woke they found comfort in each other through physical intimacy until they were finally tired enough to sleep. The two of them could not face the night without each other.  
It usually took hours for Ben to fall asleep as Erin pretended to be sleeping with her head resting on his wide chest, listening to his heart beating under her ear. Even his heart sounded stronger than normal.  
Ben stared at the skylight, laying perfectly still, lost in whatever thoughts haunted his beautiful mind.  
Erin knew he didn’t want to talk, she understood because they were the same that way, he just didn’t want to be alone.  
Occasionally, when she was drifting off, she felt his hand on her head, searching for anything in her mind that might be of danger or cause her distress. Erin realized Ben Solo was guarding her in his own twisted way, which was all he knew.  
The nightmares never stopped. For the both of them. Erin could sense whenever the dark had a hold of Ben, she could see it in the amber slivers burning in his eyes and knew that his dance with the dark would always be a dangerous one. She could still feel Kylo Ren in him when his touch grew needy and his eyes hungry, when he kissed with an anger that was not really directed at her. She couldn’t help but give in to her own darkness, allowing the both of them to be themselves in those moments, light and dark, constantly changing, constantly mixing. They used each other to heal through the nights, a broken and beautiful mess.

Erin woke suddenly, Ben’s strong arms enveloped her, her back flush against his chest. His presence calmed her but only slightly, the feeling still overpowered by what had awakened her. A sound. She could’ve sworn she heard something. Erin turned her head to find Ben asleep, peacefully so it seemed, at least for now so she decided to slip from his arms as carefully as she could. Slipping into his shirt as she stood very still, listening carefully. There it was again, the slightest of cracks coming from the other side of the house, joined by a quiet rustling as if someone was moving papers or fabric. Erin’s heart beat violently in her chest when she glanced back at Ben, spotting his lightsaber on the bedside table, reaching out through the Force, slightly surprised the weapon answered to her call so effortlessly. She closed both her hands around its hilt until her knuckles turned white and stood by the bed, listening intently. She held the weapon up and ready, without igniting it because she knew the crackling of Ben’s instable saber could set whoever was in the house off. For the first time in a long time Erin was trembling in fear, a fear that must’ve emitted from her because from her left she could hear a quiet shift.  
“What are you doing?” Ben mumbled.  
When she looked at him, she realized what this must’ve looked like judging from the fear that crossed his face. Ben had never looked younger, and the look in his eyes broke her heart.

***  
  
He woke to fear mixed with adrenaline, his heart beating fast in anticipation but when he opened his eyes he knew these feelings weren’t his. His arms were stretched out along an empty mattress and Ben realized something was wrong when he could see her standing by the side of their bed. When he looked up he saw her standing there, his lightsaber in both of her hands, lifted up to the side of her face as if she was ready to strike at any moment. He couldn’t help it as a flashback of Luke standing over his bed in a very similar way came back to him and for a moment he felt as if he had always known this would be the way it would end for him. Alone. Unloved. Everyone’s enemy.  
“What are you doing?” Ben wanted to ask but the words came out as a fearful plea.  
Ben was confused when she didn’t lower the weapon, didn’t ignited it nor excused herself, she just turned around, that same fear spiking within her as Ben sat up quickly. The fear of his trauma still haunting him but now overpowered with the need to assess the situation.  
“There’s someone in the house.” She whispered almost inaudibly.  
Now Ben was quick to get up and out of bed, pulling on his pants as he rushed to her side as silently as he could. He let her have his weapon because he felt more comfortable knowing she had something to defend herself with as they moved down the hall quietly. He could hear it now, the creaking of wood as if drawers were being opened and closed and footsteps that sounded rushed. He realized Erin was heading the wrong way and closed his hand around her small wrist, motioning for her to follow him to the other side of the house. Ben pressed his lips together in concentration, his dark eyes scanning his surroundings until he saw movement. Dark and quick. His heart stopped when the First Order emblem flashed white in the moonlight and turned to face Erin immediately.  
“We have to leave.”  
“What…”  
“Now.” Ben growled and pushed her forward in the opposite direction as the First Order official fired their blaster at them. Ben ducked, keeping Erin up as she almost lost her footing while ducking too and stopped the second blaster bolt mid-air.  
“I’ll take care of her. Get whatever you want to take with you.”  
Erin turned, and he could see she was reluctant to leave him behind.  
“Go. Now!”  
“Fine.” She growled as she pressed his lightsaber against his chest. “Be careful.”  
  
***  
  
Erin was trembling so badly when she reached the bedroom that it was hard for her to work the buttons of her pants. She could hear blaster bolts and furniture being moved around, she could hear the familiar crackling of Ben’s saber while she got to the bag that held their necessities.  
She almost tripped as she tried to put on shoes while also searching for Bass’s old weapon and actually tripped and scraped her knee when she pulled on her other boot as the noises coming from the other room got more intense. She heard Ben’s dark roar and her heart stopped for a moment, only beating again because she could feel through the Force that he was not the one that was hurt. She was quick to get some of her mother’s old jewellery and a dress that was draped over a chair by the door and pushed them in the bag while rushing down the hall and back toward Ben.  
She found him out of breath, his bare foot pressed to the chest of someone clad in a special First Order uniform, one very similar to what hers had looked like.  
“How many of you are there?” Ben hissed, pressing his foot to the woman’s neck.  
When the woman didn’t reply Ben rolled his eyes as if he was annoyed with himself for forgetting he didn’t need to ask the woman anything.  
“Ben…we should go.”  
“Get to the back of the house.” Ben growled.  
“But...”  
“Now, Erin.” He hissed.  
Erin knew this wasn’t a question as she turned and rushed away from the scene, hearing the woman scream in agony by the time she got outside.

  
When she got outside, she realized she had forgotten the most important thing she had come to own. She searched her pockets frantically, pulling the bag from her shoulders, dropping it to the ground to search for it despite the fact that she already knew she had left it on the table by the bed. Her heart broke when she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Her father’s kyber. Erin threw the bag over her shoulder again and made her way back to the house which was now eerily quiet.

She rushed down the hall and before she could reach the room they had found the intruder at she ran into someone tall and wide. She gasped and immediately jumped, ready for battle, the figure opposite her did the same until he realized she was no threat. It was Ben.  
He was wearing his old black robes, or what was left of them, the sight of it was slightly unnerving to her, especially when a hint of amber slithered from his eyes just when his gaze met hers. He was sweating, and his hair stuck to his forehead just before he ran his hand through it roughly. Erin could hear he was out of breath as he came to his senses and his hands shot up, both of them cupping her face.  
“Are you hurt?” he snarled huskily.  
“I’m fine.” She replied quickly.  
Erin could hear more blasters in the distance, at the front of the house but outside and frowned as Ben cursed under his breath. He dropped his hands from her face and glanced back down the dark hall.Erin moved to look into the same direction, half expecting to find something there but there was nothing but silver moonlight dancing around the walls.  
“We have to move.”  
“Okay.” Erin agreed yet she pushed past him. Ben was quick to grab her wrist and pull her back.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I…”  
He didn’t let her finish, instead he pulled her after him, grabbing her upper arms and moving her in front of him, pushing her down the hall as she struggled against him. She could hear others enter the house - _her_ house- and felt rage rush like a wave through her body. Sudden and explosive. They were in _her home_. She pushed past Ben now, shoving her shoulder into him as she shoved him to the wall and sprinted down the hall. Ben was stronger though, not only physically but through the Force as well as he used the latter on her to pull her back flush against his chest, both of his arms folded tightly around her upper body as he dragged her out of the house, her feet kicking the walls as she snarled at him to let her go. When they were outside he let her go, knowing fully well it was too late for either of them to go back to the house now that Stormtroopers and First Order officials were visible through every window.  
Erin’s heart broke as she feared for the safety of the house. She also knew that if she would go back now, even if she could take on all those men by herself, the house would surely be destroyed.  
  
So she followed Ben as he rushed deeper into the forest. Mad at him because if he would’ve just let her go she could’ve easily retrieved her crystal.  
Ben did not speak, instead he only emitted a restless anger that reminded her of Kylo Ren more than she liked to admit. He was distressed, but not only by the Stormtroopers at the house, something had happened…  
She had to run to keep up with him, his legs much longer than hers. Every now and then she would look back but Ben never did, he kept walking as if his life depended on it and they both knew it did. He only turned to take the bag from her, no doubt hoping she’d be quicker without it, frowning down at her when she tried to hold onto it.  
“You’re insane. Do you know that?” he snarled in a low whisper, taking the bag from her.  
“So, I’ve heard.” She growled back quietly. 

***  
  
They had to keep moving. Slowing down even a minute could be fatal. Where it had been impossible for them to steal a ship unnoticed before, it was their only chance to escape now. They had to get somewhere where their escape would go unnoticed, somewhere busy even at night. Ben had studied charts he had found at the house and knew that Theed, Naboo’s capital, was at least an hour away by foot.    
Ben was reeling with emotion as he took large angry steps, rushing through the woods as quietly as he could, feeling Erin behind him like a shadow. When had she gotten so good at being silent?  
He could feel her though. Angry and upset and above all scared. For him, for her childhood home, her heart broken at the thought of it being destroyed only after she had just found it again.  
Ben didn’t know what that felt like, not really, only through her. A house filled with such happiness, a happy childhood home. He had only known cold marble and the metal of droids carrying him to sleep, lonely beds and fights through walls that should’ve been thick enough to keep the sound out. He had had all the toys he could long for but no one to play with. Great education but no one to talk to. The most expensive clothes but he never went outside. Ben grew up in a golden cage.  
Erin’s home was as wild and free as she was, filled with hope and beauty even though it looked damaged on the outside. It was strange and pretty and unlike anything he had seen before. In a few days it had felt more like home than anything ever had, and he knew it was because of her.  
He knew he couldn’t keep ignoring her even though dealing with her emotions was a lot on top of his. He couldn’t hear anything in the distance and figured it couldn’t hurt to ease her mind, even for a couple of seconds as he reached into the fabric of his robes and turned, holding out the Kyber crystal that belonged to Erin right in front of her face.  
“Here.”  
The word came out more angrily than he had meant it and when he saw her equally angry face soften his heart melted, despite what he had felt just moments ago. All of it disappeared at the sight of her face lighting up even slightly. He could feel a light flare up inside of her that gave him the spark of hope he needed to go on. She took the crystal in her hand carefully, like it could break right there.  
“Thank you.” She whispered, her eyes shining in the moonlight and Ben knew she was close to crying but she was strong. He took a few steps back to meet her, resting his hand to her cheek as he quickly placed a firm kiss on her lips.  
“I love you.” He whispered, close to breaking down himself before burying those feelings and covering them up with sharp sarcasm. “Now can you please move?”  
“Yes, sir.” She replied in equal mockery, the words reminding him of when they first started working together, and she grinned dangerously like she was ready for anything the universe could throw at them.  
 

He knew she was.


	21. Christmas Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas you sweet people! There's another update coming very soon, but I just wanted to give you a little Christmas gift! Which is an AU Ben & Erin Christmas oneshot!

Driving Home For Christmas   
_AU Christmas oneshot where Ben Solo is a former addict going home search of forgiveness._   
  
 [You can find the oneshot here :)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17187662)

 

Happy Holidays! 


	22. Okay

It had not taken them long to reach Theed although it had felt like they had spent the entire night running. Erin’s legs were hurting, and she realized she should’ve trained more, she should have been prepared. Instead she had gotten lazy which made her feel weak.   
Theed seemed to bathe in gold even at night, from the moons and from the thousands of golden lanterns hanging from trees and buildings, covering the streets in their warm glow. She had been here before when she was little, the city was rich and beautiful, but she couldn’t remember more than that. Ben however seemed to have been there before and it struck Erin once again that she knew so little about his past and yearned to learn much more.   
“There are several hangars. The closest one is on the east.”   
Ben spoke quietly while pulling the hood of his robes over his head. Erin reached forward as he let her rummage through the backpack to find something to cover her face with. She was also set on covering his black attire with something less conspicuous. While she did, he continued.  
“The First Order wouldn’t invade Theed, _yet_. It would take the entire fleet to concur Naboo and Hux wouldn’t risk it. That doesn’t mean they’re not around.”  
“I know. This was my job, remember.” Erin hissed.  
“Right.” Ben answered, his voice strained.  
They were pressed back against the wall of a building at the outskirts of the city, hidden in the shadows as they went over their plan.  
“We should be able to get to the hangar unnoticed if we act…”  
“Normal. I get it. Just lead the way. I’ve done this before.”  
Ben turned to look at her now and Erin detected something that resembled pride in his eyes as he nodded firmly. Erin could sense that underneath the adrenaline Ben was scared, and she was too. When they left the comfort of the shadows and threaded into the light of the lanterns, she slipped her hand in his, pulling him back to slow him down. Rushing down the street would only make them look suspicious.

***  
  
It was easy to forget that Erin had a dangerous past. Easy because all Ben wanted to do was protect her from it. But he knew she wouldn’t have come as far as she did if she wasn’t good at her job. Her job for Hux _and_ her job for the Resistance. He squeezed her hand gently, occasionally glancing down at her swiftly. His heart was beating fast, his mouth dry and his mind racing as his eyes shifted from alley to alley, building to building. There weren’t many people around, yet the buildings were full of people and parties, celebration and life. It was hard to remember there were places of peace in the galaxy still.  
Ben led Erin through the streets of the city he had been many times before with Luke. It had not changed in years. When a couple stumbled out from a building in front of them Ben stopped immediately, his free hand slipping in his robes, resting on the hilt of his lightsaber as he felt Erin squeeze his arm as a warning. She was laughing, her fingers running down to his hand again, playing with is as she swayed down the street.  
“Come on, love. Just one more dance.” She crooned in her sing-song voice as she looked up at him with begging eyes. Ben knew she was acting, and he knew she was good at it. He felt extremely awkward looking back at her.    
“We have to go.” It was the only thing he could say that sounded like he actually meant it. His gaze fixed upon the couple that now passed them. Erin was quick to reach out to his face and make him look at her instead. When the couple passed her hand dropped and she was quick to pull him along.  
They were almost there. They just had to cross one more square and they’d find the hangar at the end of the street.  
The both of them scanned the square just before heading out onto it, suddenly in a rush to get to the hangar that was now visible beyond. Ben could feel the slightest hint of anticipation in Erin, mixed with an anxiety that was heavy on top of his own. Just when they stepped out into the clearing of the square a group of men headed their way along the buildings at the side of the square. They stood out because they looked out of place, they were too quiet and their demeanour too organized. These men weren’t civilians Ben realized and when he did he was quick to pull Erin onto the nearest alley hoping they hadn’t seen the two of them just yet.  
“What…” he had caught her off guard and pushed her back against the wall, his hand pressed firmly over her mouth as he warned her with his eyes. She relaxed slightly, nodding understandingly. When Ben heard the men approach, their footsteps sounding like a march, he pushed her against the wall tighter, pressing his leg in between hers, pinning one hand up above her head as he pressed his lips against hers pretending to be a couple hiding their affair in the night. Kissing her came natural even in the face of danger, his free hand running down her side only to leave her body to be ready to reach for his weapon if necessary. The rest of his body was pressed against hers. If she was acting too, she could have convinced him with the way she returned the kiss. Her free hand grabbing at his robes, pulling him closer even though it was impossible and her hips pressing up against his.  
Ben couldn’t help thinking that this wouldn’t be a bad way to die.  
The two of them were only brought back to reality when they heard laughter and whistling mixed with vulgar name-calling which finally ebbed away when the man passed by. Maybe they had been civilians after all, Ben thought when he pulled back, his breath uneven on Erin’s lips as he looked at her.  
“You’re a quick learner.”   
She smiled and he returned the favour with the slightest hint of a smirk.  
“Let’s go.” 

***  
  
The hangar was busy even at night with the coming and going of spacecrafts of any kind. Erin trusted Ben as he assessed the smaller ships at the far edge of the hangar, closest to its exit which they noticed remained open at all times. Erin’s knowledge of spaceships was limited but Ben’s made up for it easily. He was looking for particular model he had described to her before they entered the hangar because it would hold a cloaking device. Or so they hoped.  
Erin’s heart was racing as the both of them rushed through the hangar in search of the right ship. Ben was focused on the starships while Erin focussed her attention on their surroundings.  
“Wait here. Stall if someone’s coming.” Ben whispered in her ear suddenly and Erin stood still, her back toward the ship Ben walked up to and her gaze fixed upon the aisle beyond. She wondered what he was doing and if he needed help, she also wondered what she would do if they got caught.  
She didn’t have to wonder long though because she could hear the engines of a ship just behind her and the soft hiss of a hull door opening. There in the steam and smoke surrounding the ship’s opening she could see Ben, his arm reaching out as he gestured for her to move. She did. She ran as quickly as she could. They were going to get out of here, together. And the First Order wasn’t going to stop them.  
The door closed behind her and Ben was already at the front of the ship, taking his seat in the cockpit, flicking switches and pushing buttons. He looked right at home there.  
“How did you even do it this fast?” Erin asked as she took the seat next to him. He laughed just slightly, for the first time she saw him laugh and it made her heart skip a beat. It was almost soundless, no teeth, just his lips pulled into a smile and the sound of his breath that indicated laughter.  He shook his head and looked at her.  
“I’ll show you someday.”  
“You’re enjoying this…” Erin realized as she activated her side of the control panels in front of her.  
“Maybe I am.” He answered.  
The both of them looked up as the com unit started to make noise, crackling at first, but then a voice came through.  
“Evening Mr. Panes. Correct me if I’m wrong but there is no transport registered for today with this vehicle.”  
Ben looked at Erin, who looked back at him in alarm. The both of them remained silent for a moment and Erin raised her brows as Ben ignored the com unit and started to pull out of the hangar slowly.  
“ _Mr. Panes?_ ”  
“You’re not going to answer him?” Erin asked.  
“ _Excuse me, Mr. Panes can you hear me?_ ”  
“No.” Ben answered Erin.  
“But what if…”

 _“Mr. Panes can you please confirm your unscheduled flight.”_   
The voice on the other side of the com unit was starting to sound impatient. Ben smirked again, running his hand through his hair quickly before returning his hands to the controls and Erin couldn’t help but love every part of this side of him even though the recklessness of him made her slightly uneasy.  
“They’ll close the hangar.”  
“I’ll be quick.”  
“They’re closing it already.”  
“I’ll be even quicker then.”  
Ben didn’t lie. Instead he pushed the ship right to its limits, making Erin bite her lip and close her eyes shut, afraid they’d crash right into the hangar heavy metal doors. When there was no indication of a crash she opened her eyes again, immediately turning in her seat to look back as she heard the sound of blaster canons hitting them. Ben’s fingers were so quick to work at the buttons in front of him she could hardly see what he was doing. The shots didn’t stop, they just went in all directions but theirs and Erin realized that must’ve been the cloaking device.  
She watched as Ben’s eyes narrowed, scanning the horizon for any sign of the First Order fleet. They weren’t too far. In fact, they were right outside Theed, just above the thick forest that held Erin’s home.  
“That’s not the Supremacy…” Erin mumbled.  
“It’s a Battlecruiser. Hux wouldn’t risk the bringing the Supremacy just to find us.”  
“He wouldn’t?” Erin noted, sarcasm clearly audible in her voice.  
“We should figure out where we are headed. _Quickly_.”  
Erin could hear alarm in his voice and when she scanned the sky she could see why. Several fighters were headed their way.  
“I thought we were cloaked?!”   
“We are. They can still scan our magnetic signature if their scanners are active.”  
“The Resistance. They’ll…”  
“No.” Ben’s voice was dark with a hint of panic.  
“But…”  
“I said no.”  
Erin met his glare defiantly. Did he really prefer dying over returning to his mother? Did he really hate the Resistance that much still? Even now that he knew her?   
“Fine, then we’ll stay and die.” Erin growled, suddenly upset.  
“I need more time.”  
Was Ben Solo saying he needed more time? Did that mean he meant to return with her to the Resistance at least at some point in the future? Erin was suddenly overwhelmed by this news, forgetting she was angry with him to begin with. She looked at him in surprise and he looked out at the sky instead, visibly contemplating his options.  
“Okay.” Erin whispered.  
He looked at her, his eyes young and filled with relief. He really was scared to go back to the Resistance.  
“Okay.” He replied, and without sharing where they were going, Ben worked at the buttons to his right, entering coordinates Erin did not recognize and sent the ship into hyperspace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be going on a one month trip this Monday but I'm hoping to squeeze in another chapter before I leave! I can't promise anything but I really hope I'll be able to!


	23. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! It's been over a month because I've been traveling but I'm back and very excited to get back to my favorite characters again. Oh how I've missed them. This is a short update to get you guys back into the story, do stick around for the action that's coming though. Can't wait for you to read it.

They had been travelling for several hours now, after both spending the first hour or so in the cockpit of the spaceship in complete silence, Ben had told Erin to try and get some sleep. She had been pretending to do so four a while now. Ben knew this because he could sense her unrest as if it was his own. He let her pretend a little while longer, maybe eventually she’d find the peace she needed to fall asleep.  
His eyes were fixed upon the white and blue of the sky and stars blurring together in hyperspace and took a deep breath. The first deep breath he had been able to take ever since they had left the house. He could feel how the darkness had left him now, if only for a little while, and allowed himself to feel some relief. Ben had enjoyed breaking free from the hangar back at Naboo, like he had enjoyed the way it felt to be able to make his own decisions. Although he was scared and confused most of the time, he felt like he was discovering who he was without others telling him and escaping like that made him realize he was learning to like it.  
When he checked their course the neon blue of the screen told him they’d be traveling for at least a couple of hours before encountering any celestial bodies at all. The galaxy was lonely like that. He switched to autopilot the ship, taking the time to stretch his long legs. Grabbing his cloak, which he had been wearing ever since their escape, his fist clutching at the fabric as he walked out of the cockpit and into the small space the previous owner no doubt used to entertain his passengers. The small space was decorated minimally but tastefully, which confirmed Ben’s guess that the ship was mostly used recreationally.  
Erin was on the far right, curled up on the rust coloured upholstery of the bunk, her back toward him, close to the window that cast a blue light over her face. Her eyes were wide open, staring out at the galaxy but not seeing what was in front of her. Ben moved slow and quiet, his grip on his cloak loosening as he lifted it slightly, spreading it with both his hands to cover her small frame. She was so lost in thought she barely seemed to hear Ben approach her, startled just slightly by the fabric as it touched her skin. Her body didn’t move, only her eyes did as she tore them from the window to meet his gaze and Ben could see a pain in them she had long ago tried to bury. He sat down quietly, resting his hand on her hip as she two of them just stared at each other like that for a while. Just when he was about to say something, she spoke. Her voice quiet and strangely neutral, as if she was working hard not to show her true emotions.  
“What happens to your eyes?”  
Ben averted her gaze immediately, noticing how she was clutching her kyber crystal to her chest, it’s iridescent glow faint on the skin of her fingers.  
He could lie. It would make her worry less.  
He could lie. It would make things easier for him.  
He could lie.  
“The dark side of the Force.”  
But he didn’t. He never did. Not to her.  
When she frowned slightly Ben inhaled sharply through his lips, looking out of the window like she had been doing before. He had known about his eyes changing colour for a while now. It had happened the first night he thought Erin had left him, and it had been happening ever since. Paired with vivid and dark dreams, tantrums or moments of complete emptiness.  
“They say the power of the dark side takes a toll on the human body.”  
Her eyes were fixed upon him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look back at her.   
“It happens when the dark takes over.”  
Erin move under his cloak, pulling it over her knees and to her chest as if the fabric gave her some sort of comfort. He met her gaze now, expecting to see pity or fear but neither of those tainted her features. Instead her brow was strong and her eyes wide open, she was listening, observing almost.  
“Maybe it really is too late.” Ben said, voicing the fear that had kept him from talking about this very thing in the first place. When she didn’t reply he turned his back on her, staring down at his hands in his lap, hands that had killed so many. He heard her shift behind him and was surprised to feel her hands slip over his wide shoulders, her arms moving around his neck and her body pressed flush against his back.  
“Maybe you just need a little time to heal.” She whispered against his ear as she pulled him back. Ben protested at first, trying to stay upright but the woman was persistent, and he finally gave in. Letting her guide him down on his back. He willingly pulled his legs up on the bunkbed as far as possible and watched as she moved to lay down beside him, the black of his cloak wrapped around her like a blanket. He felt how her small hand slipped into his tense one and relaxed just slightly, listening to how she took in a deep breath, following her lead.  
  
***  
  
When she woke up Ben was already back in his seat, working at buttons as they made their transition onto another hyperlane. She watched him from the doorway to the cockpit, leaning against the cold metal that buzzed slightly as the ship moved out of hyperspace only to jump right back into it after a couple of turns.  
“Where are we going?” she asked.  
“Some place safe.” Ben answered without looking at her. “I think.”  
Erin grinned as she joined him and sat down in the seat next to him.  
“You think, huh? Well that’s reassuring.”  
Ben glared at her for a moment and Erin smiled just slightly, she enjoyed the simple banter that had grown between them, it felt almost normal. And normal made her think of her friends back at the Resistance. She sighed deeply, half dreading what she knew she had to do.  
“I should contact the Resistance. Let them know we had to change location.” She glanced over at Ben expecting him to flinch at the words, but he didn’t.  
“There’s a com unit next to the bunk.” He said, his voice unmoved.  
Erin smiled slightly, thankful he granted her privacy as she contacted her loved ones. She got up and leaned over toward him, her hand gently squeezing his broad shoulder. Erin was slightly surprised when he turned his head to the side to rest his cheek against her hand and closed his eyes. The man suddenly looked tired and she knew the grinning Ben that broke free from Naboo was still fighting a silent battle.  
“I’ll be right back.” Erin didn’t think her voice could be as gentle as it was with him lately and although it was hard to leave him behind with that lost look in his eyes, she knew he would manage, he’d be right there waiting for her like he had been all this time.

   
It took a little time to figure out how the com unit worked, the ship was brand new and its technology slightly different than anything Erin was used to. She was thankful the emergency information to contact the Resistance had not changed, it was a fool proof system, like a code or a secret language to help remember how to get in touch with their main base no matter the location.  Seemingly random to outsiders so the information couldn’t harm the Resistance in case of interrogation but easy enough to remember.  
It took a moment for the connection to settle, random noise and beeps filling the room until a familiar voice answered.  
 _“Hi.”  
_ Poe Dameron sounded tired but the sound of his voice made her heart skip a beat nonetheless. He knew it was her calling, and yet he answered. He had made the choice to talk to her, after everything that had been said and done. Erin closed her eyes and bit her lip for a moment, taking in a deep and silent breath in quiet gratitude.  
“It’s me.”    
 _“I know that.”  
_ The silence was awkward and raw and Erin was painfully aware that Ben could hear every word even though he wasn’t right here.  
“How are you?” the question was stupid and Erin realized this as soon as she spoke the words. Rolling her eyes in annoyance even before Poe got the chance to answer in anger. He sighed deeply first, angrily. Almost like a huff.  
 _“A kriffing First Order assassin? Are you serious?”  
_ Erin closed her eyes again, bracing herself for what was to come. So, Poe found out what exactly it was she had been doing at the First Order.   
_“I saw the wanted messages, Erin. Everyone did. They say you killed at least a dozen men.”_  
 She didn’t bother replying because she knew the man well enough to know he wasn’t done yet.  
 _“After everything you’ve been through. Everything you’ve done and been..everything we’ve done to help you.”  
_ He cursed quietly, almost inaudibly and they ended up right where every fight had started before. The darkness that tainted Erin ever since he had saved her from the arenas and how -in his eyes- she kept moving back to it. He would never believe her if she told him she did what she did to protect the Light, to _save_ someone else from that same darkness instead. Because Poe Dameron was always right. Maybe she had lost herself in the First Order. Maybe her mission had been an excuse to release the anger and aggression built up by years of trauma. It had been so easy and comfortable to hide behind the dark deeds she did for Hux.  
 _“You didn’t have to do it, Erin.”  
_ “I did.”   
Did she though? Had there really been no other way? Was Poe once again right? Had she waisted all his time in trying to help her adjust to Resistance life?  
 _“You chose to.”  
_ “Poe..”  
 _“You chose to do this for them, Erin. For him.”  
_ Suddenly the conversation took a volatile turn and Erin felt her emotions flare up. Where there had been shame and acknowledgement before there was now a fierce need to protect the person he so obviously blamed in all this.  
“He didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to. Ever.” Her voice was so stern it was answered with silence. Again painful and raw.  
“I called to tell you we had to move. The First Order figured out our previous location.”  
 _And we could have died,_ she wanted to add just to spite him but she didn’t.  
 _“Try one of the safe houses or outposts near the Outer Rim. They’re abandoned but you should be fine.”_  
They were talking business now, she could tell by the way she gritted her teeth as she spoke and the way his voice was flat. Every word sounded like an order.  
“Ben says he knows a place…” she caved, only for a moment, forgetting he wasn’t her friend right now but a commander.  
 _“Well perhaps he needs a reminder that Kylo Ren is no longer in command, Kaleo. This is your mission. Act like it.”  
_ “Fine.” Erin spat. High walls pulling up around her while she felt like screaming on the inside, aching for her best friend to forgive her.  
 _“Report back once you arrive.”_  
And just like that Poe Dameron broke the connection, before she could even ask him about Eloi or Leia.

 

***  
  
She returned exceptionally calm after the conversation he had just overheard.  
He didn’t mean to listen, which was why he had told her to use the other commlink in the first place, but it been hard not to. Their voices loud and her emotions even louder.  
Ben was unsure what to say, if it was wise to say anything at all when he eyed Erin closely. The woman was a volcano about to erupt, he could feel it, but on the outside she looked eerily composed. He noticed how she had used the same trick back at the First Order whenever she had been undoubtedly scared or unsure. A façade. Something he was more than familiar with.  
Erin didn’t tell him to change course, she didn’t tell him to change location and listen to her or the Resistance, instead she took the seat beside him, her back rigid and her eyes fixed upon the stars beyond. She moved only to note the time of contact in their log files after which she checked the estimated time of arrival in silence.  
“You don’t need to be fixed, Erin.” Ben’s voice was serious and solemn, an echo of Kylo Ren or was it an uncanny resemblance to Luke?  
“What?” Erin looked up from her pretend busy work in confusion.  
“Dameron thinks he can fix you. He thinks he did. And that what you did for the Order..for me.. somehow broke that girl.” He said, stern because he needed her to believe him.  
Erin looked at him long and hard, her eyes softening only slightly but Ben could feel the wall was still up. It was still holding in the storm. Of course, they had not been different to her. Of course, they were still afraid of anything that was different, anything that was stronger and unpredictable. His mother, her trusted fly-boy. They were so good at making others feel like they weren’t enough, like they needed saving, fixing, changing. And when one wasn’t worth saving anymore, they would just send them away, dismiss them, leave them alone in the dark. He understood how Erin felt like no other because the same had been done to him. He refused to stand by and let it happen to her. He refused to let her believe she was something less because of the darkness and power within her.  
“You’re not broken. You’re remarkable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm already working on the next chapter so keep an eye out for another update this week!


	24. Temple

“Where are we going?”  
Erin asked this for the third time and once again Ben didn’t answer. Instead he took on a pace that was hard for her to keep up with.

They had arrived at a planet that was lush and wild, rocky and green. It wasn’t exactly cold but after the heat of Naboo the fresh breeze made the hairs on her skin rise. They had left the ship at the edge of a mountain, in the middle of a clearing in the woods, and had climbed their way up. It wasn’t exactly a path they were following, it seemed more as if it was the easiest route to navigate the large rocks and slippery sand in between them. Ben however, seemed to know exactly where he was going. Erin couldn’t help but notice that he seemed more tense the further they went, his emotions a mix of anticipation and anxiety.  
It was still strange to see him anywhere else than the Supremacy, surrounded by trees and bathing in light he didn’t look as dangerous as he had seemed before. His rigid demeanour seemed to chip away at the edges as well, his movements more natural and little gestures she had not noticed before becoming part of his ways. Like the way he ran his hand through his hair whenever the wind blew it in his face or even when it wasn’t in his face at all. It had grown long now, touching his shoulders and Erin wondered if he would ever let her do such an intimate thing as cutting it. The stubble on his chin and lips made him look older but it also took away some of the formality that had surrounded him back at the Order, a place so organised and strict.  
“We should spend the night in the ship because I think it will rain soon, but I want to show you something.”  
Ben glanced back over his shoulder and Erin could swear he looked amused at how she had to put in effort to reach and climb over the boulders he could easily step up.  
“After the rain we could try and stay there.”  
“Rain?”  
Erin looked around and couldn’t see much else but blue skies and maybe some small clouds on the horizon.  
“You’ll see.” He grinned.  
That rare and brand-new Ben Solo grin. Careful, no teeth, but twinkling eyes filled with mischief and it made Erin’s heart skip a beat. When he turned and resumed his climb, Erin was quick to follow and noticed how they now reached a type of plain consisting of smooth rock and in front of them was a structure. Narrow and high and completely sculpted out of the mountain itself while everything around it was flat, like one big stone with a building on top of it. On top of it were four narrow pillars and the remains of what looked like the fifth. It was beautiful and Erin could tell there was a mysterious significance to this place because even though she had never been here before it felt very familiar. Like déjà vu but stronger.  
“What is this place?” Erin mumbled as the wind picked up and started to pull at her hair. She quickly smoothed it back, pulling it over one shoulder and into the collar of her shirt.  
“We should hurry.” Ben surprised her by taking her hand and pulling her along. He glanced around as if the wind was telling him something and hurried to the structure, squeezing her hand just a little too tight. Was he scared?  
There were stone steps that led up to an entrance with no door and when they entered the building Erin immediately understood why he felt anxious. The narrow hallway was tall and long, with even smaller hallways connected to it, hidden by doors. At the far end of the hall was a beam of light coming from the high ceiling, the beam shone down on something that looked very similar to an altar, but it was empty.  
“This is a temple…” Erin breathed. She felt something tickle in her pocket but ignored it as she looked at Ben instead, waiting for answers.  
“It’s a Jedi temple, yes.”  
“Are there other temples?” Erin’s question was sincere but seemed to amuse Ben.  
“Well, there’s Sith temples.” He replied. “And temples we don’t know the origin of. Luke used to think they were from a time before space travel.”  
“A time before space travel? How is that even possible…” Erin blurted out and Ben grinned again.  
“Hard to imagine, I know.” He replied patiently and let go of her hand to walk deeper into the temple.  
“You’ve been here before. With Luke?”  
“I spent some time here with Luke, just before my trials.”  
Erin felt dumb, as if Ben was speaking this entirely new language she couldn’t figure out and she decided to remain quiet, not asking all the question that were racing through her mind. There was so much she didn’t know of this world and so much Ben _did_ know. Seeing him talk about this time where he had been a different person made her feel like there was a strange distance between them. A distance only she seemed to feel.  
“The Trials of Knighthood are an old-fashioned system used on young Force users so they can prove themselves worthy to a Jedi High Council. Or, in my case, the infamous Master Skywalker.”  
Ben’s sarcasm was undeniable, but Erin was grateful for his explanation.  
“I never finished mine, in case you wanted to ask.”  
Erin followed him closely as he walked up to the beam of light.  
“Why not?”  
The silence coming from Ben was deafening as he suddenly froze, his hands balled into fists as he answered her question after a few strained breaths.  
“Snoke.”  
Erin fought the urge to apologize as Ben moved again, his footsteps filling the space with a solemn echo.  
“I would _technically_ still be a Padawan in Jedi terms.”  
There it was again, that grin and Erin felt a weight fall off her shoulders as Ben seemed to be healing. Slowly, but surely, in front of her eyes.  
“And the Sith?” Erin asked carefully. “Snoke wasn’t a one of them, was he?”  
Ben pursed his lips, contemplating the question as he stood by the alter, the light illuminating the scar-free side of his face while the other half was in the dark.  
“Snoke was something else. Something older. He didn’t exactly deny the ways of the Sith, nor the Jedi religion. He made me use everything I had learned with Luke and asked me to deny it at the same time. He was a very fickle master.”  
“Did he hurt you?” Erin realized they had never talked about this and she knew it was because he would’ve never been honest before. But something in her told her they were ready for this conversation, for these questions to be asked and answered truthfully. Ben gazed down, his eyes no longer visible to her as he answered slowly.  
“Yes.”  
“Did Skywalker?”  
“Yes.”  
“Why did we come here, Ben?”   
He looked up now, the eye in the light looked fluid and Erin could tell how the outside of his iris was a little lighter than the dark brown in the middle. His eye in the dark looked black. Somehow those eyes combined told her how he felt about this place. Conflicted, like everything in his past.  
“Because it was the last place I remember feeling safe with Luke. It’s the last place I remember feeling safe at all.”   
  
***  
  
Ben had known because of the wind that the rain would come. He had stayed here long enough when he was younger to learn the way the weather shifted suddenly when the wind picked up. It had arrived faster than he had anticipated though as the two of them stood in the door opening of the temple, looking out at the rain that came pouring down.  
“You were right.” Erin said, a hint of surprise in her voice.  
“Always am.” Ben joked.   
He was still getting used to how easy it felt to tease her. They had done it before but mostly in training, when the distraction of combat made him let down his guard with her. This was different but he liked it. He liked how she would shove him playfully, or how she rolled her eyes at him. It made her come alive, opening up like a flower, just for him.   
“Come on.” He said, turning to head back into the temple as the rain worsened outside. The wind blowing in water through the few windows in the temple.  
“Looks like we’re staying here tonight.” Erin said, her voice uncertain.   
“Well, it isn’t so bad.” Ben replied as he used the Force to open one of the small doors along the temple’s main hallway. The hall beyond was dark and smelled like rain, it was cold and moist as the two of them walked through the dark.  
Ben turned as he saw a faint light coming from behind him and noticed how Erin was holding the crystal she had found. It’s light looked like moonlight, pearly white and strangely soothing.  
“It’s been acting strange in my pocket all day.”  
“It feels the temple.” Ben said as he stepped aside, allowing Erin to walk in front of him, holding the crystal up so they could see where they were walking. When she hesitated, he directed where to go as they went deeper into the maze that was the temple.  
“It’s an unusual colour.” Ben finally said.  
Erin looked at her crystal as if she was worried that meant something was wrong with it.  
“I haven’t seen it do that before. I know it can, I know it has for some. It suits you.”  
This made her smile slightly, her hand tightening around the kyber proudly as she resumed to walk. There was something about her pride that sparked joy within him and he fought the urge to reach out and run his fingers through her hair.  
“It should be right here.” Ben whispered as he reached up and gently directed Erin’s hand toward the wall, searching for a door. When he found it it opened immediately and the both of them walked in.  
The room instantly filled with soft golden light, welcoming them. Ben was happy to see there was still enough wood for a fire since the rain had taken any heat from the air outside and turned the stone walls of the temple damp and cold. Ben started to work on it immediately, glancing back to watch Erin study her surroundings every so often.  
She ran her hands over the linen of small bed, let her fingertips journey over the stone of a table, picked up small ornaments and instruments and Ben could tell she was completely confused as to what they were. He still had a lot to teach her and the thought of doing so made him oddly happy. He wanted her to know everything, not only what Snoke had thought him but the old ways of the Jedi was well. Especially the parts he liked. He was curious to her vision on both the Jedi and Sith religion and eager to form something new, together. Something stronger and better and balanced. Something like what the Force felt like between them.  
“These are housing quarters. For the Jedi that would come to the temple for rituals or exile. We should be safe here, for now.”  
“There’s no technology?”  
“Not anymore. But you can contact your friends in the morning, once the rain is gone. The trail back is too dangerous in this weather.”

  
Ben had shown Erin where the blankets and food portions were kept and the two of them easily divided chores to prepare the quarters for the night in comfortable silence. Erin seemed to have temporarily forgotten the grief for her home and the hurt caused by her best friend and Ben was happy to see her curious and busy. For now.  
Ben grinned when his ability to make a fire did not fail him after all these years and once the logs started to burn and produce heat he got up and returned to Erin who sat down on the small bed and smiled ever so slightly.  
“Thank you for showing me this.”  
“Thank you for trusting me.” Ben said as he took off his cloak and put it around her shoulders.  
“Why did you take these?” she asked as she gestured to his torn black robes.  
“I didn’t feel worthy to wear your father’s clothes after what I did to them. These seemed more suiting.”  
Ben looked at her now and saw confusion in the crease of her brow. He had not been ready to tell her what had happened, what had rattled him to the bone and made his eyes turn amber.  
“What I did to that woman…it wasn’t right. I know that now.”  
“What happened?”  
He knew Erin wasn’t easily shaken, he also knew she had done terrible things to others too but all of it had been to survive. Ben had done this out of cruelty, because he enjoyed it.  
“I didn’t have to kill her. She was out, unable to harm us, but I did it anyway.”  
“You did what you had to so we could survive.” Erin tried, her voice gentler than he deserved.  
Ben shook his head, his hair falling in front of his eyes.  
“I woke her up, made sure she had time to catch her breath.”  
Ben remembered her eyes and the way they looked at him.  
“I let her think she would survive and then I killed her, painfully, slowly and I _enjoyed_ it. I made her feel like the blood under her skin was boiling, until it _was_. I wanted her to scream, I needed to hear it. She died because the pain was too much to take.”  
Ben paused, shaking his head in disgust. “Her heart stopped before I wanted it to.”  
“You can do that?” Erin breathed and Ben looked up.  
“I…”  
He wanted to explain, to apologize or ask her for forgiveness but when he saw her eyes, he realized he had misunderstood her question. It took him a while to figure out that she had meant her words in some strange awe. There was a hunger in those dark eyes that made him realize they were not so different after all, she understood this need for control, this need for power because if you could hurt others, they couldn’t hurt you. Erin had not lied when she told him she didn’t want Kylo Ren to disappear. He realized she would support every part of him, even the parts he struggled with to keep from her. He had been staring at those eyes for seconds now, his lips parted in equal awe as his glance darted down to take in the rest of that beautiful face. His hand came up to her cheek, cupping her face in his hand, his fingers tangled in her hair. He could tell she wanted to speak, her cheeks flushed suddenly, and he could feel her shame. She knew she wasn’t supposed to love this part of him, but she did.  
“Don’t.” He breathed, shaking his head as he leaned in. Her breath hot against his lips as she glanced down at his. Her mind was racing just like her heart, he could practically hear it. She was telling herself this was wrong, that she shouldn’t want to know how to make someone’s blood boil, that she shouldn’t want him for being able to do it. But Ben knew he thrilled her in a way no other man ever had and part of it was because of his darkness. He could feel the conflict within her, it sparked a strange annoyance within him.  
“Don’t.” he growled quietly, his fingers tugging slightly at her hair as he shook his head again. The room was filled with a strange mix of dark desire and imposed shame.  
“Ben..” Erin protested quietly, her voice close to a moan.   
Ben moved his other hand to her other cheek, making him look at her, shaking his head again.  
“It’s okay to admire power, my love.”   
He caressed her cheeks now, her hair, her head, as if he wanted to sooth these feelings of shame out of the both of them.  
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”  
“They put you in a cage to fight for your life. It’s not wrong to want to feel safe, Erin.”  
“I shouldn’t want you to kill anyone for me.”    
“You know I will.”  
It was her turn to shake her head now and Ben could feel her cheeks burning against his hands. The darkness was winning inside of her, he could feel it. This in turn, thrilled him in a way no other woman had ever done to him. Her shifting from dark to light and everything in between, so full of burning emotions and power, lead completely by the Force in a way so raw she seemed to be a force of nature at times. He didn’t understand how anyone would want to tame this side of her.  
“You shouldn’t..” she whispered and the silky tone that crept into her voice made his heart skip a beat.  
“Maybe not.” Ben answered, the shame of his actions suddenly fading even though he knew they had been wrong.  
“Definitely not..” Erin answered as her hands moved up to the collar of his shirt.  
“You don’t need me anyway.” Ben said as his hands travelled up Erin’s crossed legs to her knees, hooking his hands under her legs, pulling her closer and into his lap. Her arms quickly found their way around his neck as she straddled him, a grin playing around her beautiful lips as she looked down at him. Ben let his hands wander up her back, trailing up her spine to play with her hair.  
“You know I do.”  
Ben had always dreamed of being wanted, but knowing he was _needed_ was more than he had ever hoped for so he pressed his lips against hers forcefully. Holding her so close it must hurt her a little, her quiet gasp confirming his suspicion. She returned the favour by nipping at his lip, squeezing her legs up and into his side, her fingertips pressing into his arms as he trailed his lips down her neck. As they let their passion for each other take over Ben realized this place must be some kind of magic, once again making him feel safe even in the middle of war.

 

***

  
So maybe Poe’s words _had_ triggered something within her. Maybe she just had not healed the way she thought she had. But something inside of her had always been attracted to Kylo Ren’s dark side. Maybe it was some type of confirmation that it could also prove useful to give in to that darkness, or maybe she just felt understood. But when Ben told her what he had done she knew she should’ve felt scared or worried, she told herself to feel that way, she could even hear Poe’s voice tell her this was wrong, that she had a problem, like he used to whenever she’d end up in fights back at the Resistance. But what Ben told her did the opposite to her, it made her feel fascinated and curious and knowing he had done what he did _for her, for them_ , stirred a wild desire within her. It made her feel safe and invincible in a way she had never before, suddenly realizing that with Ben by her side she could face anything. No one had ever been willing to go this far for her. She had wanted him so badly she no longer cared about wrong or right. This was true to her. Ben was right, it wasn’t wrong to want to feel safe. It wasn’t wrong to feel attracted to the man who could give her that. Who _did_ give her that.   
  
  
Erin was sure there would be bruises. From Ben and the bed that was essentially cut out of stone and too small for two because the Jedi would’ve never approved of what happened between them. Ben’s head rested on her chest, he was still panting slightly as she played with his hair and wondered if there could be anything that felt better than making love to this man. Ben looked down while he ran his fingers over scars on her hip, trailing his fingertip to her bellybutton and down to the sheets that covered her legs. He stopped at a scar just under her bellybutton, straight and unusually dark. Erin could feel him touch it and she closed her eyes, wishing he wouldn’t ask how she had gotten it.  
“This was done with purpose.” Ben mused, propping himself up on his elbow to examine the mark.   
“The line is too straight and thin, this isn’t from battle, this was done by a droid.” He murmured and Erin looked up at the ceiling to roll her eyes. Ben Solo, _always_ right.  
“Yep.” She said as she pulled the sheets up but was stopped by Ben. This suddenly made her feel naked, which she was, but usually she didn’t mind too much. Not with him.  
“What is it?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Erin.” Ben’s eyes shot up to her, stern and demanding which made it hard to lie but she really didn’t want to talk about it.  
“It was the chip they give slaves. We got it out.”  
Ben sat up now, glaring down at her and Erin knew she was caught in a lie.  
“Those go in at the back of the neck and the scar is _usually_ barely visible. Yours is taken out but that’s not what this is.”  
“How do you know?”  
“I’ve seen the scar in your sleep, it’s done sloppily but I’m sure efficiently or we would’ve noticed at the Supremacy.”   
There was something deeply intimate about knowing Ben saw those details of her while she slept.   
“It’s not like I can easily reach the back of my neck.” Erin figured -against better judgement- if she would just keep talking, he’d eventually let the subject go.  
“You did it yourself?” Ben said in honest surprise.  
“Poe. And we were in a hurry.”   
This was true. Poe had to take the chip out in the middle of their escape while Erin took care of Eloi. His work had been a lot less gentle.  
“Erin..”  
She sighed, realizing that no matter how much she talked Ben wouldn’t forget his initial question. He sat next to her now, his bare chest rising and falling slowly to his steady breath.  
“Yes?”  
“The scar.”  
“It’s nothing. Just a medical procedure at the arenas. They do it to the females, or to males in case their species differ from ours when it comes to procreation.”   
“You mean..if they carry the offspring.”  
“Yes.”   
“They took that from you?”  
Erin shrugged slightly and tried to change the subject, feeling extremely awkward to be talking about such personal matters. She had never really thought about it before because most of her life she had been busy surviving herself. Now that Ben framed his question that way she started to realize they had taken part of her freedom even now that she was free. The arenas would always haunt her, they would always keep her once step behind.   
“It’s a precautional matter.”  This was what she had made herself believe.  
“They did _that_ to you?” Ben growled now as he realized why the precaution could be necessary, and his eyes turned dark as he sat up straight. His fists balled and his brow furrowed. Erin sat up quickly and shook her head.  
“No…you remember this?” she pointed at her jaw. “It was the only time they tried. They didn’t succeed.”  
Ben seemed to exhale in relief, moving closer now, his fingertips traveling over the sheets to touch hers as his eyes found the thin scar again.  
“Did it hurt?”  
Erin shook her head.  
“I don’t remember much of it, it happened just after I got there.”  
She had expected him to look at her in pity, to see sadness in his eyes and feel it within him through the Force but he once again surprised her. Ben’s eyes were filled with pride and admiration and his emotions were close to curiosity. He moved closer to lay down next to her, propped up against the pillows they had gathered from the other housing quarters, pulling her next to him. Erin willingly rested her head on his chest as he pulled the sheets up and over her. The fire not far from them had dimmed to a soft crackle and glowing embers, making the room comfortably warm.  
“How did you adjust?”  
Ben’s voice was careful, as if he was treading onto a path he wasn’t sure he was ready to take just yet. Testing those unfamiliar waters. She knew he was asking a different question within those words. _How would he ever adjust?_  
“I didn’t, at first.” Erin answered honestly. “I was a mess. Much worse than Eloi, he adjusted so easily.”  
Ben was playing with her hair now, something he had never done before, the gesture seemed natural.  
“I ended up in fights more than once. Ran off occasionally although the thought of leaving Eloi behind always brought me back. Eventually, with the patience of the Resistance, I learned how to trust.”  
Ben still tensed up at the mention of the Resistance, his fingertips pressing into the skin of her shoulder a little harder than a caress.  
“I found a family in a time where I had no hope. They fought for me even when I didn’t want them to. They never gave up on me, not even when I had already given up on myself.”  
Erin pushed herself up to look at him now because the words rang true for the both of them. She was his link to the Resistance, the person who would fight for him no matter what, who would never give up on him. She needed him to know that.  
“I know how you feel about your family, Ben. She couldn’t be there for you because she had to be there for all of us. I know that doesn’t fix things, but she saved me. She saved a lot of us.”  
Ben’s face was blank and Erin knew she had pushed him too far, there was only so much he could take and he was taking steps. He pursed his lips the way he did when he was annoyed and tried to keep in his anger.  
“She wouldn’t save me.” He replied, and instead of anger there was only pain left in his voice.


	25. Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day, you say? Yes! I promised you another update last week but didn't follow through. To make it up to you I have another short yet intense update. I promise you won't have to deal with this cliffhanger for very long though.

The rain proved to be persistent. Keeping them in the temple for several days in which Erin practiced her control of the Force. Ben watched mostly and helped whenever she would allow him to. Before, the Force had manifested itself in her mostly when her emotions had been intense and in ways she couldn’t recreate on demand. Ben was surprised to find she was extremely dedicated and disciplined when she wanted to be. It seemed to be in contradiction with her wild nature.  
He found her in the main hall, where he had last seen her several hours ago, meditating on the ground. He took the time to watch her, leaning against the cold stone of a pillar as he crossed his arms, opening up to the Force only enough to feel the ripples of power in it emitting from her. He was so curious, so intrigued with the Force, he always had been until the dark manipulation of Snoke had tainted part of that innocent curiosity and it turned into arrogant hunger. Seeing Erin explore the Force was as if he was discovering it again for the first time and in some ways he was. Her ways were organically _grey_ , shifting and balancing between light and dark without judgement, only curiosity, greeting all sides of that all-encompassing Force.  
Her eyes opened now, and her face was drawn in concentration as her hands rose up in the air slowly, hovering just over her knees. All around her were objects, big and small, floating in the air in complete stillness. Total control.  
Ben pushed himself from the wall and walked into the hall, his footsteps echoing, making her concentration waver for just a moment as the objects were still afloat but moving slightly.  
“Focus.” Ben encouraged as he approached her.  
Erin did, regaining her focus and adding to her collection of objects by taking his lightsaber from his belt and balancing it next to her, seemingly effortless. Ben smiled slightly as he kneeled down beside her. He reached out to push her hair back, his fingertips brushing past the delicate skin of her neck and noticed how one of the rocks farthest away trembled.  
Erin took in a deep breath, her eyes fixed upon the altar beyond where raindrops were falling down and gathering in a pool adorned by ancient Jedi art. It was dark outside, the usual beam of light was absent.  
Ben watched closely, feeling pride well up inside him as she lifted even more objects around them. She was clearly showing off. He remembered this was something she had hardly mastered just before she was taken away from him. Had she practiced without him? Had she practised with the Resistance? Did someone help her?  
Ben let his hand linger at the base of her neck before slowly running it over her shoulder and down her back. Leaning in so close he could breathe on the tender skin just under her ear as he whispered.  
“Stay focused.”  
He could see how she swallowed and up close like this he could see her heartbeat speed up by the way her blood pumped through her veins quicker now. Ben pressed his lips to her neck, knowingly pushing her, making matters worse by nipping at her skin.  
She dropped the objects, not out of failure but out of playful annoyance.  
“You said you’d help me.” Erin shot him an accusing glare.  
“I was.”  
As her gaze met his they both knew the truth, Ben couldn’t help but smirk. He just wanted her to come to bed, to share the small space that was the first thing in forever that felt safe to him. He wanted to enjoy it before anything would take it away from them again. He wanted her by his side so his heart would be the thing racing instead of his mind.  
“Will you help me build a lightsaber?” Erin asked bluntly, holding the kyber crystal that nowadays was dangling at a place Ben would kill to kiss right now. She had managed to make a necklace out of old threads she had found around the temple.  
“What?” Ben asked in slight confusion, her question had taken him by surprise, however reasonable.  
“I don’t want to use Bass’s.”  
Ben felt slightly guilty when his education told him this wasn’t the way things were done, he had fought so hard to kill the Jedi religion, he had no right to hold on to only parts of it. At the same time, he understood the practical need for a weapon, and he wanted her to have this. She deserved it. His doubts were overruled by a strong sense of conviction as soon as they had manifested. They were paving a new road together, new traditions and ways were inevitably going to be a part of it.  
“Of course.” He nodded, convinced now this had to happen as soon as possible. “We can go to the ship tomorrow and gather whatever we can use.”  
Erin nodded in return, handing him back his own lightsaber but leaving the other objects on the stone floor, which had mystically warmed up since they came here.  
“Thank you.”  
The smile she gave him could light up his entire galaxy.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Erin wasn’t sure if it was the temple or growing closer to Ben but since they had arrived here her nightmares had been absent. She felt rested for the first time in maybe a year at this unfamiliar place but that all changed that night.    
It wasn’t so much a nightmare, it was the intense sense of doom that made it impossible to sleep soundly. She was overwhelmed by fear and anxiety, a sense of searching and desperation as she found herself running around without a body in a space that was invisible. It was the sense of running, or searching, of longing. There was no other way to describe it, something was _wrong_.  
When she woke up gasping for air, bathing in sweat with hair sticking to her forehead and neck, Ben was already awake. His eyes seemed just as alarmed as she felt yet he was calm beside her, pulling her into his side firmly, almost protectively as he whispered in the dark.  
“You’re okay.”  
“Something’s wrong.” Erin whispered, still out of breath.  
“I know.” Ben confirmed.  
“What?” She looked up at him in the faint glow of morning in confusion. Ben took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead before getting out of bed and into his clothes.  
“I felt it too.” He said as he worked at the buttons of his shirt.  
“What are you doing?” Erin asked.  
“We’re going back to the ship. We need to find out what’s going on.”  
Erin got up now too, purposefully searching for her clothes, putting them on as fast as she could as Ben passed her her shoes. Anxiety was tangible in the air as they left the rest of their things and rushed down the temple hallways. Ben was quick but kept looking back, making sure Erin was alright and following him, which made her think he could actually be scared.  
The feeling from her dream did not go away when she woke up, it had only grown stronger, almost making her nauseous with anxiety. When they came outside the sun was barely setting, the stones cold and branches of trees still dripping from the rain.  
  
The way down to the ship was difficult, the stones slippery and half of them either washed away or buried under mud. Both Ben and Erin slipped and fell numerous times in their hurry to rush down to their only means of communication with the outside world. When they reached the foot of the mountain they were both covered in mud and scrapes, finding the ship just as shiny and new as they had left it.  
Erin was first to enter it, rushing to the commlink in the cockpit as Ben was close behind her, turning on the power. Erin worked at the com unit not caring if Ben could see how exactly she contacted the Resistance. She trusted them with her life, which meant she trusted him with theirs.  
As she looked back, she saw how Ben used the main communication feed to check on any galaxy wide threat or development, which would usually be big news throughout the systems. As she waited for the unit to connect her to the Resistance she knew who would pick up even before she heard him and somehow this confirmed her suspicion of distress.  
_“E, is that you?”_  
Eloi’s voice sounded young and in complete panic. Erin couldn’t tell if he was crying but somehow she knew he had been.  
_“E, please. Please, are you there?”_  
Ben looked at her with alarmed eyes, immediately abandoning the screens to join her by her side. He may not care about the Resistance but Erin knew he could feel her heart break as if it was his own.  
“I’m here.” Erin wanted to be there, not here. “I’m here. What’s wrong?!”  
_“Thank the Force…”_ the boy exclaimed in slight relief. _“…I tried to contact you. I was so worried, E.”_  
“What happened, Eloi?” Erin was stern now, impatient because every fibre of her being was telling her something was wrong.

“ _It’s Poe.”_  
  



	26. Crash

Erin’s heart sank, although Ben’s gaze suddenly turned away from her and was fixed on the woods outside, she could feel his hand on her lower back.   
_“He didn’t come back. All the others are back…”  
_ Eloi was audibly upset and worried but hearing he didn’t come back was actually a relief to Erin. When she heard Eloi’s voice telling her there was something wrong with Poe she had immediately expected the worst. Instead he was telling her Poe didn’t come back from a mission, not that he was sitting by his dead body. No body meant he could still very well be alive.  _  
“No one knows what happened. We haven’t reached him and we are relocating and what if something happened or what if he doesn’t know where to go and what...”_    
Erin swallowed and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to centre herself because she knew she had to be strong for this boy. Even from a distance. It was a habit she had long ago mastered.  
“Slow down…” another deep breath and she could hear how Eloi breathed with her on the other side of the galaxy. One, two, three breaths.  
“Where was the mission to?” Ben asked Erin quietly, gesturing to the commlink before he turned back to the screens in front of him. His face was blank, his actions pragmatic.  
“Eloi, where’s Leia?” Erin had to get the facts first to assess the gravity of the situation. Poe had his own agenda half of the time, working on covert missions for Leia.  
 _“She’s at the new base.”  
_ “And Connix?”  
 _“She told me to contact you.”  
_ Eloi spoke slower now, as if her voice alone seemed to reassure him, if only slightly.  
“Who are the others and what do they know?”   
_“Black Squadron. They were attacked and lost each other during retreat. They’re looking bad, Erin…the ships too.”  
_ Erin closed her eyes again and bit her lip, her mind racing a million miles an hour, assessing every possibility and outcome.  
“Do you know where this happened?”  
Erin heard rustling and a ticking noise and the commlink beeped, showing a message with coordinates which she immediately shared with Ben.  
 _“What if he’s..”_ Eloi started.  
“Don’t.” Erin said sternly.   
_“But what if..”  
_ “He isn’t.”  
“There’s nothing. No updates, nothing.” Ben shook his head, his eyes still scanning the screens with blue neon aurebesh.  
“How long has it been?” Erin asked Eloi again, unsure if she wanted the answer.  
 _“The others came back yesterday morning.”  
_ Eloi’s breathing was uneven again and Erin could tell he started to panic, she could _feel it_ , even with the distance between them. The boy was rambling on the other side of the galaxy and Erin stared at the metal wall of the ship for a moment, unsure of what to do.  
“Eloi, listen to me. You need to calm down.”  
More rambling, farther away now and Erin could practically see him pacing.  
“Listen.” She said, her eyes shifting to Ben’s, who were intently looking down. “I’m coming.”  
“ _You are?_ ”  
As Eloi said the words, Ben’s eyes shot up, asking her the same thing but without words.  
“I’ll be there as soon as I can. I want you to keep trying Black One as well as BB-8 okay?”  
“ _Okay_.”  
“Okay. I’ll be there soon.”  
“ _Okay, E_.”   
“Okay.”   
  
***  
  
The way they said okay made Ben think the word meant more to them than he knew. Almost like a small ritual, done over and over again at crucial and emotional times. As Erin broke the connection he got up, his back straight and tense as he looked down at her, unsure what to say or do. He felt torn between what he wanted and what he was capable of. He wanted to get her home to her friends, he wanted to be that man for her, but the thought of going back to his mother after what he had done was too much. Erin did not look at him, she stared straight ahead, all life drained from her face while she considered the possibility of losing a loved one. He wanted to speak, but the words wouldn’t come so he was grateful when she spoke instead.   
“I have to go.” She said, looking up at him.   
“I promised I would never force you to do anything. But _I_ need to go. I’ll come back once…”   
She got up slowly and Ben could tell her hands were trembling.  
“Take the ship.” Was all Ben could muster to say, a small offering.   
Erin shook her head and reached a trembling hand out to the screens in front of her.  
“Where are we?”  
Ben heard her voice change. She didn’t talk to him like she had to Eloi, she was on a mission now, like she had been before. Her neck stiff and her jaw tense as she pulled out the charts.  
Ben reached out, his fingers working at the blue lines, zooming in to point out their location. Was she angry with him?  
“If we’re here…” Erin mumbled while working the charts herself, figuring out the distance between where they were and where she had to go. Ben felt strangely uncomfortable as Erin made no secret out of the Resistance base location in front of him. He had been searching for them for so long it seemed strange to be able to get that information so easily now. Her trust in him so complete.  
She turned to look back at him, her dark eyes intense and her brows drawn which reminded him of  their first training sessions together. A strange kind of nostalgia washed over him, if only for a moment.  
“How many escape pods does this ship have?”  
“A ship this size should have two.”  
“Would they include hyperdrives?”  
Ben narrowed his eyes as he understood where this was going.  
“They should be equipped with a hyperdrive, yes. But…”  
“I’ll take one of those. The Resistance is close enough, I can make it.”  
Before he could disagree with her, Erin was already leaving the cockpit in search of the pods, Ben was quick to follow her. He didn’t stop her however, he didn’t tell her he’d come with her. He didn’t share the options he went over in this mind. He was just quiet as he watched her enter the escape pod and check if everything was working. Her kyber crystal dangling from her neck, glowing faintly, almost protectively. Ben realized there would always be something in between them. Her love for this other man, her unbreakable bond with the boy and her connection the Resistance. All of it still formed a gap between that he could not bridge.   
She was slipping through his fingers and he was letting it happen.  
When she turned to face him again something had shifted between them, the realization of an inevitable and sudden goodbye. This turned the warrior in front of him into a human again as her face softened and her eyes grew damp. She reached out and up, gently placing her hand against his cheek.  
“You could come with me.”  
It wasn’t a demand, it wasn’t even a question, it was an opening. A door Ben kept shut as he shook his head. He wasn’t ready. And even if he was he wouldn’t want Erin to have to deal with the side-effects of bringing a war criminal home in the midst of all her distress.  
“There’s no place for me there.”  
Erin was quick to shake her head and rise to her toes, pressing an almost aggressive kiss to his lips. Ben answered it eagerly, knowing fully well he wouldn’t get to do this very soon again. His hands found their way to her small waist, pulling her closer to him and he wanted to pick her up and carry her all the way back to the temple, where she was safe and his alone. Instead he pulled back reluctantly, surprised as her eyes were strong and determined as she spoke.  
“There’s always a place for you there. With the Resistance. With the others. _With me_.”  
Ben pressed his fingertips into her for just a moment longer, as if holding on to her like this meant she would stay and then he let go.  
“Be careful, _sweetheart_.”  
There was no resentment in her eyes, no disappointment because she had expected something different from him. She had kept her promise, she would never make him do anything. In turn he would assure her freedom, as long as he was alive she would never be caged again.  
“Don’t do anything stupid.” Ben warned.  
“You know I will.”   
Erin joked and he really wish she hadn’t because he needed to believe she would stay safe and they would be reunited as soon as that damn Resistance pilot would show up alive and well.  
“I’ll be back soon.” She said, pressing a kiss to his cheek and Ben could tell she believed it.   
  
  
***  
  
  
Leaving Ben behind was harder than she thought it would be, but she couldn’t make him follow where he didn’t want to go. She had promised him not to and although it broke her heart to be torn apart, she knew she’d do anything to get back to him as soon as she could. She had left the ship with him in case the First Order would find out about his whereabouts, knowing he’d be able to get out after seeing him pilot the ship before.  
The escape pod was small but large enough to carry at least three people. It’s interior was in the same luxurious style as the main ship and Erin wondered how people could live their lives, buying luxury spacecrafts for themselves, while there was a war going on. Most of her life she had been aware of the war, the false peace the First Order used as propaganda had never reached the arenas, a place that had always been evil. Many people followed the First Order out of fear or even worse, out of hope, and the Resistance tried their best to tip the scales but Erin often wondered if such a thing was even possible. It was more her belief that they should fight each battle as it came, saving what they could and who they could, until their time was up. It wasn’t up to her to change the world, she did not have that power, but what she _could_ do was change a life and she had long ago promised to change Eloi’s for the better.

Piloting the escape vehicle was a bit uncomfortable at first and Erin fought not to look back and see Ben standing out by the ship that she had just left. She knew exactly what the look on his face would be and she couldn’t bear the thought of that being the last thing she remembered of him if anything would happen to her.  As she got the hang of flying the pod and made herself comfortable with its controls her thoughts went out to Poe and their last conversation. Being angry with him for leaving Eloi behind and being too proud to return home was easier than admitting he might really be in trouble. She imagined him hyped up in his cockpit, ready for adventure, ignoring orders just so he could be a hero one more time, save one more life, destroy one more ship.  
“Damn it, Dameron.” She mumbled to herself and as she shook her head she could feel a tear roll down her cheek. Erin was quick to wipe it off, working at the controls to make sure there was nothing on her route before sending the escape pod into hyperspeed.   
  
***  
  
Ben stood and watched until all he could see was the tiny dot that was her escape pod disappear into hyperspace. He felt a strange kind of panic as he realized this meant she was beyond his reach and he was alone. He turned to look back at the ship, tempted for a moment to follow her, and started walking toward it, only to pass it and head back up the mountain to the temple. Without her.  
 

***

If the ship’s calculations were right, it would take her eight hours to get to Eloi. Eight hours in which anything could happen. She felt both weird and lucky that the place Ben had taken them was so close to home. As the white and blue of hyperspace drifted by, Erin sat back in her seat for a moment, taking her first deep breath since she had left. She sat up straight and gathered her hair at the base of her neck, rolling it up into a neat bun. She worked to tighten her muddy boots, checked to see if her knives were still there and looked back to see the blaster Ben had quickly given her upon leaving. Next to it was Bass’s lightsaber. Erin shook her head and almost rolled her eyes, she had told him she didn’t want to use that weapon anymore but apparently Ben would rather want her to be safe than sorry. This made her smile just slightly as she fought the urge to contact him through the escape pods communication unit. She had spoken the truth, as soon as she had made sure Poe was safe, she’d come back to him. For him. Maybe he’d be ready to join her by then.  
The journey was long and hard on her anxious heart. She had plenty of time to drive herself crazy with thoughts of Poe, thoughts of Ben, thoughts of Eloi alone and afraid once again because both Poe and herself were selfish and proud, leaving him behind time after time. Even after promising him they wouldn’t.

  
When you knew where to look, signs of life at the Resistance base weren’t hard to find. Erin could see trails through the woods, smoke coming from campfires and lights flickering from torches carried from tent to tent. There wasn’t much else around these coordinates, just wild jungle, some mountains and a waterfall that she had not seen before. However short she had been here, this instantly felt like coming home.  
Once she had identified herself she was free to land at the small clearing right next to the camp, which was hard and Erin was sure she had damaged the pod while doing it, hitting her head in the process. She wasn’t the most skilled pilot, especially when she was impatient.  
When the door of the small ship opened she got up, tucked the lightsaber away and put the blaster at her hip, her hand hovering just beside it when she stepped outside.  
Eloi was waiting for her, along with a girl she had seen him with before. Happier times. The girl clung to his arm and Erin raised a brow. Eloi seemed oblivious to her curiosity and pulled himself free to run toward his sister, moving his arms around her quickly and tightly as he pulled her Erin in for a hug. He was getting so tall. She hugged him back and took in his scent, which had not changed since the last time she had seen him.  
“I’m so glad you’re home.” Eloi whispered against the side of her head.  
“Any news?” Erin asked as she pulled back.  
Eloi didn’t answer, he simple looked past her and back at the small ship she had come in, his brows furrowed as if he was thinking.  
“He’s not with you?”  
Erin shook her head and suddenly realized how uncomfortable it would’ve been if Ben Solo had been here, arriving at the Resistance base in the middle of the night, armed and most certainly unwanted. To the Resistance he was still Kylo Ren, First Order fugitive maybe but most definitely their enemy and in a way their prisoner. Although Erin would never describe it that way.   
She suddenly felt silly for even wanting him to come along and understood why Ben had said he couldn’t. This wasn’t the time and place, especially with Leia at another base.  
“He’s somewhere safe.”  
Eloi looked at her for a moment, a mix of compassion and worry in his eyes.  
“Are you afraid he’ll run?” he asked, careful but honest.  
“Never.” Erin replied and to her surprise Eloi immediately seemed convinced.  
“Come see the others. There’s food if you want.”  
 

Sleeping was impossible.   
Erin sat outside by the fire as Eloi slept next to her. He had taken his pillow from their tent and put it against her side only to stare at the stars with her. As if they could see Poe fly across the sky if they just stared long enough. Eventually the boy had fallen asleep while Erin absentmindedly ran her fingers through his hair repeatedly.  
The others had been in terrible condition, most of them had been taken to the new Resistance base already, the rest barely able to talk to Erin due to their conditions.  
Their mission had been simple but dangerous. Lando Calrissian had heard of the First Order kidnapping children across the galaxy for a new Stormtrooper program on a bigger scale than anything they had seen before. The Resistance was to intercept one of the freighters that had taken children from their families. Poe and his squadron were meant to defend another squadron while they extracted the victims.  The mission had been successful, the children and their families were with the Resistance at their new base, but the Black Squadron was taken by surprise by a counter attack from a different ship. Leaving them all to fend for themselves, returning without their leader.  
Erin stared at the flames, going through the fond memories Poe and her had shared over the years, smiling every so often only to be crying soundlessly the next.  
She was tempted to go look for him but told there was no way of doing so, there was no amount of courage or determination that would help her find him. His location was unknown and there had been no contact for several days now. All they could do was wait.

 The first night had gone by without sleep for Erin.  
“You look terrible.” Kaydel Ko Connix said as she handed her a cup of caf. The women were in what was left of the commanding quarters. Which was now only half of the equipment and people that had been there before. Erin had spent most of the morning there in case there was any news, so far there wasn’t.  
“Thanks.” Erin replied, taking the cup in both hands, staring down at the dark fluid in it.  
“Eloi seems better now that you have returned.” Connix stated.  
“I’m glad.” Erin replied absentmindedly.  
“What about Kylo Ren?”  
“What about him?” Erin asked, glaring up at Connix from her cup.  
“What did you do with him?”  
“He’s not going anywhere.” Erin growled quietly which seemed to assure Connix that things had been taken care of.  
“Is it true?” Connix pressed now, her tone hushed as she moved in closer.  
“What?”  
“Eloi said Kylo Ren saved his life.”  
It was clear that Connix didn’t believe this news as she chuckled awkwardly but when Erin stared at her blankly her smile faded.  
“It’s true. He also saved my life, more than once.”  
And with that the conversation ended abruptly and uncomfortably, Erin got up, still holding the cup as she moved to the entrance of the tent only to turn just before leaving it.  
“Come get me if there’s any news.”  
“Of course.” Connix nodded once and Erin knew something had changed about the way the girl looked at her. She could swear there was fear in her eyes.

   
Erin had finally fallen asleep at sunset that day. Sleep filled with nightmares but sleep nonetheless. She had hoped to dream of Ben, or to find him there in that strange place they had met before, to know that he was alright and still waiting for her, but she didn’t. In fact, she didn’t sleep long at all, awakened by a loud bang that literally made the planet under her shake. Noises of panic and chaos went through camp like a wave. She shot up, immediately alert as her eyes shot to the entrance of their tent to see Eloi standing there. The boy was panting and his face, which usually was tan, was as white as a sheet.  
“What is it?” Erin demanded, pushing the sheets from her body to get up as quickly as she could, rushing past him and outside.  
“Poe…he crashed his ship here straight out of hyperspace.”  
Erin came to a halt and looked back.  
“He did what?”  
“The Black One just crashed down by the ships.”  
Erin’s heart was beating painfully fast in her chest as she could see the commotion out by the plain. She could see smoke and could hear people yelling and screaming as she turned to face Eloi, grabbing his shoulders to shake him and make him look at her.  
“I need you to stay here.”  
“What?!”  
“STAY!” Erin growled as she pushed him back to the tent.  
“No way…”  
“Damn it, Eloi. Stay here, I’ll be right back.”  
She didn’t wait for his reply, instead she turned to run faster than she had ever in her life. Tears streaming down her face as she felt her lungs burning and her legs ache.  
“Come on, Dameron..” she mumbled to herself as she pushed even harder and finally reached the plain where several people now surrounded the crash. She came to a halt as BB-8, Poe’s trusted astromech friend, rolled toward her, shrieking loudly.  
“BB-8!” Erin fell to her knees, holding the droid still in front of her. “Where is he? Is he okay?!”  
The droid beeped and shrieked and Erin could barely make sense of its panicked binary.  
“Go get help. Now!” she snarled as she got back up and rushed toward the crash.  
“Get back!” Erin yelled as she pushed herself through the crowd. “Get back, it could explode!”  
She didn’t follow her own advice and ran straight for the X-wing to find several of their friends there, calling for medical assistance as they tried to get to the cockpit. The X-wing’s nose was buried deep into the ground, the glass of the cockpit half shattered as Erin pushed past her friends and climbed to where her best friend must be. The rest of their friends followed.  
“Is it him?”  
“Is he alright?”  
“Is it Dameron?”  
Erin realized there might be a possibility that it wasn’t him, instinctively reaching for her blaster as she moved back so the others could open the cockpit with force. Erin held up her blaster, pointing at the unmoving figure, trembling heavily as her breath was uneven. At first she couldn’t tell who it was that had crashed the ship into the ground. All she could see was skin black with grime and blood and a suit that could either be a smoke stained flight suit or a First Order uniform. She recognized him by the necklace dangling from his neck, his mother’s ring gleaming in all that dirt.  
“It’s him…” Erin breathed, immediately dropping the blaster to help them get Poe out unharmed.  
Everything went fast from there, like a blur. There were people there with a stretcher, other people who carried Poe, four of them, and secured him to the stretcher. Others who told the crowd to get as far away from the scene as possible and someone who pulled at her arm, telling her to get off the starfighter’s wing. Erin pulled her arm from his grip, her eyes fixed upon Poe’s unmoving body, pushing through the crowd to follow him.  
“Is he breathing?”  
She tried to ask, tried to get to him but everyone was so busy getting him to safety.  
“Is he breathing?!” Erin demanded but no one would listen as they brought him into a tent much larger than the rest. When Erin wanted to follow a large man she knew as Beck put his hand on her shoulder to keep her back.  
“Sorry, Kaleo. Authorised personnel only.”  
“But he’s my…” Erin didn’t know how to finish that sentence and Beck looked down at her with sympathy.  
“They’ll do everything they can to patch him up. You need to give them some space.”  
Erin wanted to curse in the man’s face, tell him that she would never give anyone space while her best friend could possibly die, yell at him that she was supposed to protect him from things like this but nothing would come out. Just a broken whimper as she tried to look past him and into the tent as others came rushing out. When Beck pushed her back again, blocking her view, Erin felt herself fall apart. Her lungs burned as she gasped for air, turning around desperately searching for anything that would help her, anyone that would help her, but there was no one there. What was left of the Resistance at this base gathered around the entrance of the medical bay but there were no friendly faces. She wanted to kick and scream and break anything in her way, she wanted to start a fight, no something bigger..she wanted to start a riot just to get to Poe but someone stopped her.  
She felt someone pull at her shoulder and turn her around and for a moment Erin was convinced the hand belonged to Ben. It felt strong and warm and she could swear his scent lingered right there in the air but when she looked up at who had pulled her into a restraint that posed as an embrace, she saw that it was Eloi.   
“I got you.”  
When she struggled he held her tighter to his chest and Erin was confused as to when exactly the tables had turned.  
“I got you.” He repeated, again and again until finally she calmed down.

 


	27. Storm

The two of them sat waiting on the ground in front of the med bay even when the others had left to go to bed. Looking up every so often when someone rushed in or out of the tent.  
The two torches by the entrance of the tent made Eloi’s skin look golden when Erin finally looked at him.  
“Did he tell you?” Erin asked, her voice croaky from being silent for so long.  
“Did he tell me what?” Eloi asked, his face blank, Erin knew he was lying but he was getting better at it. Like he was at everything.  
“What I did.” Erin stated.  
“Yes.” The boy admitted, his gaze fixed upon the tent’s structure before them.  
Erin hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin there as she sighed, closing her eyes in the hopes of hearing anything coming from inside the med bay. Any news at all. There was a long silence, only broken by the crackling of fire and the hushed voices of people passing by to go to their posts.  
“I’m not mad at you.” Eloi finally spoke up, Erin couldn’t make herself look at him.  
“Poe is.”  
“No, he isn’t.”  
“He hates me for it.”  
“He’s disappointed. There’s a difference.”  
Erin looked at him now, the boy that felt like her little brother, and saw a man looking back at her. He reminded her of Poe in so many ways it made her heart ache. Poe had done a better job raising him than she ever would.  
“Since when did you get so wise?” Erin tried to smile, to reassure him but Eloi simply shrugged.  
“He loves you. He’s just worried.”  
Erin rested her chin on her knees again, reliving their last conversation in her mind.  
“And so am I.”  
Erin frowned as her head shot up to look at Eloi, who looked as worried as his voice sounded.  
“I’m fine. I won’t go back to being that way.” Erin shook her head as she remembered how she used to struggle after just joining the Resistance. Ending up in fights, hurting the people around her, running away for days on end. Confused, depressed, dangerous.  
“I’m not worried about that, E.” Eloi moved to face her now, his frown deep and his eyes dark. “You have no idea what you’ve done, what _we’ve_ done. Kylo Ren is wanted for the Supreme Leader’s murder. They’ll do anything to find him, to find you. I’m worried the First Order will kill you, or worse.”  
Erin swallowed and stared at Eloi, blinking slowly as she realized Hux must have been planning Ben’s downfall ever since Snoke was murdered. So, they found out he had killed his master, of course they did. Who would believe anyone else would be capable of such a task?  
“They know.”  
“Everyone knows.” Eloi mumbled.  
Erin took in a deep breath, centring herself, turning to Eloi to put her hands on his shoulders to make him look at her.  
“Look at me.” The boy did, gold specs in his eyes gleaming in the warm light of the fire above. “We’ll be fine. I promise. We just need to hold on a little bit longer, fight a little bit harder but we will be fine.” Erin put her hand on the boy’s cheek, gently moving her thumb back and forth as Eloi’s face turned from a young man into a little boy in front of her.  
“Poe will be fine. Maybe he’ll finally teach you how to fly when he gets better. I’m sure we can use extra pilots.” Erin smiled slightly, pushing her own fears and insecurities aside.  
“The First Order is never going to win, Eloi. Things are changing, I can feel it. That hope is what is going to help us win. They may have weapons and ships and an army but they don’t have anything like it. No one believes in the First Order like they believe in the rebellion. It’s all we need.”  
Erin studied Eloi’s face, relieved to find that he looked calmer now, nodding slowly as he pursed his lips. The boy wasn’t entirely convinced but she could tell that hope was there in him too.   
“You should go get some sleep. I’ll come get you if anything happens.”  
“But…”  
“Please? We’ll switch in the morning.”  
“Okay.” Eloi nodded solemnly, pulling her in for a hug. “I love you, Erin.”  
Erin smiled softly and when he got up and watched as he patted the dirt from his pants.  
“Love you too, little brother.”

 

  
“You can see him now.”  
Beck’s voice suddenly seemed like the sweetest sound in the world as he allowed Erin into the med bay which was quiet and mostly deserted.  
Poe was at the far end of the tent, hidden behind make-shift curtains that were actually sheets pinned up to the tent’s roof. He didn’t move, his eyes closed and his chest barely rising as he seemed to breathe evenly. Erin was trembling, taking small steps not to lose her balance or composure.  
She slowly made her way to the bed and eyed the man by Poe’s side, studying at the screens that were attached to her best friend through tubes. The quiet beeping the only noise in the room.  
When the man turned to face her he smiled but only slightly. A pity smile. The name tag on his uniform spelled the name _Ocean_ and Erin thought it was strange to name a child after something like that until she saw his eyes. Dark and blue and unreadable.  
“He broke most of his ribs, punctured his right lung along with some serious head trauma. We managed to stop internal bleeding but he lost a lot of blood. He’s gonna have to fight through the night.”    
Not the words she had been hoping for. She had hoped to hear that he was stable, that he would make it, that he would be fine. Erin found herself nodding slowly, not fully understanding everything Ocean was telling her before she turned to look down at her best friend. His skin, which was normally so warm and alive looking now looked grey and his chest and stomach were wrapped in layers and layers of cloth but she could still see traces of blood there.  
“Can I stay?” Erin whispered, as if she was afraid to wake Poe up.  
Ocean nodded slowly.  
“He’s not stable but he’s strong. Come get me if anything happens. I’ll be next door.”  
Erin nodded again, automatically, but didn’t even notice as Ocean left her behind.  
“Thanks.”  
The silence -except for the beeps- was deafening as she stood there watching Poe and took in a shaky breath, reaching out with an equally shaky hand.  
The skin on the back of his hand was cool and rough and as she took his hand in hers her thumb absentmindedly stroked his knuckled which were covered in cuts and bruises.  
“I’m so sorry.” She whispered but there was no reaction.  
She sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned over to push his hair back from his face which looked eerily peaceful, a look that did not suit him. Poe was meant to look alive, burning bright like a sun. Her fingertips found their way to his brow, which was relaxed instead of its usual frown of frustration. There were still traces of blood and dirt on his face, his shoulders, his arms. Erin shook her head and walked over to the make-shift sink to get a bowl of water and clean cloths, returning to Poe’s bedside quietly. The warm water was soothing as she wringed out the wet fabric before putting it to his skin carefully.  
The blood and dirt came off, revealing a face that seemed more like Poe’s as she made her way down to his shoulders, ever so careful as if he could break right there under her fingertips. There was something soothing about taking care of someone like this which made her feel like she wasn’t alone even if he couldn’t reply. She was with family, she was home.

  
Erin woke up curled up against Poe’s side to find Eloi right next to them, his head resting on her shoulder while his long body was hunched over in a chair. When she moved he woke up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.  
“Is he okay?”  
Erin sat up carefully, rubbing her own eyes with one hand as she looked down at Poe, who was still far away and unconscious but very much alive. Erin could tell the sun was shining above them and knew this meant he had made it through the night.  
“Yeah.” She answered, not sharing the information she had gotten the night before.  
“Good.” Eloi answered nervously.  
“Yeah, it is.” Erin pulled her hair back in a low bun, turning to face Eloi and grant him a careful smile.  
“How are you?” she asked.  
“I’m okay.”  
Erin decided to change the subject, to distract him from the very real reality that Poe might still not make it.  
“So, who’s the girl?” Erin grinned.  
Eloi’s cheeks changed colour slightly, a dark peach, and he quickly shook his head as he smiled awkwardly.  
“Her name’s Pippa.”  
“When were you gonna tell me you have a girlfriend, huh?” Erin playfully shoved his shoulder.  
“She’s not my girlfriend.”  
Erin raised her brow questioningly, grinning as she shrugged.  
“Well, if you love her, she should be.” She said suddenly serious, some strange motherly instinct taking over.  “We don’t exactly have the luxury of waiting for the right moment.”  
“But what if she doesn’t feel the same way?”  
“I could make her...” Erin joked.  
“That’s not funny.” Eloi shoved her back.  
“She feels the same. Trust me.”  
“How do you know?”  
“I know that look she gave you. You should tell her how you feel. I’d love to meet her over breakfast.” Erin smiled encouragingly.  
“Okay.” Eloi smiled in return, shining and beautiful as the baby boy she met all those years ago.  
“Okay.” Erin said.  
And just before he left the med bay he turned around, grin as wide as possible and eyes shining with mischief making the galaxy feel normal even for a little moment.  
“Can’t wait to meet your boyfriend either, you know...without the whole taking shots for me thing.”  
Before Erin could say anything, Eloi was already gone, leaving Erin with the weird and awkward thought of Ben Solo actually being her boyfriend.

   
***  
  
Being without her felt like punishment, as if this torture could ever make up for all the wrongs he had done. At night he would wake up to her pain, worried sick for another being for the first time in his life because there was finally space to be worried about something else than the fight within him. For twenty-one years he had fought hard to resist the Dark Side but he had done so much irreversible damage in the years he had given in to it.

The temple was hard on him, the Force tempting him with light wherever he went. He gave in to it more than once, the energy felt like healing, only to reject it again harshly. He was unworthy of mercy, unworthy of forgiveness.

He was driving himself crazy with thoughts of losing her to the Resistance, telling himself it was only a matter of time before she would realize he was beyond repair. He imagined her in the pilot’s arms, smiling in a way she couldn’t with him, the way he had seen her do in her memories from before him. She could be happier with them, with him. She could be a Resistance hero, admired and praised for her loyalty and dedication to the cause. She wouldn’t be the first he’d lose to that cause, many had gone before her. His mother, his father, his uncle and his equal in the light. Why would this be any different? What would he do if she never came back?

   
***  
  
She dreamed of him that night. Although she wasn’t quite sure it was a dream at all.  
She was back at the Jedi temple.

Ben was asleep. His face soft and peaceful, lips slightly parted as a sigh escaped from them. She smiled and walked up to him in that dream. Pushing a single black strand back behind his ear, gently so she wouldn’t wake him up. She wanted to talk to him, to hear him say everything would be okay but peaceful sleep was rare and he needed it badly.   
Erin cocked her head to the side to study him, the scar on his face was fading slightly and his skin looked slightly sun kissed. He had been deprived of fresh air and sunlight for so long at the Supremacy his skin had always been milky white but she now realized his natural tint was warmer than that, similar to his father’s maybe. She missed him so much.  
In the dream she sat down on the edge of the stone bed and she could feel his body heat, smell his scent and hear his breath. She could even hear the rumble of the thunder outside which felt odd, but she couldn’t quite figure out why. The thought drifted off when Ben’s eyelids fluttered open and he turned from his side onto his back to look up at her.  
“Erin…”  
“Hey.” Erin smiled softly.  
Ben’s eyes turned big and bright before realization seemed to hit him.  
“Are you okay?”  
Erin nodded slowly, leaning into the hand he moved up to cup her face. So it wasn’t a dream, the Force had mercy on them, granting them a moment together. Erin still wondered how this was even possible. Stunned by the beautiful power that was the Force.  
“You look tired.” Ben stated, his hand moving to push her hair back behind her ear, fingertips running down the side of her neck tenderly.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Your friends…”  
Erin looked down and frowned, swallowing before she could speak.  
“What is it?” Ben sat up now, moving in close, bending down to try and look her in the eye.  
“It’s bad.” She looked up and was surprised to find sympathy in his eyes. “He might not make it.”  
Ben did not judge, he did not gloat, instead he pulled her into him, holding her tight as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She could hear him take in her scent, his nose buried in her hair.  
He wouldn’t lie and tell her Poe would be okay if he wasn’t absolutely sure, he wouldn’t tell her everything was okay because it wasn’t. Instead he held her in a silence that reassured her she would always have him. Erin could hear the crackling of fire and the rumble of thunder that grew louder.  
“It’s storming again?” she asked, brushing her nose against his jaw as she looked up at him.  
Ben looked down at her in confusion, his brow furrowed and his eyes worried.  
“It’s not storming here, Erin.”  
Erin pulled back, confused and about to tell him that it _had to be_ storming because she could hear the thunder when the realization hit her that that was why it had felt odd.  
“It’s not storming…”  
“Erin wait – “  
  
Erin woke up gasping for air. It wasn’t storming at the Jedi temple. It wasn’t storming at the Resistance base. The sound of thunder came from rumbling engines.  
Engines bigger than anything they owned at the Resistance.


	28. Surprise

Her first thought was to rush outside to see what was going on but when she got up from the chair next to Poe’s bed she noticed that the sound that had woken her up was fading until all was quiet. No thunder, no rumbling engines. She had been so sure she had heard them, that they were here.  
She glanced down at her friend, who had still not been awake.     
Poe seemed to be fine, all things considered. His breathing even and strong and his cheeks flush with the slightest hint of red, it had been hot that day, it made him look healthier. His lips were still dry and the cut and bruise swelling up at his hairline looked angry and inflamed. Erin was surprised to find BB-8 on the other side of the bed, his disc-like head moving upward as he greeted her with a worried beep.  
“Keep an eye on him, okay?”  
The droid protested with loud beeps, rolling toward her frantically.  
“I’ll be right back.”  
Erin checked her thigh for her blaster and her hip for Bass’s old saber. Both were still there.

When she rushed outside the camp seemed eerily quiet. It was the end of the afternoon and it was still hot outside. Erin made sure to stay covered by the canopy of the trees, staying in the shadows as much as she could as she listened for any sign of life or chaos. There was none.  
She first hurried to the tent she shared with Poe and Eloi, finding Eloi inside laughing at something he was told by the girl Erin now knew as Pippa. She frowned in confusion as she looked at the both of them, the couple looked back at her with equal confusion.  
“Erin, what’s wrong?”  
Erin glanced back outside, frozen in place, still holding on to the fabric of the tent as she looked back at them again. There was nothing outside, just the sun and the birds and that peace that always felt deceitful, but she could feel something was about to happen. Her skin crawling and her heart beating anxiously. Something was warning her.  
“Is it Poe?” Eloi jumped up now and Pippa mirrored him immediately.  
The girl was beautiful, white hair with dark brows and blue eyes that seemed both lazy and dreamy at the same time. They looked young together and out of place. War wasn’t a place for beautiful creatures like them. Erin shook her head at Eloi’s question and answered with her suspicions instead.  
“They’re coming.” She was convinced it was true, the First Order was close. She could _feel_ it.  
“What do you mean they’re coming?” Eloi walked up to her now.  
“They must’ve followed him.”  
“E, slow down. You’re not making any sense.”  
“Maybe they tracked his X-wing.” Pippa spoke up, Erin met her gaze and nodded. Grateful someone believed her without asking questions first.  
“We need to get out of here.” Erin mumbled as she pushed past Eloi in search for Poe’s old duffle bag, when she found it, she moved back and pressed it against Eloi’s chest.  
“Get whatever we might need. I’m warning the others.”  
“What…?”  
“Now!”  
Again, Pippa was the first to listen. Taking the bag from Eloi to pack necessities without asking questions. Erin thought she might like this girl already, she just hoped she would get the chance to get to know her.

 

Connix was the first person she went to see next and she was less easily convinced. Connix wasn’t bad at her job, not at all, she was good at it. Her problem was that she was extremely loyal, to Leia and Poe especially, which was why she wasn’t listening to Erin now.  
“We’re already leaving, Kaleo. It’ll take a few more days.”  
“We might not have a few more days.” Erin mumbled impatiently.  
“There’s absolutely nothing on our radars, Erin.”  
“They could still be in hyperspace.”  
“They could be nowhere near.”  
“Please, Kaydel. You have to trust me.”  
And just as Erin was pleading with the woman in front of her she heard it, the sound she had dreaded to hear ever since she woke up. Whenever a ship would exit hyperspace close to a planet it would make a loud ripping sound, like the sound of lightning just before the thunder. Erin hurried outside, instantly looking up as she did to see just the part of a ship’s wing through the thick canopy above. She was instantly thankful it was a hot afternoon, which meant the fires would not be on yet, this would make it harder for the First Order to find them.  
Connix was already working at the communication unit, tapping at screens and panels as if her life depended on it. No doubt sending messages to the others part of the rebellion, a galaxy away. Erin felt her heart ache, longing to contact someone herself.  
“Can I use this?” Erin asked as she pointed at a commlink on the desk beside Connix, who was now talking in codes through her much larger communication device. Erin did not recognize the voice on the other side. Connix nodded and handed her the small commlink, Erin took it, her knuckles turning white from holding on to it tightly.  
“We should get out of here. Are the shuttles ready?” Erin asked, Connix paused her conversation and turned toward her.  
“They should be ready enough.”  
“How many of us?”  
Connix seemed to think for a moment, considering her answer and Erin could tell the woman was scared.  
“Forty, maybe forty-five.”  
Erin closed her eyes for a moment, gathering her thoughts as she tried to control her breathing. Forty people would never be enough to fight off any of the Stormtroopers that were heading their way. They had to be gone before any of them touched the ground. As the two of them discussed their situation another woman and man rushed into the command room, explaining the situation outside. Erin recognized one of them as Ocean, the medic that treated Poe.  
It was clear that everyone missed clear leadership with Leia at the new base and Poe unable to lead them, the First Order already had an advantage. They ended up in a heated discussion on what to do, all of them raising their voices while at the same time voices joined in from the communication unit. One of them loud and clear and very very familiar.  
“Rebels!”  
It was Leia. Silencing them all even from a galaxy away. Her voice as clear as if she was standing right in the tent with them and all of them looked at the beeping light of the device that held her voice. “According to our latest information there’s fourty-four of you. Each one of you will gather whoever they can find. Once you’ve gathered eleven people, you get them to the shuttles nearby the evacuation site.”  
“Yes ma’am.” The four of them answered in unison.  
“What about Poe?” Erin spoke up.  
Poe was the only injured rebel at this base but Erin could not get him to the evacuation site alone.  
“Get him and the young ones to a ship first.” Leia answered. “We’ll wait here for you to come home. May the force be with you.”  
“I’ll help you.” Ocean said as soon as the connection with the general was broken. Erin nodded, thankful that the Resistance was so very different from what she had gotten used to at the Order.  
“Make sure to stay under the trees. It’ll make it harder to find us.” Erin reminded Connix before her and Ocean left the tent to get to Poe as fast as they could.

 

Poe Dameron had chosen the worst possible time to wake up, mumbling quietly and in confusion as Ocean worked at the tubes that held him to the machines.  
“Ocean…he’s waking up.”  
“Keep him down.”  
“But..”  
“Keep him down!” Ocean roared.  
Outside, chaos started to break out. People had noticed the dawning danger and were scared, looking for their friends and a way out. Erin wanted to be out there, finding the rest of her family but she needed to stay in here to save the other half of it.  
“Poe.” She bent over him, taking his face in both of her hands to make the man look at her. “Poe, it’s me. You’re okay.”  
But Poe wasn’t okay, he was sweating and didn’t seem to realize where he was.  
“I think he has a fever.” Erin said, worry apparent in her voice.  
“Yeah.” Ocean answered quietly while his hands fidgeted with a syringe.  
“What is that?”  
“Something to keep him asleep.”  
“Poe, Poe, it’s me Erin. You’re okay. We’re going to get you out of here, okay?”  
Poe was hitting her now, sloppily, like he was trying to claw his way out of something as he mumbled louder now but Erin couldn’t make out the words.  
“I know, I know.” She said.  
“Hold his arm.”  
Erin obeyed and held his arm as Ocean pushed the needle in the veins that were blue and thick under Poe’s hot skin.  
“There, there.” Ocean mumbled as he turned to unhook Poe from any remaining machinery.  
Erin leaned in to hastily kiss Poe’s forehead, pushing back his wet hair from his burning forehead.  
“We’ll be home soon.” She whispered, watching as his eyes rolled back in his head and his eyelids fell shut.  
“Go get your brother. I’ll get him to the ship.” Ocean said.  
Erin eyed him for a moment, his tall frame and strong arms, figuring out he would be strong enough to carry Poe without too much hassle which would give her a chance to get to Eloi before anything could happen to him. She nodded, convincing herself it was okay to leave her best friend behind and Ocean nodded back encouragingly.  
“Go!”  
“Thank you.”

 

Erin stopped anyone on her way to Eloi to tell them to get to the evacuation site and onto one of the shuttles, counting the faces, trying to remember if there was anyone they were forgetting. She was running to the far end of the Resistance base where Eloi would be when she saw him and Pippa run toward her. She was proud to see he kept them in the shadows, close to the trees, stopping every so often to hide beneath them.  
Erin stepped into the light now, looking up and through the trees to see the severity of the attack only to feel her heart sink when the ship was nowhere to be found.  
“They’ve landed!” Eloi said, his eyes big with adrenaline. “We saw the troopers, two dozen of them, maybe three.”  
“Maybe more.” Pippa added, her voice quiet.  
Erin couldn’t help but check the both of them if they were okay before turning Eloi around and checking his duffle bag. The two of them were right, Erin could already hear the stomping of an army in the distance. She looked up at Eloi, who looked back at her, his brows pulled together in a frown.  
“Get to the evacuation site.” Erin said, stern.  
“Do you think they’ll get to the ships before we can leave?” Pippa asked.  
“They will if you don’t leave. _Now_.”  
“Alright, let’s go then!” Eloi grabbed Pippa’s hand, his free hand moving up to Erin’s upper arm, dragging her along.  
“I have to find the rest.”  
Eloi frowned, shook his head and kept pulling her along but Erin broke free.  
“If I’m not back in time, you leave.”  
“Erin, no..”  
“Poe’s already there.”  
“I’m not leaving you _again_.”  
Erin stopped to put her hands on Eloi’s shoulders, shaking him violently.  
“This is my job. You’re getting to those ships, I’ll be right there.”   
Eloi shook his head again, letting go of his girlfriend’s hand and moving to take the duffle bag from his shoulder, handing it to the girl instead.  
“Get to the shuttle, Pip. We’ll be right there.”  
“Eloi..” Erin protested.  
“We’re more likely to succeed together.”  
She couldn’t exactly deny that, and she didn’t want to belittle him the way Poe had done to her so many times before. She knew he was strong, she knew he could fight, she had taught him to do so. She’d be safer with him by her side. And so, she nodded, once.  
Pippa was stronger than she looked, both physically as emotionally as she strapped the bag to her back and nodded firmly. Her chin raised a little bit higher.  
“I’ll see you in a bit.” She said without her voice wavering one bit.  
“That’s a promise.” Eloi smiled at her, kissing her briefly before the girl ran off.

 

“Here,” Erin took the blaster from her thigh and planted it in Eloi’s hands “you might need this.”  
Eloi grinned, holding the weapon with confidence as the both of them searched the camp for any Resistance members. Erin, in turn, held the hilt of Bass’s lightsaber in her hand, making sure not to ignite it because it’s light might attract the Stormtroopers now that the sun was setting.  
The sky was turning pink and purple, the last of the sun’s light a deep orange as they checked tent after tent.  
“We’re almost at the last one.” Eloi whispered as they approached the end of the Resistance camp. They could hear blasters in the distance, the stomping of troopers and they could smell fire. What was going on at the other side of the base?  
Erin felt anxious, hurrying to check the last tent at the far end of camp, gesturing for Eloi to stay outside to keep watch. The tent was already empty and Erin could tell by the unmade beds and the mess that the people who had stayed here had left in a hurry.  
“All clear.” Erin mumbled as she rushed back outside to meet Eloi.  
The boy hardly looked sixteen, standing with broad shoulders, blaster up and ready and eyes focused on the trees beyond.  
“Something’s wrong.” He mumbled, frowning.  
Erin looked out at the same trees, changing colours in the last glow of the sun. Things didn’t look wrong, but she could feel it too. It was too quiet here. And that’s when all hell broke loose.  
There were shots coming from above, lasers cutting through the same trees beyond, near the clearing that held their escape vehicles.  
Eloi started to run first and Erin followed quickly, igniting the saber in her hand. The blade came to life buzzing angrily, different from Kylo’s, stable and smaller but nonetheless intimidating. In a way the weapon seemed to be similar to the man, Bass had been just as brutal and even less subtle. Eloi looked back, his eyebrows shooting up in a mix of admiration and surprise.  
“Yours?” he asked between heavy breaths as they ran.  
Erin quickly shook her head. “Let’s just say I borrowed it.”  
Eloi grinned and shook his head and for a moment things felt like the old days in the middle of this dark chaos.

 When they reached the chaos they still had a way to go to the clearing. It looked like most of the Resistance members were trying to defend their means of escape, fighting the Stormtroopers as best as they were able to. One of the X-wings was gone and Erin suspected one of the few pilots left had taken it upon themselves to support the rest from the air. This resulted in rogue lasers flying around, it was a miracle most of them only hit the enemy since the entire camp was now a mix of white armour and rebel limbs. Erin could hardly make out who was who as their movements turned the once solid ground into a cloud of orange dust.  
Eloi went right for the kill, aiming his blaster like it was what he was born to do, defending her back as Erin made her way through the crowd. Her less than subtle weapon was sure to attract attention and Erin welcomed it, she could do this, she knew how to do this, she knew how to fight and survive. She didn’t know how to save the others, or how to get them out of there or what would happen if that was even possible. So, she focused on what was there in front of her now.  
Being more in tune with the Force through Ben’s training was an advantage, as if she suddenly had eyes on each side of her head. She could simply tell when someone was near or about to attack, it took the simpler troopers by surprise most times. Eloi and Erin fought back to back and Erin was proud to see that Eloi did not stay far behind while taking out the enemy.  
Most of the group of young rebels was still at this base and they were putting every single lesson they had to use, fighting for their lives and for those of the less talented ones.  
Erin could feel herself grow tired, nights of barely sleeping were taking their toll on her body and concentration but the adrenaline flowing through her veins kept her going even when her arms burned painfully causing her to make a mistake and a blaster bolt to brush past her upper arm, leaving a burn. Eloi quickly checked on her and the both of them turned in shock when the offender was shot from the sky with eerie precision. Eloi laughed, balling his fist and pumping it in the air in salute, calling out in victory.  
“That’s one hell of a pilot!” he grinned and Erin grinned to, inspired by his spirit.  
“We need to get them away from those ships.”  
The both of them took a moment to look around to try and think of a plan to do so. Anything that could help them when the X-wing above dipped low, almost grazing the people beneath it and suddenly went for the ship on the ground where the Stormtroopers had come from.  
Around them they heard screaming and Erin only now noticed that the Stormtroopers weren’t killing their victims, they were trying to capture them.  
“Erin!” Eloi yelled.  
Erin turned just in time to duck and avoid a Stormtrooper’s riot baton from hitting right in the chest. She swung her weapon around at his knees, missing, swiftly turning it in her hand for another try. She had to admit there was nothing quite like a lightsaber in combat, its blade cutting through the high tech trooper armour like nothing she had ever seen before. As she turned to thank Eloi she could tell he was distracted, when she followed his gaze she knew why.  
“Go, go now!” Erin gestured, ducking and shielding her head as the brazen X-wing flew by again, this time clearing the way for Eloi to reach Pippa, who was in trouble with two Stormtroopers violently pulling at her arms.

The scene was utter chaos now, Stormtrooper bodies covering the floor while behind her their ship exploded with such force it blew Erin to her knees. She got up quickly and it took a moment to regain herself, the adrenaline produced by a strong survival instinct forcing her to react to her surroundings as another trooper decided to charge at her. Erin quietly cursed under her breath, defying the man as she deflected his charge with her own weapon. She often grew arrogant in battle, reckless in her behaviour and movements but now was no time for remembering her training, it was a time for action.  
Erin grew worried when the sky was quiet, half hoping the X-wing would come back and finish what was left of their enemy because their chances were greater with help from the sky. But it didn’t. She glanced around in between dodging the Stormtrooper, looking for Eloi, which meant she was distracted enough for him to hit her the side of her knee, causing her to fall to her one knee before him. Erin looked up, quick to raise the saber above her head with both arms as the trooper charged his baton down at her, colliding violently with the saber’s blade. Red sparks flew around her head and Erin could feel her arms tremble as she pushed back. For a moment she wondered who was behind the mask of her opponent, if he ever questioned what the First Order was making him do, if he ever longed to be free. The moment didn’t last long because a blaster bolt pierced the man’s black and white mask. The Stormtrooper stood frozen like that for a moment and Erin knew he was dead because she could no longer feel pressure on the blade raised over her head. He first dropped to his knees and Erin could see how the blaster bolt had blown part of his mask from his face. She could see his one eye, a colour not entirely green but not really blue either and he looked scared. So scared as he looked right at her before collapsing forward and onto her. Erin caught him at first, shaking like a leaf, rattled by that look in his so very human eye. When she realized she was holding a dead body she was quick to drop him to the ground, trembling as she got up and the scene around her was quiet except for the crackling of fire and the soft cries for help in the background. She followed the blaster bolt’s trajectory to the only person in her sight still standing between the rubble and bodies. Behind her she knew the Resistance was scrambling back up, helping each other get to safety, tending to wounds but the only thing that could matter to her in this very moment was what was in front of her as she started to stride forward.  
  
***  
  
He had no idea what he had been doing. He only knew the damn ship he had stolen back at Naboo was too slow and too cumbersome for what he needed to do to survive. So, he had left it at the edge of the woods. Stealing one of the few X-wings at the Resistance base had been easy, they were preoccupied and by the looks of it short on pilots.  
He didn’t give himself time to think about what he was doing, it scared him too much. Instead he did what he had enjoyed best ever since he was little. Fly. In some twisted way he felt closer to his father, to his entire family, now than he ever had when he had been alive. Ben knew this should’ve scared him, it should’ve angered him but somehow it guided him instead. Ben had not been this focused in years, the task at hand so clear and easy, maybe even _fun_.  
Things were more difficult now that he was on the ground and the danger had subsided. _For now_. Hux would send more. And soon too. Ben knew he wasn’t far, he was hiding just beyond reach, hovering over this planet, protected by high tech cloaking devices. Underestimating the Resistance had been a mistake Ben now realized. They might be small in numbers but when you had something to fight for it apparently made you fight twice as hard. He knew this was true for him.  
She was out of breath and trembling, he could see so all the way from where he was standing, blaster in one hand while his trusted weapon still buzzed in his other hand. He was out of breath too, rushing from the X-wing and through the last of the Stormtroopers to get to her had been harder than it seemed at first.  
She looked tired and shaken and Ben felt his eyes move all over her body, checking every inch of her for injuries or discomfort. There were obvious signs of battle all over her small frame, her clothes ripped in several places, red dirt covering her skin and blood trickling down her arm from what looked like a blaster graze.  
He had been so very stupid, letting her leave alone.  
He dropped the blaster to the ground as he saw her move toward him and hooked his lightsaber to his belt again. His steps large and certain, stepping over bodies and rubble to find his way to where he belonged.  
  
***  
  
“Ben…” his name slipped from her lips in a sigh as her pace increased.  
He was here. At the Resistance. Fighting alongside her chosen family without her having to ask him to. He had _chosen_ to be here. He had chosen to be _with her_ despite of his fears. It felt _so_ right.  
Erin was still trembling, not from shock but because she couldn’t believe he was here.  
Ben Solo looked better than he ever had, despite some signs of battle. His attire a mix of the usual black and the rough linen pieces she had seen back at the temple before she left. His scar had faded to a soft beige line even in those few days. His eyes -fixed upon her- made her feel like she was being kissed all the way from across the clearing and as he took long strides to meet her Erin knew it was all she wanted to do.  
When he reached her he seemed to have heard her prayer, his hand cupping her face as she pressed herself against him, guiding her lips to his in a firm and hungry kiss amidst chaos.  
Erin dropped her weapon to the ground and put her hands over his, returning the kiss before pulling back. Ben did not let her go however, his forehead pressed against hers as her arms found their way around his neck.  
“What are you doing?” she smiled.  
“It looks like I’m saving your life. _Again_.” Ben joked, his voice deep but remarkably light.  
Erin rose to her toes, pulling him in for a hug, pressing kisses to his cheek, his temple, his hair as his hands travelled to her sides.  
“We need to leave.” Ben whispered in her ear, his voice suddenly urgent again. He used the word we as if he had always been part of the Resistance, it slipped from his lips effortlessly, easily, all fear and reservation suddenly gone. Erin knew it was the adrenaline and imminent danger talking, but she liked the sound of it.  
“How did you…”  
“I said I wouldn’t let you go. I was stupid to let you leave alone.”  
Ben pulled back reluctantly, looking up at the sky anxiously as Erin’s hands dropped from his neck. He caught one of them in his quickly and started pulling her along.  
“They’re coming.”  
Erin looked at him long and hard, frowning as she wondered if he would be ready to face the Resistance and under these circumstances nonetheless.  
“Okay.” Erin nodded, making up her mind that they would go with whatever chaos was brought upon them next and they would figure it out along the way.  
"Okay." Ben answered and in his eyes she could see that at least for now he felt the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously this chapter was a little longer than usual, yay for you guys! It took me a little longer to write this one but I hope you like it. There's some very interesting things about to happen. I am hyped for Ben to finally be coming home, not quite sure if he will be too though.


	29. Follow

He had no plan from here.   
  
He focused on her hand in his as the both of them rushed through the rubble, dodging small fires and bodies of Stormtroopers that may or may not have been alive still. He had never felt this strange fear before. A fear caused by knowing something was coming that was bigger than anything he was equipped for. Ben had hidden most of his adult life behind his mask, his lightsaber, his starfighter and the full arsenal of the First Order, he had no idea what it had felt like to have nothing and still having to fight.  
It felt hopeless and irrational but at the same time he had not felt this alive in a very long time.  
He felt none of that fear in Erin, she was filled with determination and purpose, as if she knew exactly what needed to be done. That feeling changed when the both of them turned to the sound of someone calling for help. 

The boy.   
  
He looked older than the last time Ben had seen him, his eyes aged by things a young boy shouldn’t have seen just yet. One of his hands was covered in blood and Ben soon realized it wasn’t his. Erin seemed to have followed his gaze, running toward the boy instantly as Ben glanced up at the sky that was growing more deadly by the second.  
“Are you okay?”  
Fear was back in Erin’s voice. Ben hated it.   
The boy’s voice was shaking, almost as if he was crying but Ben could see no tears on the boy’s face, just panic.  
“It’s Pippa, she’s hurt.”  
Ben didn’t want to press that they had to leave but Erin felt him hovering beside her nonetheless and glanced up at him quickly. Eloi only now looked at him in surprise, his mind still preoccupied it seemed. Ben looked around, taking in the scene and analysing their options.  
“Where is she?” Erin asked.   
“Near the ship. They blew it up.”   
“What?”   
Erin started to run now and Ben shook his head. He should’ve known she’d do something stupid, maybe more than once. Eloi and Ben followed closely as the boy got Erin up to speed.  
“I couldn’t find you. They blew up the last ship, the debris hit Pippa while she was waiting for us.”   
“What ship?”   
“I…”  
“Which one, Eloi?!” Erin practically growled and Ben watched her closely when they reached the smouldering remains of a shuttle. The two other shuttles he had seen before were gone which meant most of the Resistance had managed to escape. In the grass before them, in between the fire and wreckage, were a few people. Ben recognized one of them, the pilot, another man was seemingly checking his vitals. Eloi, in turn, sunk down to his knees next to another one of them, a young woman. Erin was in front of him, her hands running through her hair at the sight of most likely their last vehicle burning in pieces around her. He rushed to her side, put his hand on her shoulder to turn her around, he had only seen her face this desperate twice. The first time he saved her life while they were still strangers, when she thought she was dying, and the second time when she thought he was.   
“I left the ship at the edge of these woods.”  
Her eyes lit up like stars as his words rekindled whatever hope was left in her. She nodded curtly, turning to asses her options. He could almost read her thoughts without even invading her mind, he loved that about their connection.  
She looked over at the boy first before looking back at the pilot and he knew she was torn between the two of them, both needing her help.  
“I’ve got her.” Ben said, rushing to Eloi and the girl.  
The boy looked up at him with the slightest hint of suspicion at first and Ben couldn’t blame him. They were strangers and not long ago they had been on opposite sides of this war. Ben averted his gaze and looked down to examine the injuries of the girl, they were severe but not life threatening.  
“I’ve got her.” Ben repeated firmly, meeting the boy’s gaze again as he quickly slipped his arms under the girl’s back and legs, picking her up swiftly.   
“My ship is at the edge to the left, we need to get there fast.”   
Eloi frowned and nodded, rushing to Erin’s side who was now pulling up the pilot Ben knew as Poe Dameron with the help of the man who had been tending to him before. Dameron didn’t seem conscious and Ben wondered if his injuries were from the explosion or from something before as the other man eyed him suspiciously.   
“Who’s this?” the man asked, his dark skin glowing faintly in the light of the fire, he was covered in sweat. Erin looked up, visibly struggling to keep Dameron up, pulling his arm tighter around her shoulders.  
“He’s gonna get us out of here.” She replied, not taking away any of the suspicions of the man.   
“Follow me.” Ben mumbled, feeling very uncomfortable for more than one reason as he went ahead and rushed to the ship that had brought him here.   
  
***  
  
Once Poe was settled on one of the bunks on the ship Ben and her had stolen on Naboo she rushed back to Ben’s side. He was already starting the engines and Erin had a quick deja-vu to their previous escape. He had the same look in his eyes, a mix of mischief and confidence. Ben pulled at the control yoke and they were airborne, floating just above the surface of the planet they were about to leave. Erin glanced at him questioningly before glancing back at the wounded in the back. Ben nodded once, curtly, telling her it was okay to let him do his job while she did hers. She kissed him briefly on the cheek, squeezed his shoulder and fought through her exhaustion as she rushed to the back.  
  
Just when Erin thought they might make it out of there without a scratch something hit the ship with such force most of them were slammed into the side wall. Erin turned to rush back to the cockpit and check on Ben as well as the condition of the ship. When she entered there were a lot of lights blinking, accompanied by loud beeps as Ben worked at flipping switched Erin hardly knew the use for.  
“What was that?”  
“The First Order.” Ben answered dryly.  
“Are we hit?”   
“Yeah.”  
Ben was reoccupied clearly as they made their way out of the woods and into open air, his face stern as his eyes were focused on the sky beyond. Erin rushed back to her friends, helping Ocean strap Poe to the bunk, running to Eloi to help him with a tourniquet to stop Pippa’s leg from bleeding out, rushing back to Poe’s side to help Ocean tend to his wounds and all around the ship to look for medical supplies and anything they could use to help their wounded and themselves. It was total mayhem. The ship going back and forth, sideways before dropping down and speeding back up. Ben was a skilled pilot, but a reckless one as well.  
“Someone man the cannon!” He called out from the cockpit, his voice loud and deep, like the commander he once was. Erin’s gaze met Ocean’s and Eloi’s and without words they seemed to try and decide who was best for the job.  
“I’ll go.” Ocean mumbled.  
“Hold on!”   
Another drop and Erin was slammed into the cockpit door opening, hitting her already wounded shoulder, causing it to bleed again. She frowned, closing her eyes as she tried to ignore the pain through breathing deeply, the way she had learned so many years ago.  
Ben glanced back and his face immediately changed, turning soft and worried as he eyed her arm.  
“I’m fine.” Erin answered quickly, turning again to make her way back.   
  
***  
  
It took him a while to get out. Ben struggled with the unfamiliarity of the ship, and with worrying about his passengers which he wasn’t used to doing. Being outmanned didn’t help exactly either. But he did it. He got them out. Most likely way out of course, but the silence of outer space replaced the overwhelming sounds of battle when he activated the ship’s hyperdrives and send them to the first hyperlane he could think of anywhere close to their destination. He took a risk by sending the ship into hyperspace even before he had cleared their coordinates, but it had seemed to pay off.   
He finally took a deep breath as he let go of the control yoke and sat back in his seat. His shoulders tense as he rubbed his face, suddenly tired.  
Ben glanced back at the space behind him.   
He could see the boy, taking a seat next to what Ben now realized must be his girlfriend. The girl was unconscious and covered in old blood, scrapes and bruises but the boy seemed to have calmed down now. Gently caressing the girl’s hair.   
He could see the man that had manned the cannon, crawling back up from the shaft, catching Ben studying the space. He quickly averted his gaze, suddenly uncomfortable now that the heat of battle had died down.  
Was he part of the Resistance now? Would he ever be willing or ready to?   
Did this man know who he was and what he had done? Had the entire galaxy seen him for the monster he was? Unmasked and weak.   
Ben’s questioned were silenced by her voice. Like so many times before.   
“He’s struggling.”  
The words weren’t directed to him but Ben could hear her heartbreak in them nonetheless.  
“He’s strong, Kaleo.”  
Her name made her feel like a stranger still and Ben was so curious about her life before him, her life with these people. Curious enough to get up and join them in the main hold.  
All of them looked up at him. Or at least the ones who were conscious.  
Ben’s heart dropped, his throat dry as he suddenly wondered why he would’ve ever left the cockpit. He balled his fists at his sides anxiously, missing his old gloves, missing anything that would make him feel less exposed. Their looks weren’t exactly hateful. The men looked at him like he was a wild animal, trying to anticipate its next move. He was thinking that might be worse.  
“Hey..” Erin.  
Ben followed the sound of her voice and turned his head to find her on the other side of the hold. She got up from her place next to the pilot, her eyes fixed upon his with such intensity Ben felt like they were the only two people in the room.  
He swallowed, finding it easier to breathe now. His eyes travelled down her neck, which was covered in dirt, to her shoulder where an angry looking blaster graze made her skin look burnt and bloody. She looked even more tired than Ben felt.   
“You should get that looked at.” He gestured at the wound awkwardly, the entire room silent.  
“I’m fine.” She repeated and although Ben knew she really wasn’t her soft smile reassured him slightly.   
They were interrupted by a gurgling sound, followed by groans of pain and Erin immediately tensed up, ready for action.   
“Erin…” Eloi’s voice sounded scared again and the woman responded to it almost instinctively.   
As soon as they broke eye contact Ben felt lost and out of place as he watched her rush to the girl’s side. She was coughing up blood, small drops of it trickling down from the corners of her mouth.   
Erin took the girl’s head in her hands, lifting her just slightly, gesturing to Eloi for a pillow to put under the girl.   
“Looks like internal bleeding.” The other man said, his voice a deep rumble, like thunder.   
“Can you help her? You gotta help her. I mean..” Eloi started to pace the room nervously. Ben could feel panic bubbling up inside of him, emitting from the boy, pulsing through the Force.   
“Eloi.” Erin warned softly, pushing him back as the man moved in closer. His skin was as dark as the night sky and covered in even darker tattoos.  
“You have to do something. Please.” Eloi started to mumble anxiously, moving in closer to the girl and back. Back and forth, unsure of what to do as Erin started to wipe the sweat from the girl’s face to comfort her as the man started to examine her. The entire scene was a mess.   
Ben could feel the discomfort in the room build up with each frantic word slipping from Eloi’s mouth and he knew who it was coming from. He could see how Erin tried her best to focus, to think as she brushed her hair back from her face and examined a tourniquet secured to the girl’s leg. Her fingers turning bloody as she tightened it. But the boy wouldn’t stop as he hovered around her, getting in the way of both the man and Erin numerous times. She was going to snap, he could feel it. He wanted to help so badly, wanted her to stop and take a rest. Wanted to take care of that arm and help her get some sleep.   
The girl was protesting now too as Erin worked at her leg, feverish gibberish coming from her as she tried to push Erin back.   
“Pip, pip it’s gonna be okay.” Eloi.   
“Pippa, I need you to lay down.” Erin.   
“Pip, I’m here.”   
“Eloi, please.” Erin.   
“Lay down miss.” The other man.   
“Erin, let me help.”   
The three of them were fidgeting around the girl, two of them trying to take care of her while the other desperately tried to comfort her. The main hold was filled with so much noise Ben wondered how the pilot could even stay asleep at this point.   
He watched as Erin took her hands from the girl, rubbing her face, leaving blood smeared on her cheeks. Her hand were in her hair now, those beautiful dark waves that looked wild and greasy now, and groaned in frustration.   
“Get back.” Her voice was a little louder than necessary in such a small space as she pointed behind the boy who didn’t move. He just watched the girl named Pippa, who was still struggling the man.  
Erin in turn struggling to keep the tourniquet in place.   
“Get the hell back right now.” She yelled now, and the boy stumbled backward.   
Ben turned and headed for the bag of things he had taken from the Jedi temple before he left. Some of Erin’s belonging she had failed to take with her, some things he had found at the temple and rushed back, passing the boy awkwardly.   
Erin turned so quickly Ben was almost startled, but he stood tall and certain, holding out vials of bacta he had found back at the temple. She looked up at him, relief washing over her face as she took the vials from his hand. The swiftest touch of her skin on his send a shiver up his spine. He wanted to take her hand and pull her close to him, but he knew he couldn’t. Instead he turned to the boy.   
“Do you know the coordinates of the Resistance base?” Ben realized his voice sounded too stern, he knew it wasn’t his place to make commands anymore but the habit was hard to kick.  
The boy looked up at him, defiantly at first and he thought it was remarkable how much he could look like Erin without being family by blood.   
“She need help and she needs it soon.” Ben clarified, offering the boy some incentive for his help.  
Eloi looked back at the girl once more, before storming off toward the cockpit. Before Ben followed him he looked back at Erin still struggling with the girl, trying to give her the bacta without spilling it. It was the slightest of gestures, using the Force on the girl to take her consciousness, Ben hoped the man wouldn’t notice. Erin, however, did notice and she looked back at him in the purest of gratitude. He had helped her in his own way. This was enough for now.   
  
***  
  
Erin hoped that one of the vials of bacta was enough to stop Pippa’s internal bleeding. This way they could use what was left to help Poe through his struggle. Ocean seemed to think it was enough for now as he quickly moved to help Erin with the bandages, telling her to tend to Poe instead.   
Erin looked down at the vials in her hand, for a moment she was tempted to use them both on her best friend. Instead she put one of them aside, carefully sitting down next to Poe as she opened the other.   
Poe Dameron looked handsomely fierce even asleep. His strong brow covered in sweat. Erin put her hand to his skin and could feel him burning up.   
“What did they do to you, Dameron?” she whispered, moving the vial to his lips ever so slowly.   
She missed him now more than ever, even with him right there. Poe always knew what to do in situations like these. He also always seemed to be able to laugh. She missed his laugh most of all. They had been good at laughing once. A long time ago.   
When the vial was empty, she gently dabbed at the corner of his mouth with a clean cloth before clearing the sweat off his forehead. Her hand found his now, squeezing it gently as she took a deep breath and looked down at him. Erin closed her eyes for a moment, so very tired, and bit her lips as she tried to figure out her next move.   
She was startled when she felt a large and warm hand on her shoulder, her back suddenly tense as she opened her eyes to find Ben standing next to her. Tall and handsome and very much conscious.  
“Come on.” He murmured, averting his gaze from Poe and Erin holding his hand.   
Erin quickly let go of that hand and got up, looking around for Eloi, she had to hold on to the storage rack above the bunk to keep her balance, probably dizzy from exhaustion.    
“He’s fine.” Ben answered quietly.   
Erin followed him across the main hold, noticing Ocean’s dark glare at the both of them, and down to the cockpit. Eloi passed them, shooting her a quick glance, his nod encouraging as he returned to the main hold.   
Erin frowned and watched Ben’s back as they walked into the cockpit. Ben was quiet as he passed by her to close the door behind her.   
“Sit.” He said, gesturing to the co-pilot seat.   
Erin glanced back at the closed door, restlessly, as Ben rummaged around. She now saw he held a small container, wetting a cloth in his other hand. He sat down opposite her taking the other seat and reached out for her arm. Erin pulled back instinctively, causing Ben to look up at her impatiently before she allowed him to touch her wound. He was surprisingly gentle as he cleaned the graze in silence. Erin watched his hands as he did this, admiring how they could show such strength one moment while they were so tender the next. It calmed her down.   
“What happened?” Ben asked and Erin could hear he was being careful.   
“Poe crashed his fighter into the ground. Not much later the First Order showed up.”   
“They followed him.”   
Erin realized this wasn’t a question but a statement.  
“Yes.” She answered.   
“How?”   
Erin bit her lip and shrugged, which made Ben’s hand graze past her cut uncomfortably and she winced slightly.  
“Sorry.” Ben breathed, turning to put the container down, reaching into the pocket of a jacket Erin didn’t recognize.   
“We don’t know. He’s hasn’t woken up.”   
Ben opened a tiny jar filled with a gel-like substance, his fingers barely able to fit in there as he scooped up a small amount.   
“How long?” Ben asked as he put his fingers to her arm, the gel cool to her skin but stinging her wound.   
“48 hours, maybe more.”   
“When was the last time you slept?” Ben looked up at her as she massaged the gel into her arm. She had not seen him this stern since his time as Kylo Ren. It reminded her of him training her, a demanding teacher.   
“48 hours, maybe more.” Erin admitted.   
Ben was silent and Erin could feel the tension in him as palpable as his touch was. He turned to wipe his hand on the cloth he had used for her arm. His face was lit up by the light coming from screens and buttons on the control panel and she could see how his brow was furrowed and his eyes looked dark. He flipped two switches, checked the control yoke and turned back to her, bending forward to lean on his knees.   
“I’m sorry I wasn’t ready.”   
  
***  
  
“I’m sorry I wasn’t ready.”   
Ben saw how Erin’s lips parted to speak so he hurried to be first.   
“I’m still not sure if I am. But I’ve lost you once and I won’t let it happen again. No matter what.”  
“Ben…” Erin whispered and Ben closed his eyes for a moment, wishing it was just the two of them on this ship because her voice and the way she whispered his name would forever drive him crazy.   
He quickly shook his head, leaning in even closer to be able to take her small beautiful face in his hands.   
“I’ll follow you anywhere Erin Anine Kaleo.” He whispered and he meant it with his entire being, the good and the broken parts, the light and the dark. All of it belonged to her.   
She looked up and Ben could see the entire galaxy he thought he had lost along with the First Order right there in her eyes. He would give it all up for her again he realized, even if it meant following her back to the Resistance, back to his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O. My. God. Who else is super hyped over the Rise of Skywalker trailer?! I know I am. My goodness I cannot wait. Anyway, I am sorry for my absence. I've kind of been struggling with work which has been taking up a lot of my energy lately, especially creatively, but I'm hoping to have more of that now that things are hopefully calming down. So, more soon!


	30. Gratitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm sorry for being absent for so long. I've been dealing with a lot of stress at work and wasn't able to find time or energy to write. I'm hoping things will get better from now on and I'll be able to update more frequently again.

He had one day. Even less.

Less than 24 hours to prepare himself for what was to come. Ben had kept himself safe within the confines of the cockpit, hiding from the judging eyes beyond. He felt anxious, hunted even, and could only calm down when he glanced over at the seat next to him.  
Her dark hair was undone, traveling down in waves over his robe which was draped over her carefully. Her nose was buried in the fabric and her face looked relaxed, a rare sight. She looked so very different from when he had first met her but he could tell this was the way she had always looked. Wild and untamed, like her heart. The uniform the First Order had put her in had been a costume, Ben realized this was the real Erin, all the complicated layers of her seemed to fade when she was asleep like this. At peace. She was calm and warm and light.  
Ben looked up when he heard a knock on the metal door behind him, when he didn’t reply the door opened carefully to reveal the face of a boy that wasn’t quite a man yet. Golden eyes that looked almost liquid, like honey.  
“Kylo?”  
Ben’s eyes grabbed the yoke tighter, turning his knuckles white as he focused on the stars beyond. The door opened further with a soft squeak and he could hear footsteps as he slowly turned to look over his shoulder.  
Ben could tell Eloi was anxious and uncertain, and he admired how the boy stepped into the cockpit nonetheless, straightening his back and squaring his shoulders while his hands trembled.  
He stood in between the seats, looking down at Erin and Ben could see how his face changed into something certain and tender. She seemed to have that effect on the both of them.  
“How did you get her to sleep?” Eloi’s voice was still insecure, but there was a hint of humour in it. This made Ben feel strangely comfortable, even for a second.  
“I have no idea.” Ben replied, subconsciously mimicking Eloi’s tone.  
The boys looked at each other, their eyes met, and Ben felt something stir in the Force, like a ripple in water.  
“Thank you…” the boy said.  
They seemed to both sense the awkwardness in the room as Eloi’s nose wrinkled slightly in unease. It reminded Ben of Erin even though he knew they weren’t family by blood. He must’ve picked up on it while growing up with her.  
“For what?” Ben asked, his gaze on the stars again.  
“Taking care of her. It’s not an easy thing to do.”  
“It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”  
Ben looked up again at Eloi, who seemed to genuinely smile down at him now. The boy was tall, taller than Erin which wasn’t hard, almost as tall as himself he imagined. Eloi chuckled and shook his head.  
“You’re the first one to think that.”  
The grin that pulled at Ben’s lips seemed to come naturally as he gestured for the boy to sit down on a crate between them.  
“She’s a fighter.”  
“She’s crazy.” Eloi chuckled and when Ben did too the awkwardness suddenly returned.  
Ben was uncertain of what to say next, he wasn’t used to the company and had never been good at small talk. So instead he remained quiet. The silence filled the room with tension.  
“I don’t hate you, you know.” Eloi broke the silence, his voice shaky at first but stronger as he continued.  
“I know what you’ve done, and I don’t agree with it. But I don’t hate you.”  
Ben’s grip on the yoke tightened again as he pressed his lips together and stared at the lights on the dashboard in front of him.  
“You should.” He answered darkly.  
Hell, he even hated himself.  
The boy didn’t answer for a long time, he just sat there, a glowing ember in Ben’s darkness as nasty tendrils of the Force surrounded his consciousness. He wondered if the boy knew.  
“Why did you save my life?”    
Ben remained quiet as he pondered over the question. He remembered taking the hit for the boy. How Erin’s fear of losing the boy had filled him with a sense of protectiveness and panic that he simply had to do whatever he could to keep the boy alive. He also remembered another presence in the Force. The boy himself.  
“I did what anyone would do.” Ben answered, avoiding Eloi’s intense gaze.  
“You could have died.”  
“Maybe I should have.” Ben snapped.

Silence.

The discomfort Ben felt made him turn to the familiar hostility he knew from his past. As long as he could keep others out, he could keep himself safe and comfortable. When the boy did not return with clever comebacks Ben turned to find him looking down, his eyes shifting from his hands to Erin and back. Ben instantly felt bad. He knew Erin would be giving him hell if she was awake right now.  
“I felt everything she felt. I promised not to let anything hurt her like that again.”  
That answer seemed to satisfy Eloi and Ben was taken aback by the gentle smile on his face, his eyes radiating gratefulness and warmth and Ben couldn’t believe anything like that could be directed at him. Eloi got up and nodded slowly, moving back to the cockpit door.  
“I should go check on Pippa.”  
“Sure.” Ben replied awkwardly.  
Eloi lingered by the door but didn’t look back and Ben could sense the insecurity in his heart. A question too hard to ask, a question the boy wasn’t sure he wanted the answers to. Ben decided to grant him the peace of mind anyway, because he knew Erin needed them all to know even if she was too proud to admit it. She wasn’t the monster she was made out to be.  
“Eloi…”  
The boy froze but didn’t turn.  
“Don’t believe everything they say. She did what she had to do to survive.”  
Eloi turned to look at him and relief washed over his face making him look years younger. Ben could feel the light in him flare up, like a bright star, and suddenly felt like telling the entire world that the woman he loved was a hero instead of a war criminal, but he knew this was a battle for another day. Maybe these weren’t even really his emotions, or maybe the two men just shared them like they shared their love for her.  
“Thanks, Kylo.” Eloi said.  
“It’s Ben.” Ben corrected him. “Ben Solo.”  
  
***  
  
When Erin woke up just hours later her body was sore. She was unsure if she was even more tired now that she had slept, but she was too anxious to get back to sleep. The cockpit seats weren’t exactly comfortable either.  
She was pleasantly surprised to find Ben still there, a steady and strong pulse in the Force before she even saw him. He seemed different in a way, more comfortable. Erin rubbed her eyes and he seemed to notice her when she moved under the cloak that had been draped over her. Ben eyed her as if to make sure she wasn’t falling apart as Erin gathered the fabric of his cloak in a ball in her lap.  
“What did I miss?” Erin asked, smirking as Ben shook his head in slight amusement.  
“You only missed a couple hours in hyperspace. Quite uneventful.”  
“Uneventful is good.”  
“Yes, it is.”  
There was a warmth in his voice that had not been there very often before, Erin was growing to love it. She got up and stood beside him, wrapping her arms around his neck lovingly as she pulled his head into her chest in a loving hug. Erin pressed a kiss into his hair and lingered there, her eyes closed as she spoke.  
“I should contact the Resistance. Tell them we’re coming.”  
“You mean tell them _I’m_ coming.” Ben growled quietly.  
Erin didn’t pull back, instead she whispered into his dark locks as if the words could soothe his anxious mind if they were spoken close enough.  
“It’s always been my mission to bring you home. Not take you prisoner.”  
“They might’ve changed their minds.”  
“They might have, yes.” Erin admitted. “And I’ll change it again.”  
“They might have changed their minds about you too after the information Hux has spread about you.”  
Erin froze, dropping her arms from his neck and to her sides as she looked down at him coldly. When he looked up at her she could tell he had not meant her harm. He had simply been honest.  
“I’ll change that too.” Erin answered stubbornly.  
Ben reached out to take her hand, bringing it to his lips to plant a soft kiss to her skin.  
“I’m sure you will.” he answered and although Erin thought Ben might have been teasing her his voice was certain and solemn as if he truly believed her.


	31. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one has taken a while, I've been struggling at work which is better now but it took me a while to find the energy to write again. But I'm doing good now and I'm back! Hope you enjoy what's to come

“You understand what this means, Kaleo?” Leia’s voice sounded stern but Erin was sure she could detect a hint of sympathy in there.  
“I understand that my actions will have consequences. I understand that his will too.”  
“I don’t want to punish you after all that you’ve done but…”   
“I know you’ll do what’s right by the Resistance.” Erin answered quickly before Leia could finish her sentence. She was being honest. She did understand that killing possible allies of the Resistance had its consequences. She also couldn’t blame the Resistance for wanting justice from Ben after what he had done. She understood it and she didn’t fear it because she knew that this -bringing Ben home- was what was going to help them _win_.   
“Once you arrive, we will have to take him into custody. Do you understand that?”  
Leia’s voice was that of a leader, not one of a mother. She knew that even though there was so much she wanted to do and ask right now, she had to make sure her people were safe first. Erin admired that part of her that but she also felt sad for the woman. There was something bittersweet about having to choose a cause over your own blood.   
“I will prepare him for the situation.”   
It was silent for a little longer than comfortable.  
“Do you trust him?” Leia asked, much quieter now, careful even. Erin knew what answer Leia wanted to hear. And she could give it to her in all honesty.  
“With my life.”   
A sigh of relief from the other side of the galaxy.   
“I can assure you that I am not bringing Kylo Ren to the Resistance, ma’am. I’m bringing Ben home.”   
Leia was quiet for a long time again and Erin started to feel awkward, searching for the right words to say when Leia replied, clear and strong.   
“Thank you.”

  
***  
  
When Ben finally found the courage to leave the cockpit in search of Erin he found her changing the bandages of the girl whose name he remembered as Pippa. Eloi was helping her, cleaning the wounds with what looked like hot water. The girl was asleep, her face looked peaceful and Ben could sense she would be alright. He watched as Erin’s careful hands worked at the white cloth and wondered how those hands could have taken so many lives and have saved so many others. They looked much more gentle now that she wasn’t holding a weapon. He watched how Eloi looked up to her, both in a literal and figurative sense, his eyes still glowing with pride and Ben suddenly felt happy that the boy had come to see him earlier that day. He had done right by her, for the first time in a long time and without anyone’s help.  
The room was quiet except for Erin’s soft mumbling, telling Eloi that Pippa’s skin was looking good and how her cheeks had much more color now.  
The man named Ocean was asleep in the far corner of the main hold and across from it was the pilot, Poe Dameron, still not moving.  
“We will arrive before midnight.” Ben announced quietly, a tenderness in his voice he had not felt comfortable with before. The look on Erin’s face when she looked up was an immediate reward.  
“Alright.” She nodded, finishing up her work before standing, checking on Pippa once more by placing her hand on the girl’s forehead. When she seemed content with her temperature she smiled at Eloi, who nodded in return.  
She moved across the main hold to meet him and when she stopped before him, he looked down at her face and found concern there.  
“Can I speak with you?”   
“Always.”  
She turned and took something from her pocket, throwing it at Eloi who caught it without hesitation.   
“Last bacta vile. She seems fine so give it to Dameron, alright?”  
Ben envied the way she said his name, playful and with a grin she had not given him before, he could sense so much history there he wondered if he could ever catch up.   
“Will do, boss.” Eloi joked in return and Ben wondered what it felt like to act so casual.  
When Erin turned, she was serious again, taking his hand in hers and pulling him after her to a quieter part of the ship. She didn’t speak until they were out of sight and hearing distance, turning to him as he stood with his back to the wall.  
“What is it?”  
“When we arrive they will have to take you into custody.”  
The words did not surprise him as much as he knew she thought they would. He could see concern and anxiety in her eyes, but he was unsure why. Was she afraid he would lose his temper? Or was she concerned his mother’s actions would hurt his feelings? When he didn’t reply she continued.  
“I’ll talk to her. I’m not sure if I’m in any position to do so but I’ll try. I’ll try to..”  
“Erin.”  
“…tell them things are different now. I can tell them what you’ve done for me, or maybe just explain the situation..”  
“Erin.”   
“I’m sure it won’t be for long, I mean they can’t keep you in there forever since it’s war and..”  
“Erin.” Ben’s voice was stern now as he grabbed both of her shoulders to shake her gently.  
“I understand.”  
She looked up at him and blinked, Ben didn’t let go of her arms but loosened his grip, suddenly aware of the wound on her arm.  
“I understand. It’s okay.” Ben said solemnly, and he meant it, however much it hurt he knew he couldn’t expect a warm welcome, he never had but he finally understood it now. He understood how you could love and hate someone at the same time now.    
“I’m sorry.” He could hear her heart break like her voice.  
“Don’t be.”  
“You’re not alone in this.”  
Her eyes were so big and dark Ben raised his hands to cup her face to keep it from falling apart. Caressing the soft skin of her cheek repeatedly.  
“I know.”  
“You do?”  
“I do.” He answered and bent down to press his lips against her forehead.  
“I’ll be okay, E.” he knew he had stolen the nickname from her family but it had never felt more right to use it.  
“I love you.” She replied.  
“And that’s all I need.” He replied in return.

 

***  
  
Ben landed the ship smoothly, as if he wasn’t nervous at all, while Erin eyed him through the open door of the cockpit from where she was sitting on the floor next to Poe. How could one man be so good at so many things? She realized she had so much left to learn and wondered if she would have enough time to learn it. She squeezed her eyes shut when the ship came in contact with the ground, the sudden movement of it waking up both Ocean and Pippa.  
“What’s happening?” Ocean mumbled before he was fully awake.  
“We’re here.” Erin replied absentmindedly as she got up, anxious for Ben.  
She stared at his back, stiff and straight in the pilot’s seat. Through the window she could see Resistance members lined up to see them arrive. In front of them half of the High Command accompanied by Resistance fighters clearly supposed to be guards according to their rank badges and uniform. Erin got up and walked over to the man she tried so long to bring home and she could feel his anxiety grow stronger the closer she got to him. It felt like electricity or like trembling while in reality your body is frozen in place. Her hand moved to Ben’s shoulder and he turned quickly to look up at her, his eyes large and dark and she could tell he was scared.  
Erin looked up and behind her when she heard the hissing sound of the main hold’s entrance opening. She heard Eloi shuffle and mumble while lifting Pippa up in his arms and saw how Ocean struggled to figure out how to take Poe with him.  
Erin felt herself switch back into her usual role naturally but left her hand on Ben’s shoulder to let him know she wasn’t forgetting about him.  
“It’s okay, Ocean. I called for medical assistance, they should be outside.”  
Ocean nodded once, eyed Ben with suspicion and headed outside. Erin wondered if Ocean had figured out who Ben really was while they had made their trip down to the Resistance. She was sure that if he hadn’t, he would be certain now at the sight of their welcoming committee.  
The ship was silent for a moment, the only sound coming from the crowd outside.  
Ben was still holding onto the control yoke, his knuckles as white as his face, his lips pressed together firmly as he stared out at the crowd.  
“You ready?” Erin asked carefully.  
“No.” the familiar sound of his snarl was a relief. Ben got up in one swift move, leaving behind his dark cloak as he stepped out of the cockpit and into the main hold. Erin was quick to follow, moving to slip her hand in his just before they stepped out onto the long metal of the gangway that lead them into this new world. A world where Ben Solo was home. 

***  
  
He felt his hand in hers and he wanted to keep it there forever, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t have her people see her like that, not until he had proven himself worthy. Part of him never thought he would, part of him didn’t think he wanted to prove anything to these people. But he couldn’t bear the thought of bringing her down with him if this -coming back to the Resistance- would ever go wrong.  So, he let go.  
Erin didn’t flinch, at least not physically, but he could feel that his actions had hurt her feelings through the Force just as clearly as if she would have shown them in the flesh.  
Men hidden behind masks that he had not seen before were quick to approach him and although the gesture seemed hostile to him he was quick to raise both of his hands in front of him, offering his surrender. He heard Erin behind him, commanding them to calm down but they turned on her as well. Their hands were quickly bound by stun cuffs and they were pushed forward before they could make sure the others were alright.  
“Dameron’s still in there, damn it. He needs help.” Erin spat behind him and Ben almost smiled at her fiery spirit. The woman was never afraid it seemed as long as she had her loved ones to defend.  
Ben was quiet as he took in his surroundings. Dozens of faces staring back at him with mixed emotions. Curiosity, fear, anger, suspicion. None of the faces belonged to his mother. He could tell most of the High Command was there, he even recognized those of them old enough to remember the last time Ben Solo was seen with the Resistance. The ones he didn’t kill, that was.  
He turned his gaze down, studying his feet on the earth, anything to escape from what he was feeling. Ben knew that if he tried hard enough, that if he gave in to the boiling power inside of him he could remove the restraints from his wrists. He also knew that would be a mistake. So he tried to focus on anything else to ignore his intuition. He focused on _her.  
_ Her energy felt like a ball of fire surrounded by rain, bouncing and burning and fighting to stay lit. He turned to look at her over his shoulder and what he saw filled him with a strange sense of pride. She wouldn’t be put down by anyone. Her chin was raised up high, her back straight and her gaze strong as she took big and certain steps while following the guards that led them to a structure resembling a building. Ben knew he’d follow her anywhere. That as long as she was there, they’d be a team. They would figure it out _together_. 

This feeling didn’t take long.

“What are you doing?” Erin asked as they entered the building and grabbed her arms to pull her in the opposite direction of where Ben was led.  
Ben stopped in his tracks as soon as he sensed her discomfort, ready to take down anyone who was causing it. He turned to look at her and the guards surrounding him probed him with sticks, sending electrical waves through his body to keep him in place. Ben growled and protested, like a caged animal.  
“Stop it, no. Stop.”  
The hallway they were in was dark and empty and Ben couldn’t tell which way the exit was even if he tried. His vision clouded by tiny sparks and dark spots.  
“Stop, I need to stay with him.”  
When Ben’s vision cleared, he could see Erin protest against the guards surrounding her, who in turn tried to lead her down a different hall and away from him.  
“Let me stay with him.” She hissed, partly angry but mostly anxious.  
Ben felt desperate as his anchor was being ripped away from him. He couldn’t do this alone. He wouldn’t do this alone. But at his slightest protest he was stunned by men even more fearful than he was at this point.  
“I’ll come back.” Erin’s voice echoed from down the hallway. “Just trust me.”  
And just like that, Ben was all alone.

 ***  
  
The shackled around her wrists weren’t what bothered her. The way they had treated her in front of all of her friends, her family, wasn’t what bothered her. It was not knowing. Not knowing what they would do to Ben, keeping them apart, keeping her waiting.  
She was in a room that was surely meant to be a holding cell but wasn’t as uncomfortable as it should be. In fact the building seemed quite luxurious, more luxurious than anything the Resistance had been based at before. Marble floors and copper door handles. Windows decorated with cut glass. Erin got up from the bench that was cut from the high quality stone of the wall and walked over to the window, hoping she’d see anything that would give her a clue as to how Ben was doing but there was nothing. She looked out at a courtyard with tall trees, branches that played in the wind and made the light play around the walls and the ground beneath them. There were people there but no familiar faces. This planet had only one sun as far as she could tell and it was burning bright and warm. The courtyard was surrounded by marble hallways, decorated with tall glass doors that were all open and white sheer curtains that were blowing in the wind. The place looked like a palace from times long gone.   
Erin turned when the door behind her opened, her heart skipping a beat and only slowing down when Kaydel Connix stepped in, a careful smile playing around her lips.  
“I’m sorry for the long wait. I went to check on commander Dameron before I came to see you.”  
Erin eyed her suspiciously.  
“And?”  
“And he seems stable.”   
“Well he seemed to be on the ship so…” Erin bit her tongue before she could offend the woman in front of her.  
“Yes, you have taken great care of him I heard.”  
Connix stepped forward and when Erin stepped back she smiled warningly and reached out to undo the cuffs, dropping them to the floor in front of Erin’s feet.  
“I’m sure we won’t be needing these, now will we?” she asked.   
“You never did.” Erin answered while rubbing at her wrists.  
“I’m sure you understand we had to make our people feel safe upon your arrival.”  
“You mean Kylo Ren’s arrival.”  
“Yes.” Connix replied, her lips pressed together.  
“Yes.” Erin said in return.   
“He saved us back there when all of you left us for dead.”  
“So, I’ve heard.”  
“He got us out of there before anyone else could get hurt.”  
“Ocean told me that as well.”  
Erin was quiet now and suddenly felt stupid for defending Ben with such ferocity, giving away all her intentions.  
“What will you do with him?”  
“Aren’t you more curious what we’ll do with you?” Connix asked.  
Erin shook her head and she meant it. There were three people in this world she wanted safe now, and she wasn’t one of them.  
“We’re keeping him in a safe place. A special team has been assigned to take care of him before the General sees him. I can’t go into detail yet.”  
“Please, don’t hurt him.” Erin pleaded, letting her guard down just slightly.   
Connix smiled, the kind of smile you only see at the Resistance, genuine and warm.  
“You know that’s not our way.”  
“It’s easy to forget after what I’ve seen.”  
“I know.”  
Erin sat down again, suddenly tired. Her muscles aching and the scrape at her arm throbbing painfully.  
“You should get that taken care of.” Connix said, gesturing to her arm.  
“You’re free to go to the medical wing. Your friends are there too.”  
Erin shot up quickly, the thought of being free to go filled her with hope, hope of finding Ben as she rushed to the door.  
“Don’t try to find him, Kaleo.”  
Erin turned while her hand rested on the doorknob, one brow lifted as she looked back at Connix who regarded her earnestly.  
“Please be patient with us. We haven’t seen what you’ve seen yet and we need to protect our people.”  
“I would never endanger the Resistance.”  
“You would, and you have.”  
Erin frowned, anger building up inside of her as she dropped her hand from the doorknob ready to snarl but the other woman was first. Her words eerie but her intentions true as far as Erin could tell by the sound of her voice and the look in her eyes.  
“Give us some time to see if it’s been worth it.”


	32. Reunion

Ben was unsure what he had expected. He was unsure of almost everything in his life and although it scared him it also felt like a strange kind of freedom. Here in the middle of what used to be enemy territory, imprisoned and shackled, he felt more free than he ever had in his life. Because this had been _his choice_. No one had sent him away, no one had forced him to come and no one had told him what to think or say or do. So, this was what free will felt like. It was _terrifying_.

Ben noticed how his jaws were constantly clenched together. How he would grind his teeth whenever his thoughts would drift off. His breathing was shallow and unstable, and his heart was beating painfully fast in his chest until he felt her.  
The last time he had felt her this close he thought he had been ready to kill her, but he would never be. All he sensed then was forgiveness and concern. The same things he had felt throughout his early childhood, whenever the dark side had gotten the best of him his mother would always be there. Until she wasn’t.   
Anxiety mixed with emotions he had long ago supressed. Loneliness, a sense of betrayal and the intense sadness that came with being abandoned. Everything he had felt as a teenager when his parents had made him join his uncle against his pleas. Leia Organa had long been the only one to protect him, the only one to understand him, until she turned her back on him.

In retrospect Ben now knew that the shadows that haunted his mind had been put there by Snoke. The doubt, the horrible thoughts that eventually didn’t only come at night but all the time. But that didn’t take away that they did was real. They gave up on him. Would she give up on him now? Had they known all along what Luke had tried to do to him? It was the only question he regretted not asking his father. Maybe now he could ask his mother instead.

 

***  
  
When Erin arrived at the medical wing, she was surprised to find it just as beautiful as the rest of the building. Elegant and bright, with tall windows and high ceilings, the sun drowning the large room in light. Eloi got up at the end of the row of beds and Erin managed to smile.  
Pippa was awake, and he held on to her hand like he used to hold onto hers.  
“Are you okay?” Eloi asked, his voice so earnest it seemed centuries old.  
“I’m okay.”  
“Thank you for saving me.” Pippa’s voice sounded stronger than Erin would have expected when she arrived by her bedside. She smiled carefully and shook her head.  
“I didn’t, but I’m glad you’re okay.” Erin glanced over at the bed next to Pippa’s.  
“Has he woken up yet?” she asked while nodding her head in Poe’s direction.  
“Nope,” Eloi shook his head, “they say it’s probably better he’s been out for so long, more likely to recover from his head trauma.”  
Erin raised a brow cynically and walked over to sit on the edge of Poe’s bed.    
“Have you even taken time to freshen up?” Eloi asked, sitting down again while playing with Pippa’s fingers. Outside birds were chirping and Erin found comfort in the sound as she shook her head.  
“You look horrible.” Eloi snorted and Erin rolled her eyes at him.  
“Well then I look better than I feel.” She joked back half-heartedly.  
“This place is pretty nice.” Erin said, looking around the room.  
“Yeah, it is.” Eloi replied. “Apparently it used to be one Tendrando Arms headquarters or something.”  
“Mhm.” Erin raised a brow and looked around the room again with new appreciation.   
“And they’re sure we’re safe here?”  
“Apparently he was able to build some type of cloaking fence. Like a magnetic field or something. I’m not sure, the lady who explained it was kind of vague about it.”  
Erin laughed quietly but stopped in shock when she felt something brush against the side of her hand. When she looked down she could see Poe’s fingers were moving. Her heart stopped as she turned quickly to face him, taking his hand in both of hers as she leaned over him, watching him like a hawk.  
“Is he waking up?” Eloi asked behind her, his voice in shock.  
“I think so.”  
She heard how Eloi helped Pippa sit up behind her but couldn’t take her eyes off of Poe’s face as his eyelashes began to flutter. His skin looked alive and warm, his cheeks rosy in the sunlight and when his eyes opened Erin felt tears well up in hers as she laughed quietly in pure joy. Something she had not felt in so long.  
“What…happened..?” Poe’s voice was croaky at best, but Erin couldn’t be more relieved to hear it.   
“Hey you.”  
The last time they had spoken they had been in a fight she wasn’t sure they would ever recover from. The way he had looked at her then was in stark contrast with the way he looked at her now.  
“Are you okay?” his hand moved from hers to her cheek, thumb running along the bruise that was left there from battle while his eyes moved to the dirty bandage around her arm.  
“I’m fine.” She said, leaning in to hug him, burying her face against his shoulder as she whispered over and over that she was sorry.  
Poe’s hand rested on her back, moving slowly up and down in an awkward attempt to soothe her and Erin knew things weren’t okay yet.  
She pulled back reluctantly, quickly wiping off the tears on her cheeks as she met his gaze.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“I know.”  
No forgiveness yet. She was willing to wait for it.  
“You crashed your ship. What happened?” Eloi stood behind Erin, his hand firm on her shoulder.  
Poe frowned, his dark brows furrowing together as he seemed to search his memory. He tried to sit up but seemed to regret it immediately as his face distorted in pain.  
“Don’t. Stay down.” Erin said, carefully pushing him back, moving to adjust his pillows.  
“I did what?” the man shook his head, his voice angry.  
“You were gone for days. Some of you didn’t return and the others…the others said you were in trouble.”  
“I don’t..”  
“You don’t remember.” Erin nodded slowly. “That’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”  
“Don’t worry about it? He was followed by the First Order..”  
“What?” Poe.   
“Eloi.” Erin hissed.  
“We need to know what happened!” Eloi said again and Erin turned to shoot a warning look at him.  
“Not now.”  
“Fine.”  
“Where are we?” Poe asked, looking around. “This isn’t our base.”  
Erin turned back to face him.  
“It’s the new place Leia’s been working on. Almost all of us are here now.”  
Erin fell silent as Eloi explained how Lando Calrissian had managed to protect this place from the First Order and how they had apparently been working hard here to rebuild the Resistance to its former glory with teams recruiting members across the galaxy and bringing them here.  
Poe didn’t ask questions, instead he listened. Eloi didn’t seem to notice how his eyes were mostly fixed upon Erin, and how his replies were short and distracted. Erin however, was painfully aware of it.   
“Hey Eloi, could you go get someone to check on E’s arm? That bandage looks like it could use some taking care of.”  
Eloi was slightly surprised to be asked such a question in the middle of his story, his brows raised slightly, but the boy wouldn’t dare question his role model.   
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah, of course. Do you need anything?”  
“I’m alright, kid.” Poe smiled at the boy but when he turned to face Erin his face was serious.  
“I’ll come with you.” Pippa said quickly, obviously reading the room as she pushed the sheets from her legs and carefully got up.  
“You don’t have to if you can’t..” Erin said hopefully, not ready for Poe’s scorn just yet.  
“I’m okay.” Pippa’s smile was wonderful, and Erin couldn’t deny returning her the favour.  
Erin looked down at her hands in her lap as the both of them waited for Eloi and Pippa to leave the room, which took a while because Pippa’s was still slow and careful. Erin swallowed as she heard the door fall shut and she couldn’t make herself look at her best friend.  
“What is it?” Poe asked, his voice half concerned half annoyed and Erin shook her head.  
“I know you, Erin. And I know that look. What did you do?”  
“What did _I_ do?” Erin exclaimed in disbelief.  
“You can’t exactly blame me for what happened.”  
“We don’t know that.”  
“That’s low.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You say that a lot.”  
“Well I am.”  
“Yeah.”  
Silence. Long and painful and so very uncomfortable.  
Poe sighed and shifted, shaking his head as his brow seemed to furrow even more.   
“I’m sorry for what I’ve done. But it was me or them.” Erin finally said.  
“You mean him or them.”  
“I mean us or them.” Erin met is gaze now, his eyes burning just a ferociously as hers. So very intense, so very alike.   
“You have no idea what it’s been like for me and I don’t expect you to understand it, but I hope you trust that I would never do anything to harm the Resistance or Eloi and you.”  
“But you did, Erin.”  
Poe’s eyes were sad now and he was quick to close them, leaning back into the pillows to catch his breath. His words broke her heart and Erin had not felt so alone in a long time. If even her best friend thought of her this way, she was sure the rest of the Resistance would hate her for what she had done. Nobody knew what she had really done to keep them safe, they didn’t know what she had endured.  
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Erin got up, standing by the edge of the bed as Poe opened his eyes again.  
“I’m glad you’re doing better.” Her voice was flat, as if it wasn’t hers anymore and she could feel herself close off from the pain as she turned around.  
“He’s here isn’t he?”  
She stopped, her shoulders tense at the tone of Poe’s voice.  
“Yeah.” She answered quietly.  
“Congratulations on completing your mission, Kaleo.” Poe’s words may have seemed harmless to anyone else, but his voice like ice. Sharp and cold and piercing right through her heart.

 

***  
  
Ben was on a chair that felt more and more uncomfortable the closer she came to his cell. He could hear her footsteps now and feel her through the Force as strongly as his own emotions, which were raging like a storm within him now. The heavy door opened, and Ben was surprised his mother wasn’t storming in with her entire army. Instead it was just her. He knew there were others on the other side of the door, but in front of him was the one person he dreaded seeing most in the universe.

Leia Organa had gotten old.

Her hair, which he remembered almost as dark as his own, had grey strands in it, and her eyes which had once been fierce, and intimidating had lost their spark. She seemed but a ghost of the woman he once knew, but even her ghost could scare the life out of him.  
Her eyes softened at the sight of him and Ben almost felt like throwing up at the sight of her compassion. He was trembling, cold sweat dripping down his back and he wanted so badly to get out of there but he couldn’t move a thing.  
“Ben…” her voice was the same although the years had made it sound sadder.  
He wasn’t sure how to reply, or if he should reply at all. He felt so little, so insecure and so exposed.  
He felt his lower lip tremble and his emotions and the Force bubble up inside of him like he was a volcano about to erupt. Ben wanted to scream, he wanted to break the chair he was sitting on and the walls that surrounded him, he wanted to tear out his hair and rip at his clothes but he did nothing. Instead he stared up at her with sad eyes, afraid of her rejection once more. They were right back where they had started, only this time with the guilt of what he had done pressing on his shoulders like a weight about to crush him. The woman moved up to him, her arms as open as her heart through the Force. She rushed toward him and Ben let himself fall off the chair and into those open arms, crashing into her body and her consciousness through the Force and he cried.   
  
He cried for what he had done, for what he had become and all that he had lost and Leia held him without saying a word.


End file.
